Puzzled

It is very difficult to get any privacy when the house is full of kids coming and going, and your wife has a part time job. I used to look for CD content on the internet, and being an IT consultant, found it easy to cover my tracks. Although I wasn’t cross dressing, it wasn’t often out of my mind.

Then in 2016, I found the wonderful CDH. I signed up in January, but for some reason didn’t actually use the site until April that year. After reading some of the articles and features, I decided to re-open the subject with my wife. Using vodka to loosen my vocal cords, I brought the subject up, and in the next 3 weeks came out to my daughter, my mother and my sister.

In July, following a knee replacement operation for my wife, I have started talking to her about my habit again, and things look promising. My son is 22 with Asperger’s Syndrome, and I had been very frightened to tell him, but around the end of July, my wife told me that she had spoken to him about it. He was unbelievable. “You’re still my dad and I love you. You must do what you need to do.”

So, as of last weekend, everybody is covered. Unfortunately, the sweet shop isn’t open yet…

I am still deeply ashamed of cross dressing, and have spoken to a lot of girls here, all of whom assure me that there should be no shame, and I should get some therapy to gain “acceptance” of who and what I am. But I still feel kind of like….
I am a man… Men don’t do this… It is wrong…

I have tried to get some counselling from the NHS, and am still waiting for that to happen. I started walking, to lose some weight. 2 ½ miles Twice a day – 10,000 steps or so, and have lost around 35lbs. so far. Walking for an hour and twenty minutes gives you a lot of time to think, and for the last four months, I have run my situation through my mind time and time again. Apart from the shame & guilt which I suffer, I have identified another factor which I think maybe significant.

I have very low self-esteem / respect / confidence. I can pin this down to the age of 8 or 9 when an event – which I cannot remember, caused me to come to the conclusion that I must step back, and not be noticed.

I am a professional person, and have been working in IT for over 35 years. I think that if any of you dear readers were to meet me, you wouldn’t notice this side of my personality. I have hidden it, and covered it over with bravado, if you like. Deep inside – I’m still 8 years old. I can see where this has hindered my career, why I feel uncomfortable in certain situations, and why I am unable to talk out. The sad thing I have noticed about this condition is that it never allows you to feel that you belong.

I find in the chat room, that there are some conversations that I cannot take part in. This is not a matter of rudeness, but rather one of shyness or not having anything to add to the conversation. At this point, I will usually leave the room. I don’t think that this is uncommon. I also find that I have a lot of compassion, and really care about the girls that are here and are suffering, or fragile, and need some propping up – or encouragement. I like to think of CDH as somewhere we go to be nice to each other. I also sometimes feel like a fraud. A non-cross dressing cross dresser. What am I doing here?

In conclusion, I have a place here at CDH, I’m sure of it. I don’t seem to match the “average profile” (if there is one), but I’m doing my best. I love talking to you lot, and would always try and help you out. I enjoy your company, even if I find some subjects uncomfortable. I do fit in, I’m just not quite sure where. I hope that if you feel similar, you can find reassurance from this.

I am sorry, it is an awfully long time since I did “English Composition” – Technical Manuals I have written, but nothing that would need to be remotely interesting.

I hope that somebody finds something here that is helpful, and that with the support and yes – the love, I get from you ladies, things will work out for me. I don’t think I know where I fit in yet, but hey, I’m working on it.

 

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Married 30 years - 2 children - 2 dogs CD for 45 years - though I have issues. Lives near London UK

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39 Comments
  1. Lindy Roe 4 months ago

    Sue, you are correct, there is no such thing as an “average profile”. We are all different in many ways, but we all have that bond of being accepted by the world around us. There is no need of being ashamed of being a CD, as we were born this way. It takes courage to come out in this world. I also was shy when I joined. There was no way I would put my feelings in print before joining. It’s amazing what 10 days being with other people in the same boat will do.

  2. Angela 12 months ago

    Sue, what an amazing story! I see so much of myself in your article it is uncanny.
    Wife caught me so I am out to her. Of course she does not accept it like most people.
    Hang in there girl, your feelings are shared by many of us.
    Hugs and kisses, Angela

  3. Pinkie 1 year ago

    Sue you are a very amazing person and you have help me so much since I’ve come here I wish you the best in all you do and hope that you find yourself as to who you really are . I know the shame you suffer because I felt that way for many years before I finally came out. Yes I knew it was wrong and I couldn’t bring myself to dress unless I knew there was no way of being caught. God bless you Sue and Hopes for one day you do open up and blossom to your brightest.

  4. Krisy 1 year ago

    Hi Sue,

    What an amazing article, reflects a large part of my life. Low self esteem from early life, always putting myself last, career limited due to lack of confidence in my own ability, heck, I even work in IT!

    The big difference for me is the guilt issue. For years I have denied my CD and when recently starting to explore it was riddled with guilt and remorse afterwards. Counselling has got me a long way down the road to self acceptance. I started it through NHS for some serious bouts of depression. While the NHS helped a bit, I’ve only made real progress with a private counsellor so the time constraints are not there. It’s difficult to resolve these issues in 6 weeks.

    I am working with an amazing woman who does not specialise in tg, but is associated with a charity which allows flexibility in costs, it’s not easy but it helps so much.

    Krisy
    Xx

  5. Jenny1323 1 year ago

    Sue finaly found your article. And love it. Sue you are amazing love talking to you. You have been a big help in my journey. You are a great person.

  6. Jane Ingham 1 year ago

    Sue, just read your story, really hope to get to know you better, I have only come out to my wife in May this year, I think she is trying to accept it, but also tries to pretend it hasn’t happened. I love her to bits, so am conscious of letting how I feel about things come out very slowly, whilst at the same time wanting to actually move on much faster. Feel extremely guilty, she is a wonderful woman! Catch up soon gorgeous. Jane x

    • Author
      Sue 1 year ago

      Jane,
      Would love to be friends, would be a pleasure.

      See you soon
      Hugs
      Sue

  7. Julie Carson 1 year ago

    Sue Sue, hugs hunni. I am so glad I met you! Our chats, almost daily now, are so encouraging. You have really helped me know who I am. Time to fill our closets, no?
    Love,
    Julie

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