There is so much feeling put into the preparation of becoming the woman we envision. The excitement that builds as a certain time gets closer. It can be the world’s greatest distraction. The hands of the clock moving at a speed slower than snails on a glue trap… Many have the luxury to dress daily or frequently, while others must calculate, plan, adapt, and be ready for heartache when plans go awry for a special day.
So many have shared their stories, their personal excitement and successes. You can read about them in the article archives. I want to explore the feelings after the dress comes off, the makeup is removed, and our inner-woman is once again pushed down into the place we hide her.
My life is infinitely better for having my feminine side. Way back, it didn’t feel as such. The instant the dress came off, I might have tossed it, and the recently purchased shoes, into the trash. I would go through the shame, guilt, and futile promises of “never again.” It was as bi-polar as it could get. The buildup, the excitement, the living in the fog of the moment… and then… it ended. I’d hate myself, what I did, and what it meant to MY (perceived) life. It would take a while for the negativity to dissipate. And yet… I found myself better mentally after it did. I was happier and more settled, even focused on the tasks that I needed to do. But…
It wouldn’t be long before that itch pricked my brain, and I would spend waking and sleeping thoughts on when the next time would be. The plotting and planning to buy that next pair of high heels and what to wear with them. This cycle would continue over most of my younger adult life. It never “clicked” for me; that it was the gaps afterward that were the problem. Shutting out a very important part of myself created the tension that needed to be satiate. It took a divorce and another failed relationship to see that I was the ultimate problem in the equation.
Taking off the dress and putting/ tossing it away was a momentary pause to the bigger issue not addressed. I have a feminine side that is never going away. It can’t be eradicated, destroyed, convinced, challenged, or ignored. I didn’t know or understand it, but she did. And she is very persistent. Eventually, I came to understand why she is so important and to recognize that together as one, we are a much better individual. I still have my anxiety about what the world will think of me if she is exposed. Although, that feeling continues to be less threatening to me.
Today, I appreciate the opportunity to put on the dress, and I take special care when it is taken off. Reverently, I set it aside for the next time. Oh yes, I know there will be a next time and another one after that. I’m blessed in that I start most of my mornings giving way to my feminine side. It’s not about becoming passable (I rarely do makeup) or living off the pent up excitement dressing once meant to me. It is instead the bringing together of my particular unison. The exploration and the completion of myself. I can honestly say now that having to take off the dress is more likely to make me sad as I feel a greater pull toward my femininity these days. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like my male side; I just find more comfort and connection with my feminine self. This blend, this union, whatever you wish to make of it, it has helped me to find more peace within.
I hang up the dress, stow away the nylons, shoes, and wig until tomorrow. It’s rare that it is longer than a couple of days (only because the male world had a hook in me) before I am me again. Yes, me is wearing the dress, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Typing with my acrylic nails (sometimes extra-long) always makes me smile. Brushing the wig-hair out of my eyes and seeing the lip-gloss stains on my coffee cup feels right. I’m not acting, playing a role, or even trying to pretend; I’m just being me. I’m also me when the pants and guy clothes go on so that I may blend into the world and what it expects of me. Little does it know that I’m no longer an either-or.
Not only has my mindset adjusted, so has my body. The maleness smartly hacked away to offer more in conjunction with the feminine perception. My morning ritual would be more acquainted to womanly than manly. I still shave, only now to keep my face more neutral and less huntsman. My normal scent is citrus (shampoo and body wash), I use a neutral cologne, deodorant, and body lotion and have long stopped worrying if others notice. (They don’t care, and neither do I!) My jeans are women’s (men’s don’t fit right—but is that my perception, my feminine perception, or just a reality?) Who cares? I like the fit better, but I miss the deep front pockets… My natural nails are longer, the hair on my arms trimmed and shaved back, torso as well. I wear women’s underwear (I do keep a few male pairs around for guy trips—fishing.) Why do men like boxers? I never did… but is that my femininity at play? I can’t help but wonder how many men would give up their standardized clothes once they started wearing women’s attire? It just fits and feels so much better. Women are always right.
My wish for all of you is simple. I hope you find your own peace. We have a life to live, and sometimes it demands a certain obedience. The consequences can be harsh for not following procedures. I get it, and so do your sisters in arms. My hope is that the next time you take off the dress, you’ll consider what it might really signify. Not the end of an experience, but rather the connecting bridge to becoming a more contented you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a feminine side, or in its expression. For me, that dress is a lifesaver. What is it for you when the dress comes off?
Be well, be happy, and be amazed by the little things that surround you…
Until next time,
Brina
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Hi Brina,Very well said and really helps me to not feel as judgemental on myself for feeling the way I do.Thanks so much !!!
Thank you, Jennie for the kind words! 🙂
Well done, Brina! I agree with everything in this article 100%. I find it more and more difficult to take off the dress these days. In all truth, I think it was always hard but I would “do things" that made me want nothing more than to rip it off and (like you say) throw it all away (I think you know what I mean…). I’ve found that leaving that practice behind and enjoying the femininity for what it is – a true expression of who I am – allows me to carry forward more of the good feeling after… Read more »
Great pictures in your words. I could see it as I read along! When we finally toss out the self-imposed negativity and learn to embrace the positives, the world becomes less hectic and sad! Thanks for the comments! 🙂
Hello Sabrina
WOW! Another great piece of work
And everything you wrote is so true.
I would go through everything you wrote, from the guilt, throughout all my clothes.
But years ago, I discovered in the Bible, in dueteronomy, that men should not wear woman’s garments and like wise for the women. Am a believer in JESUS CHRIST so
This is another of my dilemmas.
Keep those stories coming
Jennifer Ramirez
Read your comment. I too believe in Jesus Christ and I dress frequently. Had my dilemmas with that situation, but its ok Jesus loves us as we are warts and all. I have peace with Him knowing that he knows everything about me and accepts my faith in Him regardless.
Keep the faith, sister! Love, Aurora Borealis
Thank you, Jennifer! Religion is tough, let alone the interpretation of sentiments stated 5,000 years ago. Much like the assessment and rethinking of the constitution in politics. There will never be a good answer because we have no one of historical age to communicate with or verify to. Much like my status on the gender spectrum, my religious and political outlook is similar. We could have a long and lovely conversation on perceptions over wine or coffee someday 🙂 I appreciate your comments!
It is tough, but mine is of faith, and not a religion. As far as politics are concerned I don’t dabble in it. Have a blessed day Sabrina
Faith is a very powerful state of consciousness. It alone is the one driving motivation behind completion. It’s a truth in all endeavors, and yet it is never right or wrong, that is a human concept.
I wish you a beautiful Sunday!
Perhaps I shouldn’t comment, because I consider myself an atheist, but this just makes me sad. We have a hard enough time judging ourselves and worrying about being judged by others, then to have another layer of guilt added because of some words that were written down by some guy thousands of years ago? Not helpful. I should add that, despite my beliefs, I agree that there is a good, strong message of love in the teachings of Jesus, and therefore anyone who believes in Jesus would only be honoring him by loving and respecting this community…we aren’t here to… Read more »
You would love my new book…once it’s published…
Oooh! Tell me more…
Your right Alexis you shouldn’t have commented!!
Friend Brina, you’re making me think a LOT today, and that’s a good thing. I need to take a good look at myself which isn’t easy, but it is necessary. Thanks much, and keep up writing!!
Thank you, Sylvia! 🙂
Lovely thoughts Brina. Always hung, Never tossed!
Made me smile! 🙂
Thanks for that Brina, wonderful article that I can absolutely relate to. I’m definitely at the ‘hang carefully away’ stage now and I am far happier for being there. The gaps between dressing fully are too big for my liking but I always carry some part of Kim with me in one way or another.
X
It is my hope that we save a few beautiful dresses and shoes from unnecessary demise! Thanks for the comments 🙂
Great article! Hugs, Aurora B.
Thank you, Aurora! 🙂
What a great story, thank you for sharing.
You are welcome! Thanks 🙂
Hi Brina That is such a lovely article and so so relevant to a lot of us. In my case I think my mind set started to change a few years ago but in the last twelve months my feminine side has been growing exponentially! which to start with I must admit was a little unnerving but now I’m enjoying and embracing the developing new me. When you talked about times gone by it got me thinking of those times to, when I was young and the kids were just in school the only time I had to dress which,… Read more »
Well said! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your sentiments!
well said and great advice!
Thank you, Leah 🙂