It’s an old joke in the transgender community that goes like this:
Q: “What’s the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?”
A: “Two years”
This provides some humorous levity while astutely implying a truth about transsexuals – many of them started out as crossdressers. Unfortunately, while it makes for a fun observation it doesn’t really provide any useful insights for those who are struggling with their gender identity, or for others who hear that someone they love is a crossdresser.
It’s also easy to describe the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual by sharing the definition of each word and describing transgender terminology.
It’s more difficult to help those struggling with their gender identity determine whether they are a crossdresser or transsexual, though I’ve made such an attempt a few times.
Five days ago I had sex reassignment surgery. As someone who once considered themselves a crossdresser, and now considers herself a transsexual woman without question of doubt I feel I’m in a position to provide some valuable insight for those struggling with a similar question. It goes without saying that each person is different, and this question is best explored together with a qualified therapist, after all you’ll make life altering decisions based on what you discover.
How Do I Know if I’m a Transsexual?
- You consider yourself a woman: Crossdressers enjoy being woman for a time, but still consider themselves to be a man. Many are even happy being a man, and indulging their feminine persona a few times a week or month is all they need. Even if they fantasize about being transformed into a woman, crossdressers never seriously consider this to be a long term way of life.
Transsexuals feel an intense cognitive dissonance between the genders of their mind and body. For me this manifested itself in a constant ‘mind static’ that pervaded every moment. I couldn’t enjoy the fullness of life because of a birth defect that placed me in the wrong body. For some it gets so serious that they seriously consider suicide as the only solution. - It’s about who you are, not the clothes: For many crossdressers the infatuation with the feminine revolves around their appearance. The clothes, the makeup, the impossibly high heels. Even for crossdressers who strive to blend in, it’s about being feminine. Being feminine feels good and exciting.
For transsexuals the entire experience doesn’t revolve around the accessories of gender expression. Another common refrain is, “How do you tell the transsexuals at a transgender conference?”, “They’re the ones wearing jeans”. It’s about who you are, not who you appear to be. - You take the good with the bad: Transsexuals realize that there is no escaping being a woman. No time off for good behavior. We can’t decide to be a man for a certain circumstance just because it would be easier. While we may lament the discrimination we face as women it doesn’t factor in to whether we are a woman.
- Womanhood is messy reality, not an idealized fantasy: If your sole experience of womanhood is as a fantasy, then you don’t have enough information to say that you’re a transsexual. Many crossdressers only experience what they consider the ‘highlights’ of womanhood (It’s another post as to why I don’t believe these are the actual highlights). Nights out feeling sensual, or safe gatherings dressed in their finest feminine attire. The truth is that womanhood isn’t quite as clean or elegant. Many transsexual woman experienced and embraced the messy reality of womanhood before transitioning. If you’re wondering, seek out every day experiences as a woman.
Embrace Who You Are
Gender Identity isn’t a game that you win by being more feminine. The only way to win is to discover where you are on the spectrum, and accept yourself unconditionally. If you’re not a transsexual, that’s okay. If you are, that’s okay too.
I’ve shared my thoughts on how to determine whether you’re a crossdresser or transsexual. What insights have I missed? If you’re a crossdresser and firm in that knowledge, how did you come to this realization?
More Articles by Vanessa Law
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- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
I love to dress up, unfortunately my spouse hates it, so I spend a lot of time “In the closet" I have often thought about suicide, but think that’s the coward in me. I don’t have anyone to confide in and have thought about joining a group like AA for cross dressers. But I don’t believe in a god that would make a “man" who abused me and made me hate men, especially myself so there you go. I guess I’m posting this looking for some help of some kind. I’m not sure if I’m trans but certainly a CD.… Read more »
Patricia mentioned above several transgender identities and said “that’s okay." Absolutely! I like to tell people that no matter where anyone identifies under the transgender umbrella, we’re like Baskin Robbins ice cream, 31 flavors chillin in the cooler together. I am very new to truly discovering myself. And I must yield to Vanessa’s wisdom and experience. But I once and and even still recently thought I was a crossdresser. I went through some very intense inward looking. I have in large part the wonderful environment this site provides to thank for a place with which to do that searching. I… Read more »
I have been this way since birth. I realized it about five when I would only play with the girls. Hop Scotch, jacks, tether ball, dress-up. In the fourth grade I started playing baseball. As I migrated into adulthood I would babysit for my sister, put the kids to bed and locked myself into my sisters bedroom. Then the desire to express myself outweighed the success of my marriage. I kept trying to find ways out. I finally did after two and a half years. Keep in mind Wen was beautiful and a nympho of sorts. No amount of hetero… Read more »
hi Dawn loved your story i lived most of my life trying to figure out why i thougt and felt different then everybody else i have a very strong female side and i ve my male side i enjoy both sides but i used to surpress my female side and because of this i suffered from self doubt and no self esteem then 6 years ago i met my wife and with bher awsome suport i found me the word i use to describe my self is pangender i never had a problem with my male side but i was… Read more »
Thanks for your insight.
Over the years it seems to come and go. Right now I am in the throes of being jennie jaye…dressing most everyday…definitely panties and tops….started herbals (too scared of hormones just yet) ….I recently came to grips my sexuality with sexuality and realized that I have been gay for years. It’s very complicated because I am married to a straight vanilla lady and we have basically become roommates’. I respect her and love her like a good friend, but we have not been ‘active’ (if you know what I mean) for over 10 years . I’d love to go full… Read more »
Dani I can so relate. I “just came out" recently, and instead of just enjoying the ride I’m fixated on CD or Transsexual? Maybe its both? Maybe I’m “two years away?" I love your advice – we’re all different flavors; born with complexities most people don’t have and all at different places on the female – male spectrum. One thing I bless now instead of curse is our “gift" albeit misunderstood, many times by ourselves. Every day now is a precious gift I will no longer take for granted. xxxooo Robin
Well put Vanessa. I am a crossdresser through and through, although I’m definitely not in to the impossible to walk in 5″ heels category! I love “playing" a woman at times, but for me it is a part time thing – almost a hobby. I really respect those who have and are going through transition. I can’t imagine the difficulties involved.
Anyway, vive la difference!
April
excellent article… I have a cross dresser that is wondering if he is a tranny.. lol… I think after he plays in clothes and entertains someone who truely appreciates treating him like a woman and he enjoys being submissive and feeling man handled and dominated.. then for a few sprung days or weeks he may feel his feminine side is stronger .. but as the sprungness wears off.. he is happy being the man he has always been and does not feel trapped or misunderstood.. he is fine with having a feminine version of himself and enjoys the clothes and… Read more »
I found your article wonderful. I hope that I can find a lady as understanding as you in my life someday soon.
After reading this article I am more inclined then ever to believe that Bruce/Caitlin Jenner was in fact a cross dresser and pressured by some in the glbt community to come out as transgender. Watching KUWTK & I am Cait just didnt seem or feel authentic to me. Especially when Caitlins friends started talking reassignment surgery. I for one don’t by the story that reassignment surgery was done. No one goes from being that skeptical and at that age to boom i had my penis removed 6 months later.
WoW….Thanks for helping me to somewhat understand my situation…..Mentally I AM 90% Female, 100% attracted to Women. I Want to Transition into a non-op Female……I AM KELLIANN!!!!!
Kellann, most transwoman do not have gender re-assignment surgery because of the high cost or for medical or personal reasons. And many cannot do HRT because of existing medical conditions. Most transgender people transition socially. Social transition includes wearing clothes that matches your gender identification, voice feminization, hair removal, cosmetic surgery, official name change, growing your hair out or wearing wigs,or hair transplant and most importantly learning to live life as a female. Dedicated crossdresser usually do all the above except for living life as an authentic woman.