We Can Love Completely, Without Complete Understanding

For nearly 15 years I have been haunted by a quote from the book and movie, “A River Runs Through It”. Every time I consider the difficult path I am on in forging a new understanding with my partner I think of these words:

“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them – we can love completely without complete understanding.”-From A River Runs Through It.

As a crossdresser, I believe these words have significant importance, not only to the crossdressers but equally so to our significant others, be it wives or girlfriends. In trying to fathom just what my partner must be feeling, I try to present my thoughts to her in a way she may more fully understand just who I am and to assuage her fears as well. Yet how can I truly understand what she needs from me. As dearly as I want her to understand what is happening to me I may be saying and doing the things she needs least from me. Where there should be better understanding oftentimes there is less. But our love seems patient and I believe strongly in our future as we approach retirement.

And for her, well, I know what I need from her. I need her acceptance, support, and love. But above all, I need her to love me completely, even if she does not or may never understand this part of me. I know this is the hope for a high percentage of crossdressers and it is certainly one key to my living a fulfilling life.

But if a crossdresser and his partner cannot understand each other then how can there be love? I believe by accepting that each of us is a spirit unto ourselves, separate and alone and that we will never understand or even be aware of another person’s heart fully. Complete understanding of another is not a prerequisite for a loving relationship. Love is truly blind.

Admittedly, the process of integrating what is essentially a new person into a long-term loving relationship is challenging at best. Coming out to your partner will end some relationships while others will reach an understanding and a fortunate few will have their relationships grow and prosper. Is it possible that those that succeed have found continued happiness for the very reason that both of them were simply devoted to the other and loved without complete understanding? It’s also possible that relationships that fail supposedly because of crossdressing had many more issues that tore them apart that were not even related to crossdressing. We all have divorced friends and have heard both sides, truly the reasons couples part are many.

There are many people in our lives who we love; parents, children, lovers, wives, and partners. Do we completely understand them? Probably not. But we love them anyway. They each have traits that encourage love while at the same time there’s a part of them that we just don’t understand. If they are good, kind, and loving people we love them. Our lives are made richer in this way.

Crossdressing is an undeniable part of mankind taking its place somewhere along the transgender spectrum. We are real and for the most part, loving and caring men who seek nothing more than love and acceptance if not complete understanding.

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Bobbi Scott

Hi, I'm a lifelong cross dresser who after all these years has fully come to acceptance of Bobbi in my life. And the changes this has brought about are beautiful and amazing. My girlfriend/life partner has been so supportive. I feel truly blessed that the women in me has a voice now.

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  1. Miss P 3 months ago

    Bobbi,
    I am glad to add my thanks. I appreciate your clarity, honesty, and style in the writing. For years, as with many, many others felt that I would be rejected because of my desire to cross dress. When I finally spoke to my wife, I realized that she was more able to cope with this than I feared. It is still a journey of conversation and exploration but I am glad to have a partner who continues to love me even as she does not understand all of this just as I do not fully understand it all myself.
    Again, thank you.
    Miss P

  2. Hi Bobbi……..thank you for your thoughts and story. Yes, as we head down the road of life, we learn what is truly important in life. Not all the fancy stuff the media tell us that we need. What is the most important thing in life is the love of a significant other and a true friend, who is their thru thick and thin and asks nothing in return accept friendship and love.

    Hugs……

    Lady Veronica

  3. Khloe West 3 months ago

    Lovely read and spot on in many arenas.

    Understanding can be as relative an arena as any or many. 3+ decades of in law relation with those I thought would “get it” ended with not a single word or question and that side rather treats me as if I had never existed,

    The other side of in-law/s? that I thought would be less likely to “get it”? Utterly accepting and “get it” at a far deeper level than I might have ever anticipated.

    Go figure!

  4. Carly Bell 3 months ago

    Hi girls new here c/dressing in private still .wife will not expect. Reading article like these one helps thanks

  5. Lovely story Bobbi. And I think you have nailed it. We can’t know exactly what our partner is thinking or what she needs, but we can offer patience, love, and acceptance.

    Hugs,
    April

  6. Danielle Wayne 4 months ago

    This is an awesome story. I am a life long crossdresser, but have very recently come out to my wife within the last two months. We have been married almost 4 years now. We have had some good talks and as of right now, is supportive.

    She is not quite ready though to see my femme side. Through the support of this site and articles like yours, I am taking it very slow and listening to her and trying to put her feelings above mine.

    Hopefully someday she will see my dressing is not a threat and I will be able to come out a little more to her. I believe it will make our relationship even stronger.

    Thank you for sharing
    Hugs
    Danielle

    • Author
      Bobbi Scott 4 months ago

      Thanks Danielle! I am in almost the exact same boat as yourself. I know that my SO is struggling with this. On the one hand she loves me dearly and wants nothing more than for me to be happy and on the other the cross dressing and crossing gender boundaries is an awful lot for her to understand and she undoubtedly has worries about this effecting “us” in a negative way. I get it, completely.
      There is no question that at times I wish this “divide” in my life never existed. But……..it does. That much I’ve accepted.
      You’re smart to take it slow. Keep talking, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. In talking with her you may come to greater understanding.

      xo
      Bobbi

  7. Kayla C 4 months ago

    Bobbi
    This is an awesome article! I believe we can love and accept someone completely even if we don’t understand everything about them.

    I find myself wanting to know and understand everything about the CD close to my heart.
    That might not ever happen but I still love, respect and accept them completely.

    Thanks for sharing.
    Kayla

  8. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 4 months ago

    Lovely article Bobbi! My own marriage was ended as you said by a number of issues though my dressing was certainly one of the larger ones, i think perhaps she suspected (and perhaps knew more than I) that there was “something” more than just the clothes-though I am still figuring out what that is! Your advice is excellent-I tried to do that but was ultimately unsuccessful. Still I hope that maybe-just maybe- ONE day I will find someone who can see past the outer trappings to the person I am inside. Until that day, I’ll continue to explore who I am and let that which I have kept inside the opportunity to shine through. Thanks for sharing your story!
    Cyn

  9. Author
    Bobbi Scott 4 months ago

    Hi Katie,
    You make a wonderful observation, thank you. I think that sometimes we don’t always recognize what our partners are giving to us. I think you make a great point of perhaps trying harder to truly assess all the things, often unspoken, that our partners do for us. I will make a point of spending more time being cognizant of her efforts and return in kind.

    Bobbi

  10. Katie Kat 4 months ago

    Hello Bobbi. Thank you for sharing.

    When reading the quote that haunts you, I recalled what my wife ( she is a counselor ) often says, “We give to our partner what we want.” In other words, if we want our partner to tell us they love us, we will often say it to them. If we want flowers, we will buy some for them, etc. So look closely at what she “gives” you, and you may have the answers for what she “needs.” This may not be true 100% of the time, but by paying closer attention we may see some patterns develop.

    At one point I was feeling some insecurities in our relationship, and found myself saying “I Love You” a lot to her. She brought it to my attention, and then said a whole bunch of “I love you’s” to me. That was the day I started looking for what she was doing for me and giving to me to find clues for what she needed and wanted.

    I hope I understood you correctly and this helps.

    Hugs.
    Katie

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