I’ve spent a lot of time on here today talking with people and reading stories, and I had the question asked of me: “When did I first know that I was like all of the other girls here”. I’ve thought about that a lot since, and it made me revisit my childhood and try to remember as far back as I possibly can. Even now, I still don’t know the exact answer to the question. And it’s partially because for me “knowing” was always much more than just my outward presentation. The feeling that I was born in the wrong body has just always been there and I’ve spent a lifetime trying to hide it because of my conservative upbringing.
The question also led me to thinking about other things. Like my sexuality. And when I first discovered I was attracted to both genders, and not just one or the other. Again, it goes back too far for me to come to a specific answer, but I can say this, I think others sensed it in me as early as my childhood, because I had both other boys (who were on the surface totally boy!) as well as girls who were attracted to me. And I explored things during my childhood, I have to admit, with both genders as well. Yet it was always kept a secret.
I understand that sexuality and gender are not necessarily linked, yet it makes me wonder now if, even though I thought I was good at disguising my feminine side and tendencies, did they still seep out and cause otherwise seemingly straight boys to feel attracted to me? I’m so confused by that. And it happened too often for it to be coincidence. I never intentionally presented myself as anything other than straight. I always had a girlfriend and never showed any outward interest in boys to my knowledge. But when they approached me, possibly the girl inside forced her way out for a bit because she was starved for the attention?
I just knew I was not born the right gender, but my family was very conservative and I was so ashamed of who I was. I tried as I got older to repress who I felt I was inside because it was easier to just do that and please everyone else than to bring my family shame. But even though I tried so hard, I could not resist indulging my need to dress and be “me” from time to time when I knew I could without the fear of being caught. I got married at 19 years old to a girl I barely really even knew to try to appear a man. And when she would be out and I knew I’d have the apartment to myself for several hours I would hit her closet and make up and move about our apartment as myself. I would dance and pose in the mirror and talk out loud just to hear my female voice and I was happy for a little while. But it was always short lived as I had to put my man suit back on and once again live a lie.
But I’ve become side tracked. Back to the original question… I am not sure when I “knew”. It has just always been. Let me ask you all the same question: Do any of you know when you realized you were really a girl inside or is it like with me and just kinda always been there?
For me, it’s always kinda been there. I explored being bisexual when I was 11 through 12 years old. After that experimentation, I came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian trapped in a male’s body but wasn’t really in a place and family where I could admit it to anyone (ultra conservative family in the Deep South). I am very lucky that I have never felt anxiety about not being able to really be the girl I believe I am. When I reached my 20’s I was able to admit to my (ex) fiancé, who I never married,… Read more »
Thank you for sharing that Mika. I don’t Know you at all but feel that I know you so well as we have shared the same journey. I am so happy that you have someone in your life that loves you and accepts you for just you. That’s beautiful.
Hi Mikka, your post grabbed my attention when you mentioned feeling like a male lesbian, as I have felt this way for most of my life, and still do. I’m married as well, and at the point with my wife where I’m in something feminine everyday, she even shot the pictures I posted here. When I read how you are easing your wife into things with under dressing I just had to chime in and let you know that you are on the absolute right track. Your wife has had 10 years to get used to that side of you.… Read more »
Thanks, Cindy. I have definitely been trying to pamper her a bit more since I told her I wanted to take crossdressing to the next level. My first pair of heels will arrive today and my first skirt will arrive by Monday. I don’t think I will jump right in with the skirt around her just yet. I’ll just wear my heels around the house and practice walking in them. I will take your advice and lavish her with adoration and pamper her even more when I am wearing something girly. There is definitely a bit of Pavlov to doing… Read more »
Pavlov, oh my yes, it was by design. At first I felt a little guilty, but there’s no harm in a little trickery if nobody gets hurt and everybody is happy right? Honestly though, it wasnt even a ruse, I felt so incredibly grateful for her acceptance and wholehearted participation in my CDing that is was easy to lavish attention on her, it has now become a welcome habit.
Hi Rachel,
Wonderful article! I believe that my feminine side started when I was in my mother’s womb and she wanted a girl. I was bathed in the chemicals produced by her thoughts. I fought it for most of my life, but it really was a wonderful gift that I have come to accept. When did I consciously know? It goes back to when I was a child. I can’t say what age for sure. I just wish that I didn’t bury the feelings most of my life and live a false self on the outside.
Hi Rachel. Such a good article. Things in it just ring true with me as well. I’m not sure when I realized I was bi or wanted to be a girl. Like most have said It has always just been there. I married young as well for the same reason to be the man. It didn’t last nor did my other marriages since I couldn’t be myself. I have always repressed it because it was so much easier on the family and friends. I have just recently decided not to fight it anymore and I am happier for it.
Good for you Maria. ☺️. And thank you so much for replying to this and sharing part of who you are as well. And I’ll tell you a little secrete… No matter how hard I would try as Randel,. I much happier when I don’t have to play the part of being him and can just let myself BE ME…. So I’m very happy you have reach the place I long to reach
When? By early puberty for sure, I was very intensely attracted to men. I would sometimes get crushes on other boys, but I had very strong sexual feelings for grown men and would always fantasize about being in the woman’s role. It felt natural. Dressing came forth from those urges. I would see women in lingerie ads, for example and think men would find me desirable if I also dressed that way.
Oh my! . And then there is that as well
Rachel, your words ring so very close to home. I’ve remembered my childhood and I knew at a young age I was different. When I was 10 I started dressing full out from the very first time not just panties or nylons but the whole deal. I dressed for halloween when I was 11 and that was it, Knew I was Heather. Shortly after that puberty kicked in and things took a sexual overtone and I too started experimenting with both sexes. I live now in man mode most of the time as my wife doesn’t support me but like… Read more »
I’m glad you find you time to let yourself be free. I think that is important.
I don’t read many of these stories but yours instantly reminded me of how I felt as a child and then as a teenager before I sort of understood what was going on. All my friends at school were female and to this day I have no real male friends and never have had. (I’m 70)
Until I met my wife I had no-one I could really discuss with. It was a lonely world. We’ve been married more than 20 years. Friend and partner but different sizes, unfortunately!
Thank you for sharing with me. I totally agree. It so helps having someone to share your most intimate Secrets with. My wife is amazing for loving me for who I am rather than who I am not.
I think I’m rather unusual in this as nearly all the posts I read on here describe girls who knew they were girls from a very young age.I only “properly" began to realise this in my 70s, having discovered a love for wearing things feminine and looking feminine too in m,y late 60s, almost by chance. I have spent a great deal of tim,e thinking about this as my feminine feelings are now really powerful. Looking back, I realise that I’ve always had a feminine side (I was never a macho man), and because I was brought up traditionally, I… Read more »
Thanks Rachel for the story. As an 8 year old I remember borrowing my sisters dresses and going into the bathroom, locking the door to try them on. The memories are quite vivid. Dressing progressed from there throughout my life, mostly behind locked doors. I sometimes thought I was jealous of my 3 sisters who had my moms undivided attention. My dad and 2 brothers were my male models, but I never felt I fit in there. Therapy in my early 30s convinced me I was transgender.. but still lived outward as a man.. marrying my college GF and having… Read more »
Most of these comments fit me except I did not cross dress till later. Marriage early, trying both, etc.
Loved reading your thoughts on " Looking Back". We all have had to chronicle the many moments in our pasts that kept reminding us what we do, & who we are.
Your pictures are beautiful. Checkout my profile and gallery so we can chat.
I have been out in public since the 1960’s, in my 20’s.
Love to hear from you…
Dr.T.J.