At age 11, I discovered there was a girl inside me! She’s not bursting to get out, she’s just there – part of me, an alter ego. Morgana doesn’t really exist yet, I’m just a boy who likes dressing as a girl. My cousin discovered my secret and helped me find a way to express myself.
By age 13 my sister knew about my desire to cross dress. I had to tell her as she had a dress I really wanted to wear, and she caught me trying it on. My sis was kind of cool with it, shrugged her shoulders and just said, “Don’t stretch anything”. So, my dressing continued in secret for a couple of years, my cousin knew, my sister knew, but they didn’t know about each other’s awareness of my passion. I kept my dressing secret, except in front of my cousin (or occasionally my sister), who loved being with the female me, she enjoyed dressing me and helping with makeup, she was even happy sitting, chilling with me in panties and bra. As I got a little older, I was becoming more aware of my sexual desires, and it was obvious to my cousin and sister that my crossdressing had a sexual element to it. I did my best to conceal it and they did their best to ignore it.
I was only interested in girls, 100% heterosexual, or that’s what I thought, the idea of being attracted to a boy had never entered my mind. My understanding of myself was about to change.
I was visiting my cousin, just before she left for college. Her and her friends were having a fancy dress party before they went their separate ways and asked if I would like to come along in female mode. Honestly, I didn’t jump at the chance, but she persuaded me that it would be fun. Eventually I agreed, it was fancy dress, I wasn’t really being a girl, I would be me in a dress.
On the day of the party I went to my cousins to get ready. My aunt was working. I showered, as I came out of the bathroom my cousin looked me up and down and said I needed to lose hair. She marched me back into the bathroom, handed me a razor and told me I would look better in the dress with shaved legs, chest and underarms. I even experimented with my bikini line! As I stood undressed in front of the mirror, the confidence that I could be a girl for the night flooded in. Any reluctance or fears I had melted away! I was ready to go public!
After she had showered, we went to get dressed. She gave me the prettiest lace panties, bra and garter belt, and a pair of seamed stockings I could ever dream of wearing. Seeing the dress, I understood the need to remove some body hair. It was red, sleeveless with a mid-thigh length to it. I did my makeup and had on a pair of cute kitten heels with handbag to match. I was a girl and I was ready to party! We presented ourselves to my aunt, who thought we looked like a cute couple (my cousin was dressed as a man). She took photos for the sole purpose of future embarrassment! The guy picking us up was a friend of my cousin, he turned up dressed as a military general. More photos of me with the general were taken. I still have one in an old album.
The party was fun, I got some nice compliments, otherwise no one looked at me twice. As the evening wore on, I relaxed and became the girl I wanted to be which is seen as smiling and friendly. I was invited to dance with many people, then when the General asked me to dance with him and I felt my heart jump into my mouth. We danced for a couple of songs and as a slow one came on, I went off to sit down, but felt a hand on my elbow. I turned to find the general smiling at me. We danced close and slow. As soon as the song ended, and I went out to the garden for some air and to think about what had just happened.
I think I was crying, unsure of myself, the confident girl for five minutes before was now unsure and confused. The general came and sat next to me, he asked if I would like to dance with him again and I could hear my head say no as my mouth said yes. We could hear the music coming from the house, and being held gently in his arms, it just felt right and very natural. A wave of warmth and happiness swept over me. After our private dance in the garden, he shocked me by kissing me. The shock wasn’t that he kissed me, but the fact that I didn’t resist! We returned to the party and danced together several more times.
It got late and the party started to dissolve, there were only a few couples left and me and the general were one of them. We were talking while others were making out. We went back into to the garden. We sat side by side, his arm around my shoulder and only the occasional glance. I risked another kiss! It was long, gentle and loving! I stopped and asked if he knew I was a boy, he replied that of course he knew and that was his preference, but I was the first he’d ever kissed. As the moment became more intense, my cousin interrupted as it was time to head home. So, with my handbag conveniently placed, we said our goodbyes and the general drove us home.
Later, back at my cousins, we were sharing a room, a cup of tea and some late night/early morning conversation.
What did I think of the General?
He was cute!
He’s probably into guys.
Did I want to see him again?
“Good”, she said, he’s coming around tomorrow, do you want to be left alone?
So, with my best laid plan, I dressed up in a way that could best be described as a “working girl”. I waited for what seemed like forever. When he arrived, I opened the door, he looked shocked to see me. He came in and sat down and said, “Is that how you want to be seen?”. I felt really embarrassed and ran out of the room! He came after me and said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you”!
Everything that followed was how I imagined it would be, only my feelings were much more intense than I expected. I think I was supposed to feel guilty, but everything had felt so right, so natural, so beautiful. We met almost daily, there wasn’t always the intimacy, but the excitement was always there. It never felt like the first time again.
Three weeks of unconditional teenage love, he then left to go to college. I knew it was always going to happen, but I had found a route to understanding who/what I was, and I was happy.
I met the general some years later and he was in a long-term relationship with his now husband. We met with a handshake and parted with a hug.
I have been settled for 30 years with my current SO. I love the life I have with a woman who knows about and understands my need to be Morgana. I wouldn’t change it for the world!
- Have you ever been sexually attracted to men while dressed as a girl/woman?
- Have you every kissed a guy while dressed as a girl?
- How early in life did you initially start in with your thrill of cross dressing?
Thanks for reading my article and please take some time to answer one or more of the above questions related to the message of my article!