There is so much feeling put into the preparation of becoming the woman we envision. The excitement that builds as a certain time gets closer. It can be the world’s greatest distraction. The hands of the clock moving at a speed slower than snails on a glue trap… Many have the luxury to dress daily or frequently, while others must calculate, plan, adapt, and be ready for heartache when plans go awry for a special day.
So many have shared their stories, their personal excitement and successes. You can read about them in the article archives. I want to explore the feelings after the dress comes off, the makeup is removed, and our inner-woman is once again pushed down into the place we hide her.
My life is infinitely better for having my feminine side. Way back, it didn’t feel as such. The instant the dress came off, I might have tossed it, and the recently purchased shoes, into the trash. I would go through the shame, guilt, and futile promises of “never again.” It was as bi-polar as it could get. The buildup, the excitement, the living in the fog of the moment… and then… it ended. I’d hate myself, what I did, and what it meant to MY (perceived) life. It would take a while for the negativity to dissipate. And yet… I found myself better mentally after it did. I was happier and more settled, even focused on the tasks that I needed to do. But…
It wouldn’t be long before that itch pricked my brain, and I would spend waking and sleeping thoughts on when the next time would be. The plotting and planning to buy that next pair of high heels and what to wear with them. This cycle would continue over most of my younger adult life. It never “clicked” for me; that it was the gaps afterward that were the problem. Shutting out a very important part of myself created the tension that needed to be satiate. It took a divorce and another failed relationship to see that I was the ultimate problem in the equation.
Taking off the dress and putting/ tossing it away was a momentary pause to the bigger issue not addressed. I have a feminine side that is never going away. It can’t be eradicated, destroyed, convinced, challenged, or ignored. I didn’t know or understand it, but she did. And she is very persistent. Eventually, I came to understand why she is so important and to recognize that together as one, we are a much better individual. I still have my anxiety about what the world will think of me if she is exposed. Although, that feeling continues to be less threatening to me.
Today, I appreciate the opportunity to put on the dress, and I take special care when it is taken off. Reverently, I set it aside for the next time. Oh yes, I know there will be a next time and another one after that. I’m blessed in that I start most of my mornings giving way to my feminine side. It’s not about becoming passable (I rarely do makeup) or living off the pent up excitement dressing once meant to me. It is instead the bringing together of my particular unison. The exploration and the completion of myself. I can honestly say now that having to take off the dress is more likely to make me sad as I feel a greater pull toward my femininity these days. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like my male side; I just find more comfort and connection with my feminine self. This blend, this union, whatever you wish to make of it, it has helped me to find more peace within.
I hang up the dress, stow away the nylons, shoes, and wig until tomorrow. It’s rare that it is longer than a couple of days (only because the male world had a hook in me) before I am me again. Yes, me is wearing the dress, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Typing with my acrylic nails (sometimes extra-long) always makes me smile. Brushing the wig-hair out of my eyes and seeing the lip-gloss stains on my coffee cup feels right. I’m not acting, playing a role, or even trying to pretend; I’m just being me. I’m also me when the pants and guy clothes go on so that I may blend into the world and what it expects of me. Little does it know that I’m no longer an either-or.
Not only has my mindset adjusted, so has my body. The maleness smartly hacked away to offer more in conjunction with the feminine perception. My morning ritual would be more acquainted to womanly than manly. I still shave, only now to keep my face more neutral and less huntsman. My normal scent is citrus (shampoo and body wash), I use a neutral cologne, deodorant, and body lotion and have long stopped worrying if others notice. (They don’t care, and neither do I!) My jeans are women’s (men’s don’t fit right—but is that my perception, my feminine perception, or just a reality?) Who cares? I like the fit better, but I miss the deep front pockets… My natural nails are longer, the hair on my arms trimmed and shaved back, torso as well. I wear women’s underwear (I do keep a few male pairs around for guy trips—fishing.) Why do men like boxers? I never did… but is that my femininity at play? I can’t help but wonder how many men would give up their standardized clothes once they started wearing women’s attire? It just fits and feels so much better. Women are always right.
My wish for all of you is simple. I hope you find your own peace. We have a life to live, and sometimes it demands a certain obedience. The consequences can be harsh for not following procedures. I get it, and so do your sisters in arms. My hope is that the next time you take off the dress, you’ll consider what it might really signify. Not the end of an experience, but rather the connecting bridge to becoming a more contented you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a feminine side, or in its expression. For me, that dress is a lifesaver. What is it for you when the dress comes off?
Be well, be happy, and be amazed by the little things that surround you…
Until next time,
Brina
When the dress comes off, there is a let down. BUT, once I accepted my femininity those thoughts and feelings persisted even when the dress was off. A mindset was there. When the genie comes out of the bottle it can’t be put back. Once you know, confirm and accept your feminine side it is with you. When I am not wearing the dress the femininity is there in other ways. I still have the shaved legs and arms. I still wear ladies undergarments. I have gone to wearing ladies perfume full time even in drab. And I’ll wear ladies… Read more »
Very nicely said. I totally agree! Thanks for the comments and sharing 🙂
I’m sure you feel so much better ..
Brina, great article. I still feel that let down slightly but the thing for me is I am finding it harder and harder going back to male mode. It is something that I no longer feel much connection with. I do it as part of the life I am currently living though that has been changing albeit slowly. I still love wearing a dress, it gives great sense of peace and of course a smile.
Much love,
Michelle
Yes, I know exactly how you feel. It’s a big reason for some of the other changes that I do, the blending of both as much as I can. Feeling comfortable in not being one or the other (more than underdressing) by staying clean-shaven and smelling more feminine is a strong sedative when having to be male for long periods. Thanks for the comments! 🙂
I am just starting out and I fully identify with the feeling of calm and fullness when I get dressed. And afterwards, I feel like I have completed a circle in my life that I was missing. 🙂
Thank you for sharing! Sounds like you are well on your way to finding balance in your life! 🙂
This is such a wonderful article that hit oh so close to home. In my early stages I’d plan my times to dress and if those plans fell thru, the disappointment was all to real. Then I got to a point to where Debbie didnt worry as much what might transpire and started wearing more feminine clothing. I started buying only womans Jean’s and wear them everyday. At first I dredged being found out, but as time passed nobody ever mentioned anything about it. Now every morning after my shower, I use feminine body wash, deodorants and light body sent.… Read more »
Thank you for sharing. Lots of me in those comments, and I am willing to bet, many others, too! 🙂
Thank you for sharing. I love your story and I relate 100%! In my younger years, when I thought it was purely sexual, I went through the shame-purge-repeat cycle. However as I matured, and grew in my self-acceptance I found I loved that dress too much, and more importantly, I began to love myself exactly as I am. At 47… interestingly… I find self-love and acceptance has taken me much further than I ever expected with a connection between mind, body and heart that is so strong and peaceful. When I do my hair and makeup… and slip into Aimee…… Read more »
Very nicely worded. Thank you for sharing a deep part of yourself! You took the dress metaphor and expanded on it! 🙂
Lovely article, Brina. I was at that crossroad myself. Lisa was my saver once I realized that she was a dominating force that wasn’t going anywhere. I was always angry until it click. now I am more relaxed. Thank you for the read.
Thank you, too, Lisa for the comments! 🙂
I hate it when the dress comes off, but there is something about being a guy too that I enjoy. I love being a father, and now that children are grown and gone, I can look at them with satisfaction of having done what I think is a good job of raising them. they are fine adults any parent would be proud of. Through two failed marriages (one because of my dressing) I had the children with me, not mom. I tried the purging so many times, in a futile attempt to not to do what I did. Never worked,… Read more »
I think you speak for a lot of us! Thank you for sharing and the comments! 🙂
Hi Brina,
Thank you for taking the time sharing your feelings/thoughts. In so many ways I could have written this article. For goodness sakes, it’s like you were inside my head. I find it uncanny as to how many articles that I have read on this site that I find myself thinking “Those are my thoughts and feelings!".
Hugs,
Vanessa
The more we share, the better for all of us. Thanks, Vanessa. It’s why I started my column. It’s my way to put not only my feelings but those of many of us collectively, into what I hope is a fun and enlightening read! 🙂
Brina, this is such a great article. I identify 100%. It is such a great feeling to let her free. I too am now to the point where I do not worry about presenting myself as Tonya.
❤️ Tonya
Thanks for commenting, Tonya 🙂
This article describes me perfectly. I fight with Jasmine all the time to introduce her to my spouse..but haven’t yet due to rejection fears.
Btw, I want to save this article and eventually have my spouse read it..how do I save it?
Thanks for the comments! The article will be accessible on site in the archives. You can reach out to me by PM as well.
OMG! You and I have a bit in common! Nikki and I have those conversations as well, and we both agree that there is no way my wife could handle it… so we are still in negotiation as to how we work that out. It’s just funny that you put it that way, because Nikki feels like a totally different person inside me that I have arguments with as well lol.
Great comment, thank you for sharing.