What am I becoming? What am I Now?
I’ve struggled with this question in the past, and still do. It stemmed in part from a common expression put to me by a couple of my long time male friends, who know nothing about the existence of Amy, and a shared concern of all as to where we are going. I like the analogy that this life is like a transit bus that we are all on right now, and though we may have gotten on at different stations and then off at different places along the way, we are all here right now.
I cant say that I’d ever been a macho kind of guy. I do have a few male friends that I really don’t want to open up to about my femme side. I’m sure it would be the gamut of reactions, some I would lose, some might not care, others would find their interaction with me forever coloured by their knowledge of Amy.
So, getting back to this, one gent referred to me as an “Honest man,” and then a few days later another used the phrase, “You’re an easy man to get along with.” Well, I sincerely hope both are true, but it got me wanting to say something like, what if I don’t look like a man? What am I then?
Around the same time, I went to a cross gender boutique for some clothes plus a few other items in drab and a similar conversation ensued. After a bit of discussion, I was told, well, “Here you’re a girl”! That might certainly be true, too! That’s when it started to hit home to me, I’m really not what I used to be, and it was a very scary thought.
It was then that another friend of mine used this old expression to again describe me, “You’re an easy man to get along with.” Wow, I thought, if only you could see me when I’m dolled up ready to go out with the other “girls.” What would you say or think? I’m not sure how understanding he would be if he knew of my femme side. Though, isn’t that always the conundrum; who is going to be understanding and who isn’t? One never really knows until you open up. For now, I’m definitely not opening up to that side of my life.
In the past, when I simply dressed the odd time it was for fun and relaxation, it didn’t seem to intrude on my male person. Since late 2018, my Amy side has grown exponentially, and I wonder about some of those old clichés that were used to describe me. Are they still true? I used to describe myself as a “Regular Guy.” Though, I suppose it depends on what regular is… If it means a hetero guy who likes women and tries to be very good to them, who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink much beer, doesn’t gamble, etc. etc., then that would have been me. Maybe you’d think that would be a boring guy!
As Amy started to grow her wings, the phrase “regular guy” doesn’t seem to really fit anymore. Now if by a regular guy you mean someone who owns more women’s clothes than his wife (shoes too!), gets dolled up in them a few times a month and even goes out. That would be me. However, I rather think my male friends wouldn’t agree and describe that as a regular guy!
You can say the use of labels gets in the way of the truth about what we really are, which can be true, but often times one needs the label to be able to feel you belong somewhere, anywhere. I know that I do, if you, dear reader feel different, that’s a good thing and this dilemma isn’t one we share.
So whatever the truth seems to be, it really comes down to this. We are what we are, very complex beings with many different facets to our personalities and lives. For many of us, there are defiantly demons we have to tame or at least come to some kind of peace with. For me, I am more at peace with myself of late, as I’ve come to realize and fully accept that I need to check the box at the bottom of the column, beside “All of the Above”
For those who know the old me, I am still that regular guy. To my newer friends, here and elsewhere that know of Amy, I’m that crossdresser girl with nice legs.
For myself, I’m simply me, regardless of how I look or feel at the time.