There is so much feeling put into the preparation of becoming the woman we envision. The excitement that builds as a certain time gets closer. It can be the world’s greatest distraction. The hands of the clock moving at a speed slower than snails on a glue trap… Many have the luxury to dress daily or frequently, while others must calculate, plan, adapt, and be ready for heartache when plans go awry for a special day.

So many have shared their stories, their personal excitement and successes. You can read about them in the article archives. I want to explore the feelings after the dress comes off, the makeup is removed, and our inner-woman is once again pushed down into the place we hide her.

My life is infinitely better for having my feminine side. Way back, it didn’t feel as such. The instant the dress came off, I might have tossed it, and the recently purchased shoes, into the trash. I would go through the shame, guilt, and futile promises of “never again.” It was as bi-polar as it could get. The buildup, the excitement, the living in the fog of the moment… and then… it ended. I’d hate myself, what I did, and what it meant to MY (perceived) life. It would take a while for the negativity to dissipate. And yet… I found myself better mentally after it did. I was happier and more settled, even focused on the tasks that I needed to do. But…

It wouldn’t be long before that itch pricked my brain, and I would spend waking and sleeping thoughts on when the next time would be. The plotting and planning to buy that next pair of high heels and what to wear with them. This cycle would continue over most of my younger adult life. It never “clicked” for me; that it was the gaps afterward that were the problem. Shutting out a very important part of myself created the tension that needed to be satiate. It took a divorce and another failed relationship to see that I was the ultimate problem in the equation.

Koala Swim

Taking off the dress and putting/ tossing it away was a momentary pause to the bigger issue not addressed. I have a feminine side that is never going away. It can’t be eradicated, destroyed, convinced, challenged, or ignored. I didn’t know or understand it, but she did. And she is very persistent. Eventually, I came to understand why she is so important and to recognize that together as one, we are a much better individual. I still have my anxiety about what the world will think of me if she is exposed. Although, that feeling continues to be less threatening to me.

Today, I appreciate the opportunity to put on the dress, and I take special care when it is taken off. Reverently, I set it aside for the next time. Oh yes, I know there will be a next time and another one after that. I’m blessed in that I start most of my mornings giving way to my feminine side. It’s not about becoming passable (I rarely do makeup) or living off the pent up excitement dressing once meant to me. It is instead the bringing together of my particular unison. The exploration and the completion of myself. I can honestly say now that having to take off the dress is more likely to make me sad as I feel a greater pull toward my femininity these days. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like my male side; I just find more comfort and connection with my feminine self. This blend, this union, whatever you wish to make of it, it has helped me to find more peace within.

I hang up the dress, stow away the nylons, shoes, and wig until tomorrow. It’s rare that it is longer than a couple of days (only because the male world had a hook in me) before I am me again. Yes, me is wearing the dress, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Typing with my acrylic nails (sometimes extra-long) always makes me smile. Brushing the wig-hair out of my eyes and seeing the lip-gloss stains on my coffee cup feels right. I’m not acting, playing a role, or even trying to pretend; I’m just being me. I’m also me when the pants and guy clothes go on so that I may blend into the world and what it expects of me. Little does it know that I’m no longer an either-or.

Not only has my mindset adjusted, so has my body. The maleness smartly hacked away to offer more in conjunction with the feminine perception. My morning ritual would be more acquainted to womanly than manly. I still shave, only now to keep my face more neutral and less huntsman. My normal scent is citrus (shampoo and body wash), I use a neutral cologne, deodorant, and body lotion and have long stopped worrying if others notice. (They don’t care, and neither do I!) My jeans are women’s (men’s don’t fit right—but is that my perception, my feminine perception, or just a reality?) Who cares? I like the fit better, but I miss the deep front pockets… My natural nails are longer, the hair on my arms trimmed and shaved back, torso as well. I wear women’s underwear (I do keep a few male pairs around for guy trips—fishing.) Why do men like boxers? I never did… but is that my femininity at play? I can’t help but wonder how many men would give up their standardized clothes once they started wearing women’s attire? It just fits and feels so much better. Women are always right.

My wish for all of you is simple. I hope you find your own peace. We have a life to live, and sometimes it demands a certain obedience. The consequences can be harsh for not following procedures. I get it, and so do your sisters in arms. My hope is that the next time you take off the dress, you’ll consider what it might really signify. Not the end of an experience, but rather the connecting bridge to becoming a more contented you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a feminine side, or in its expression. For me, that dress is a lifesaver. What is it for you when the dress comes off?

Be well, be happy, and be amazed by the little things that surround you…

Until next time,

 

Brina

EnFemme Style

More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

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Charlene Victoria
Active Member
5 months ago

Brina, very poignant article. You have well captured and expressed what so many of us have experienced. I so appreciate the contentment that I have come to know after pushing through the earlier stages of guilt and purge. I am me, a woman tasked with male responsibilities, by virtue of my male body. But having learned that I am more than what appears at first glance (at my male exterior) I have come to accept and embrace my feminine self. Now rather than hiding my true self I am on a quest to blend my true self to what others… Read more »

Krissy
Active Member
5 months ago

Wow great pics xx

Krissy
Active Member
5 months ago

I so love the houndtooth dress and top, I love that black and white pattern as its so classy and you look amazing in it. Ps any hints on where you got your heels from? They are to die for. Xx

Krissy
Active Member
5 months ago

I think most people have the on off moments when they first start off dressing as we do, then I found you become comfortable with the way you live and once you have got your head around that it’s not shameful and a vast percentage of everyday people experiment with wearing opposite genders clothes, myself I became happier and comfortable doing what I enjoy and love the way I am and I’m glad I stuck to it as there were times when I’d almost stopped but I just couldn’t find a good enough reason to and now I spend 98%… Read more »

Quinetta Harris
Member
5 months ago

This article spoke so clearly to me and of me . I am in the group where I can not come out much and when I am able to have my time I have to be very wise on how I spend it because I tend to not have that long. I am toying with the idea of maybe getting a room for the day so my time can be lengthened. I hate being bottled up and stashed away but I know it is a necessity in order for me to stay around. But stay around I will no mater… Read more »

Tara Jeane
Active Member
5 months ago

Perfect, Bri!! This is so relatable! I’m late to discovering my female side after she’d been put away for so many years. When I got to have my ‘best day ever’, leading up to it I was so excited I could barely sleep. During, I’ve never been happier. And right before the time came that I needed to remove my wig, I felt a melancholy that I’d never felt before. I knew I had to switch back to man mode, but she had never experienced life in this way before. The wig came off and the illusion was vanquished in… Read more »

Denise Parker
Member
5 months ago

Brina For me your timing to post your wonderful article on this subject could not be more perfect. In the last 10 days I have just come out to my wife and with the help of her and a psychologist I working on putting the shame and guilt about my dressing behind me. For varying reasons we all here have a female/feminine part to us. So as you say to be a complete person as well as all the male roles we play in our life we have to play the female role too. The overwhelming feeling I have when… Read more »

Rachael Winters
Rachael Winters
5 months ago

Looking so good, Sabrina. I’d say Iowa is about as open to crossdressers as my rural North Missouri.

Dawn Judson
Ambassador
Active Member
5 months ago

Wow, Brina! I could have authored that story. I have almost identical feelings except that, when I take off the dress, I feel like he’s removed my existence. My male & female sides are not intertwined. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It may sound schizophrenic, but I get jealous that he gets to exist when I don’t. I used to have that guilt & shame, too, but I overcame it with feelings of self-discovery & contentment. However, being my true self has its drawbacks. I remain Dawn just as long as I can.… Read more »

June
Trusted Member
5 months ago

Wonderful article, Brina!   Personally, I enjoyed the evocative trip so, I’ve revisited this article twice after my first read. You have captured, and vividly described, what I suspect is many of our sentiments, emotions, and experiences. I think those of us who have been at this for some time, as well as “newbies” to this phenomenon called cross dressing, will undoubtedly relate and benefit from your musing.   I enjoy reading your articles. I have related to everyone of them. Although, I rarely comment; they are so relevant and fun.   Thanks for sharing your experiences and introspection of this phenomenon… Read more »

Last edited 5 months ago by June
Alicia Pernelle
Baroness
Member
5 months ago

Such a truthfull article , Brina! Thamkyou !! Alicia xo

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