For nearly 15 years I have been haunted by a quote from the book and movie, “A River Runs Through It”. Every time I consider the difficult path I am on in forging a new understanding with my partner I think of these words:
“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them – we can love completely without complete understanding.”-From A River Runs Through It.
As a crossdresser, I believe these words have significant importance, not only to the crossdressers but equally so to our significant others, be it wives or girlfriends. In trying to fathom just what my partner must be feeling, I try to present my thoughts to her in a way she may more fully understand just who I am and to assuage her fears as well. Yet how can I truly understand what she needs from me. As dearly as I want her to understand what is happening to me I may be saying and doing the things she needs least from me. Where there should be better understanding oftentimes there is less. But our love seems patient and I believe strongly in our future as we approach retirement.
And for her, well, I know what I need from her. I need her acceptance, support, and love. But above all, I need her to love me completely, even if she does not or may never understand this part of me. I know this is the hope for a high percentage of crossdressers and it is certainly one key to my living a fulfilling life.
But if a crossdresser and his partner cannot understand each other then how can there be love? I believe by accepting that each of us is a spirit unto ourselves, separate and alone and that we will never understand or even be aware of another person’s heart fully. Complete understanding of another is not a prerequisite for a loving relationship. Love is truly blind.
Admittedly, the process of integrating what is essentially a new person into a long-term loving relationship is challenging at best. Coming out to your partner will end some relationships while others will reach an understanding and a fortunate few will have their relationships grow and prosper. Is it possible that those that succeed have found continued happiness for the very reason that both of them were simply devoted to the other and loved without complete understanding? It’s also possible that relationships that fail supposedly because of crossdressing had many more issues that tore them apart that were not even related to crossdressing. We all have divorced friends and have heard both sides, truly the reasons couples part are many.
There are many people in our lives who we love; parents, children, lovers, wives, and partners. Do we completely understand them? Probably not. But we love them anyway. They each have traits that encourage love while at the same time there’s a part of them that we just don’t understand. If they are good, kind, and loving people we love them. Our lives are made richer in this way.
Crossdressing is an undeniable part of mankind taking its place somewhere along the transgender spectrum. We are real and for the most part, loving and caring men who seek nothing more than love and acceptance if not complete understanding.
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