When I was growing up, there were six of us. Two sets of three, two boys, a girl, and another 2 boys and a girl. I was the second born and very different from the other five. I was the sensitive one. I could cry at the drop of a hat. My brother was being groomed to be the “man of the house”. The first born son as was given his birth right. My sister, being the girl was the princess. Me I was in the middle. Because I was different, I think it was kind of a comfort and maybe an oddity to my parents that I played with my sister. She had a huge doll collection. I would love to just sit and play dolls with her. When Barbie came into the house I was excited. She was the coolest woman. Cool clothes, cool house, cool cars, everything. Of course when my sister’s friends came to play I always had to be Ken.
All things in childhood come to an end as you grow and have to live within the boundaries of society. I grew up in an area and time of intolerance; racial, religious, and of course anything outside the norm. Boys were boys and girls were girls. Any variations from the norm, were considered “freaks”. As a young boy I witnessed the way “freaks” were treated, what was done to them wasn’t pretty. Over the years I was ousted from my sister’s girl club and started my journey of survival. I had to become strong. I used my understanding of my father, of what a man should be and started competing with my brother for his birth right. I suppressed those memories and became the man that I thought my father wanted me to be.
When I turned 15 we moved to an area that I swear could have given Mayberry RFD a run for its money, but the larger cites were a lot more liberal so that helped. My junior year in high school was the turning point. Everything that had been going on in the country had caught up and the town was now more progressive. By then the Summer of Love had passed, Viet Nam was in full swing and the world had changed. The last of the hippies were looking for that last piece of America to lay claim to and I finally started coming out of my survival bunker. I grew out my hair, and most of my friends were girls. In fact I hung around girls more than the guys. I only had 2 male friends the rest were girls. I’d listen to their gossip, give them advice on their friends, boy friends, parents, etc. and would just hang out with them. Yes I had girl friends, the relationships were always monogamous, but there was that special connection I had with the girls. It was like playing dolls with my sister again.
Of course my time had passed when I joined the military and quickly had to revert back into survival mode. It wasn’t until my 20s that I tried on my first wife’s clothes, (ok yeah, when I was 6 or 8 I tried my mom’s but everyone does that). We had a brutal marriage that only lasted five years. Five years after that I remarried, and of course started trying on her clothes. But raising a family took priority and I stayed in survival mode. The urge only came out when I was having heavy bouts of depression and would quickly push them aside so I could take care of my family.
After 10 years of therapy, I came to realize that my depression was the result of my years of survival mode, hiding who I am. Now that my kids are grown and living on their own it was my time to say “This is my time to discover who I am.”
So here I am, battle scars as an example of how to survive in an intolerant world, preconceived notions, and now moving forward to a new life free of the fog of depression.
Oh dear, Darcy, it seems as though you suffered from middle child syndrome. I was the third boy and was followed by two sisters, were my parents hoping for a girl when I arrived? Probably. My brothers were separated by a year, as were my sisters but I was two years apart both ways, definitely the odd one out. I tried to play with my brothers but I was always too young for them. I was too old for my sisters although I do remember playing with their dolls and at 7 or 8 years old playing dress-up in an… Read more »
there is not a story out there that in some way touch on an identification in my life. that is the whole beauty of this site.it gives hope and a place of relief.that i am not alone.so thank you all for sharing one way or another.it keeps my flame alive and bright.just maybe one day that flame wont be surrounded by such loneliness and darkness.so one day at a time i move forward… thank you crossdresser heaven.
Darcy it doesn’t matter where you are going. You now know that you are not making the trip on your own. We’re glad to go along with you and just see where you end up.
Darcy – the more I read accounts such as yours the more I see myself in them. Pushing who I am into the background to raise a family and to be the “man" I was supposed to be. My kids are grown too and have been out of the house for awhile (all except my youngest daughter who just left – long story), so I have also begun to rediscover myself. I wish you nothing but joy in your discovery – It took me awhile, but I found out that the the journey is actually more fun than the destination!… Read more »
Darcy,
Thanks for sharing your story! I too sacrificed much of who i am inside for may years in order to raise my family. Being who I am cost me my marriage but ultimately that turned out to be a blessing in disguise, I am still exploring my options but enjoying the journey on the way to wherever I end up and meeting wonderful folks along the way like you!
Cyn
Darcy, you have summed up your past so well….. that you are able to sketch it out so neatly shows how well you have matured into a good human being…. God bless,
Vera Jane
Ladies, Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. They mean so much to me.
I am more comfortable being dressed up as a woman .there day that I can’t wait to come home and dress up I feel more relaxed and less stressed
I know what you went through as a married person. I also quit dressing as a married man until recently when I knew what I needed to make me happy. I am now starting dress and be happy. I hope you are happier now
Hi hun I’m so happy for you I like to be Y9ur special friend my e mail is kbesyk@gmail.com we can send pictures and get more personal if you like I’m from in winnipeg