There is so much feeling put into the preparation of becoming the woman we envision. The excitement that builds as a certain time gets closer. It can be the world’s greatest distraction. The hands of the clock moving at a speed slower than snails on a glue trap… Many have the luxury to dress daily or frequently, while others must calculate, plan, adapt, and be ready for heartache when plans go awry for a special day.
So many have shared their stories, their personal excitement and successes. You can read about them in the article archives. I want to explore the feelings after the dress comes off, the makeup is removed, and our inner-woman is once again pushed down into the place we hide her.
My life is infinitely better for having my feminine side. Way back, it didn’t feel as such. The instant the dress came off, I might have tossed it, and the recently purchased shoes, into the trash. I would go through the shame, guilt, and futile promises of “never again.” It was as bi-polar as it could get. The buildup, the excitement, the living in the fog of the moment… and then… it ended. I’d hate myself, what I did, and what it meant to MY (perceived) life. It would take a while for the negativity to dissipate. And yet… I found myself better mentally after it did. I was happier and more settled, even focused on the tasks that I needed to do. But…
It wouldn’t be long before that itch pricked my brain, and I would spend waking and sleeping thoughts on when the next time would be. The plotting and planning to buy that next pair of high heels and what to wear with them. This cycle would continue over most of my younger adult life. It never “clicked” for me; that it was the gaps afterward that were the problem. Shutting out a very important part of myself created the tension that needed to be satiate. It took a divorce and another failed relationship to see that I was the ultimate problem in the equation.
Taking off the dress and putting/ tossing it away was a momentary pause to the bigger issue not addressed. I have a feminine side that is never going away. It can’t be eradicated, destroyed, convinced, challenged, or ignored. I didn’t know or understand it, but she did. And she is very persistent. Eventually, I came to understand why she is so important and to recognize that together as one, we are a much better individual. I still have my anxiety about what the world will think of me if she is exposed. Although, that feeling continues to be less threatening to me.
Today, I appreciate the opportunity to put on the dress, and I take special care when it is taken off. Reverently, I set it aside for the next time. Oh yes, I know there will be a next time and another one after that. I’m blessed in that I start most of my mornings giving way to my feminine side. It’s not about becoming passable (I rarely do makeup) or living off the pent up excitement dressing once meant to me. It is instead the bringing together of my particular unison. The exploration and the completion of myself. I can honestly say now that having to take off the dress is more likely to make me sad as I feel a greater pull toward my femininity these days. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like my male side; I just find more comfort and connection with my feminine self. This blend, this union, whatever you wish to make of it, it has helped me to find more peace within.
I hang up the dress, stow away the nylons, shoes, and wig until tomorrow. It’s rare that it is longer than a couple of days (only because the male world had a hook in me) before I am me again. Yes, me is wearing the dress, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Typing with my acrylic nails (sometimes extra-long) always makes me smile. Brushing the wig-hair out of my eyes and seeing the lip-gloss stains on my coffee cup feels right. I’m not acting, playing a role, or even trying to pretend; I’m just being me. I’m also me when the pants and guy clothes go on so that I may blend into the world and what it expects of me. Little does it know that I’m no longer an either-or.
Not only has my mindset adjusted, so has my body. The maleness smartly hacked away to offer more in conjunction with the feminine perception. My morning ritual would be more acquainted to womanly than manly. I still shave, only now to keep my face more neutral and less huntsman. My normal scent is citrus (shampoo and body wash), I use a neutral cologne, deodorant, and body lotion and have long stopped worrying if others notice. (They don’t care, and neither do I!) My jeans are women’s (men’s don’t fit right—but is that my perception, my feminine perception, or just a reality?) Who cares? I like the fit better, but I miss the deep front pockets… My natural nails are longer, the hair on my arms trimmed and shaved back, torso as well. I wear women’s underwear (I do keep a few male pairs around for guy trips—fishing.) Why do men like boxers? I never did… but is that my femininity at play? I can’t help but wonder how many men would give up their standardized clothes once they started wearing women’s attire? It just fits and feels so much better. Women are always right.
My wish for all of you is simple. I hope you find your own peace. We have a life to live, and sometimes it demands a certain obedience. The consequences can be harsh for not following procedures. I get it, and so do your sisters in arms. My hope is that the next time you take off the dress, you’ll consider what it might really signify. Not the end of an experience, but rather the connecting bridge to becoming a more contented you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a feminine side, or in its expression. For me, that dress is a lifesaver. What is it for you when the dress comes off?
Be well, be happy, and be amazed by the little things that surround you…
Until next time,
Brina
hello and great post and words. i dress up when no other adult child is home, wife would tell me i can dress up, but when i do it’s all over i dress up all the way and make up on, perfume, earring’s, necklace, heels, nylons, panties, pad, bra, wig then i hate to take it off. when no one is home i dress up and then i see my wife coming home so i hurry and get undressed for some stupid reason, she knows why hide it? i hate undressing, for i feel that i should be dressed as… Read more »
My wife knows too, but out of respect of her wishes, I don’t dress around her. I don’t think that’s a stupid reason at all. Maybe that’s just what works for your relationship?
Thanks for the comments, Lucinda. I get where you are coming from. I think it still comes down to the boundaries set for us and by us. Mine are ever-expanding outward…
Excellent, well-written article Brina! Just about everything in it resonates for me.. Thanks for articulating what so many of us feel. I find it harder and harder to take off the dress…
Thanks, Mona! I agree.
Loving the heels in the picture! Do they come in any other colours? Xx
They do. I found them on Amazon. One of my favorite pairs now.
Cool. I love browsing on amazon too! So many bargains to be had, i love to buy new shoes most weeks, starting to get quite a collection. A girl can never have enough shoes. X
I loved your article. When I wear women’s clothes I enjoy every moment, but in the end I always feel something strange, I still don’t know if it’s a feeling of guilt, frustration…
Despite this, every day my feminine side grows stronger. I love my men’s boxers, but if I could I’d trade them for panties and bras.
Thanks for the comments, Marie. I tried to wear boxers, hated them…maybe if they were satin and pink… 🙂
I have a long half-written article on the short, wonderful period of my life when I had a good gg friend who knew about Cassie and enjoyed spending time with her. I hope to finish it sometime soon for submission to CDH for publishing. But, Brina’s wonderful essay about that instant, that moment, that feeling when we “take off our dresses,” when we come out of that magical place we live in when we are dressed makes me want to share one quick anecdote, to wit: Let’s call my gg friend Ginger. It was one of the first few times Ginger had… Read more »
Nice! Nothing more needs to be said 🙂
Wonderful story. That moment of sisterhood at the end has me in the feels. This is what we want.
This article really resonated with me – the realization that I am more natural, content and productive as a woman! The real me is Alexandra although I can make do with the man me knowing that she is always there!
I know how you feel! Thanks for the comments 🙂
I remember the first few times I went out dressed up. I ran all of my errands, came home, and was so dissappointed I couldn’t think of anything else I needed to go and do. It’s a bit more routine now, but when the outfit looks especially good, it’s hard to put everything away.
Dressed equals contentment. Having to give that up is hard. It’s why I’m glad that I start my days out as such. It makes the rest of the day much easier to get through. Thanks for the comments! 🙂
It was like that for many the planning, hiding girl stuff,waiting and then being ashamed.
I never went thru that but I do empathize.
Great post I enjoyed reading it.
Thanks for the comments! 🙂
You’re very welcome
Very nice article. Sounds like my life long journey. Also after a divorce and a relationship I also realized that she is always in me waiting for her moment. When giving in and allowing her to have her way it is so relaxing and comforting feeling femme. Although as her my perspective and interest are more towards her then where I was before. Example like coordinating attire rather then just throwing something on to work in the yard. I like to feel girlie. I gave her Time when I found myself alone an realized she is me. Now she is… Read more »
I agree! My whole perspective on being me has changed. I no longer wear clothes I have always disliked but felt pressured to wear to keep a certain image. That’s not to say that today’s image isn’t still being tempered. I hated men’s body wash and many of the scents. I love the “softer" feeling that lotions and oils provide, the scents of citrus, and wearing clothing that makes me feel good. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Great article Brina. Like you, and perhaps everyone else I too have gone through the guilt after the pleasure of dressing up and expressing my feminine side. Though unlike others I never have gone through the buy and purge cycle many have. After the dress comes off? Well, it depends, sometimes it’s extreme sadness at having to leave Amy in the dark once again, however at times there is a wonderful glow which stays with me for another day or perhaps two if I’m lucky. Just a feeling of happiness and contentment I’ve never felt before till then. Recently I… Read more »
Great words of wisdom in there, Amy! I hope others read your comments! Thanks for sharing 🙂