Puzzled

It is very difficult to get any privacy when the house is full of kids coming and going, and your wife has a part time job. I used to look for CD content on the internet, and being an IT consultant, found it easy to cover my tracks. Although I wasn’t cross dressing, it wasn’t often out of my mind.

Then in 2016, I found the wonderful CDH. I signed up in January, but for some reason didn’t actually use the site until April that year. After reading some of the articles and features, I decided to re-open the subject with my wife. Using vodka to loosen my vocal cords, I brought the subject up, and in the next 3 weeks came out to my daughter, my mother and my sister.

In July, following a knee replacement operation for my wife, I have started talking to her about my habit again, and things look promising. My son is 22 with Asperger’s Syndrome, and I had been very frightened to tell him, but around the end of July, my wife told me that she had spoken to him about it. He was unbelievable. “You’re still my dad and I love you. You must do what you need to do.”

So, as of last weekend, everybody is covered. Unfortunately, the sweet shop isn’t open yet…

I am still deeply ashamed of cross dressing, and have spoken to a lot of girls here, all of whom assure me that there should be no shame, and I should get some therapy to gain “acceptance” of who and what I am. But I still feel kind of like….
I am a man… Men don’t do this… It is wrong…

I have tried to get some counselling from the NHS, and am still waiting for that to happen. I started walking, to lose some weight. 2 ½ miles Twice a day – 10,000 steps or so, and have lost around 35lbs. so far. Walking for an hour and twenty minutes gives you a lot of time to think, and for the last four months, I have run my situation through my mind time and time again. Apart from the shame & guilt which I suffer, I have identified another factor which I think maybe significant.

I have very low self-esteem / respect / confidence. I can pin this down to the age of 8 or 9 when an event – which I cannot remember, caused me to come to the conclusion that I must step back, and not be noticed.

I am a professional person, and have been working in IT for over 35 years. I think that if any of you dear readers were to meet me, you wouldn’t notice this side of my personality. I have hidden it, and covered it over with bravado, if you like. Deep inside – I’m still 8 years old. I can see where this has hindered my career, why I feel uncomfortable in certain situations, and why I am unable to talk out. The sad thing I have noticed about this condition is that it never allows you to feel that you belong.

I find in the chat room, that there are some conversations that I cannot take part in. This is not a matter of rudeness, but rather one of shyness or not having anything to add to the conversation. At this point, I will usually leave the room. I don’t think that this is uncommon. I also find that I have a lot of compassion, and really care about the girls that are here and are suffering, or fragile, and need some propping up – or encouragement. I like to think of CDH as somewhere we go to be nice to each other. I also sometimes feel like a fraud. A non-cross dressing cross dresser. What am I doing here?

In conclusion, I have a place here at CDH, I’m sure of it. I don’t seem to match the “average profile” (if there is one), but I’m doing my best. I love talking to you lot, and would always try and help you out. I enjoy your company, even if I find some subjects uncomfortable. I do fit in, I’m just not quite sure where. I hope that if you feel similar, you can find reassurance from this.

I am sorry, it is an awfully long time since I did “English Composition” – Technical Manuals I have written, but nothing that would need to be remotely interesting.

I hope that somebody finds something here that is helpful, and that with the support and yes – the love, I get from you ladies, things will work out for me. I don’t think I know where I fit in yet, but hey, I’m working on it.

 

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Married 30 years – 2 children – 2 dogs CD for 45 years – though I have issues. Lives near London UK

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39 Comments
  1. Maxine Doos 2 years ago

    Hi Sue,
    Thanks so much for sharing your story.
    I’m not sure what the “average” profile is but I sure hope i don’t fit it either. I think one of the strengths of our community is that the members are so diverse. I can relate to much of what you have written and for the record I rarely dress these days but it is still inside as I’m sure it is with you. A fraud you are not.
    You are absolutely correct that you have a place here, our community is richer for your presence.
    Hugs, always,
    Maxine.

    • Sue 2 years ago

      Maxine,
      I don’t really know if these replies are supposed to be on a personal level – or more comments on the comments – so I’m gonna do what I want.
      Thank you so much for your comments, and your friendship and support.
      I never realised I was capable of producing something that would have a reaction like this, I guess over the years I have picked up a few skills from somewhere.
      I’m not gonna correct my correct spelling of realised on the line above – US dictionary – duh!!
      Seriously thank so much for your encouragement.
      Now that you’re editing articles, I really miss having you around in the chat room.

      Hugs
      Sue

  2. Sheryl Johnstone 2 years ago

    Nope. Definitely not. Never. You are not average. You are Super Sue and waaaayyyy above average.
    Thank you for putting us out of our misery by completing your story and yes I was surprised at the ending.
    Your daughter has the best advice you could have, “get some councelling to deal with the guilt bit.”
    You may be amazed at how, dealing with the guilt may affect your life, both professional and private.
    And, what have you to lose (other than the guilt).
    Your son is no slouch in the good advice department either. “You must do what YOU need to do.”

    Do you “belong” here? Too flamin right you do!!!!!!!!
    Like the corner piece of the jigsaw, you are holding up a whole side.
    Don’t think this is all beer and skittles hun, we can point out your failings too.
    One I’d like to particularly note is that you failed, miserably I might add, to “step back, and not be noticed.”
    We see you … and we love having you here.

    Your family is on board.
    You know, we are here.
    The sweet shop IS open.

    You, just have to open the door.
    Hugs
    Sheryl

    • Sue 2 years ago

      Sheryl,
      Thank you so much honey, I’m kinda speechless.
      I never realised how nice you Aussies were – Paul Hogan, Rolf Harris, Shane Warne, and even Barry Humphries just don’t do you justice.
      Actually – do you think Barry Humphries should join this site 🙂
      The article, I thought may be cathartic, but I never dreamed like this.
      Thank you soooo much for your love and encouragement, you’re such a special lady.

      I will take my stockinged foot and tip-toe into the sweet shop very soon.

      Hugs

      Sue

    • Maxine Doos 2 years ago

      Nice comment, Sheryl.
      Well said!

  3. Jesse Nicole(Smokey) 2 years ago

    Hey Sue…thanks for sharing..there are many of us here that feel as you do. I always enjoy talking to you in chat. I think if we didn’t have a way to communicate with each other things would be much worse for many members. See you soon in Chat!
    Hugsz
    Jesse

  4. Vera Jane Gonsalves 2 years ago

    Thank you Sue. You did pretty well in the “English composition” dept. And Thank you Maxine and Sheryl for the encouraging words and ‘confidence boosters”
    God bless you all.
    Vera Jane

  5. Sam 2 years ago

    Hi Sue,

    Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts here. I’ve not been on this website, or any other, for long (less than a week), and although I too started dressing as a child, I’ve only really got back to it 2 years ago when a long term relationship failed (my fault). I’ve never really fit in anywhere and live by myself now. I found a support group recently that has been truly amazing and so lovely to me but I still can’t get over the shame and guilt I feel and can’t really let myself go in any aspect of my life. So your words really resonated with me. I can’t thank you enough. It doesn’t hold any answers for me and how I could possibly reconcile my 2 halves, but it gives me comfort that I’m not alone and that there may be a way forward for me too.

    Sam

    • Sue 2 years ago

      Sam,

      Please find the courage to chat with me honey,
      I would really love to chat to you to find your angle on the situation.

      Maybe we could find a path that would be beneficial to us both.

      Hugs

      Sue

    • Maxine Doos 2 years ago

      There is a way forward, Sam and whilst we don’t profess to hold all the answers there are many wonderful ladies here who are all too willing to help lighten the load.
      Hugs,
      Maxine.

      • Sam 2 years ago

        Thanks Maxine, I appreciate that. I guess first I have to come to terms with who I am and to not feel so broken all of the time. Then maybe I can start to engage with others and really be able to hear the good advice they’re offering. Small steps (for this journey as well as when walking in heels!)

        Sam

  6. MacKenzie Alexandra 2 years ago

    Sue,
    Thanx for having the courage to share your journey. I’m not sure what average profile is, but your thoughts and concerns mirror my own. After having surpressed my feelings for 20 years, I have have only begun to understand how crossdressing is part of who I am. Reading your article shows that the issues which I am grappling are not unique. I wish thee well on thy journey and thank thee for the support thou has given me.
    MacKenzie

    • Sue 2 years ago

      Mackenzie,

      Thanks for your comments hon.
      That was kind of the purpose of writing this.

      You aren’t on your own.

      Hugs

      Sue

  7. Amanda 2 years ago

    Sue,
    I was right to think that the second part of your article was worth waiting for, because it is a wonderful, touching, self disclosure on your part. Sheryl is absolutely spot on in saying that all you need to do is ‘open the door’, and I really hope you will be able to do that very soon. And be clear on one thing, you shouldn’t feel like a fraud. You have a rightful place in being on CDH, and I certainly won’t forget the support you gave me earlier this year in connection with me coming out to my partner about my crossdressing. Also, the hug you gave me when we met was lovely!!! .

    Stay in touch, honey.

    Hugs

    Amanda

    • Sue 2 years ago

      Amanda,
      I still feel guilty about that hug honey – it was right outside your office – lol
      Thank you so much for your friendship and continued support.

      Hugs

      Sue

  8. Thanks for sharing your story Sue. Sounds like you are making good progress with your family – it’s wonderful that they have been accepting. And congrats on the weight loss!

    I can relate to your low self esteem issues. My father – bless him – was always about achieving and was a real perfectionist. Being the oldest and the only boy, guess who was saddled with “achieving”, and who became a terrible perfectionist himself? I just knew I was never good enough, and I grew up with a feeling of inadequacy and self loathing, which I have felt for all of my adult life until just recently.

    Just remember hun, first live for yourself and your own happiness; the people in your life who really love you won’t abandon you.

    April

    • Sue 2 years ago

      April,
      Thank you so much for your kind comments.
      We don’t chat as often as we once did, and I kinda miss that.

      Hugs

      Sue

  9. Kayla Jameson 2 years ago

    Thank you Sue. You’re article helped me.

    Kayla

    • Sue 2 years ago

      Kayla,
      Thanks for your comment Kayla – that’s why I wrote it.

      Hugs

      Sue

  10. JaneS 2 years ago

    Sue, years of social conditioning are difficult to overcome so the shame factor is a huge part of who we are. Despite what some people think, it’s not just a case of deciding to no longer be a crossdresser. We might stop wearing the attire but we cannot erase the desire. We can sometimes suppress the need, for years in some cases, but eventually we have to deal with it in some way. For most that’s accepting who we are. As you point out, sometimes those around us accept that easier than we do.

    Each of us follows our own path and no-one’s path is more or less ‘correct’ than anyone else’s.

    Thank you for an excellent article Sue.

  11. Abbie Simons 2 years ago

    Sue you know you are dearly loved by all of us hunny. your article made me cry and i hope you can find those questions in your life. Hugs Always…………………Abbie

    • Sue 2 years ago

      Abbie,
      You’re such a kind person, and I know you struggle with your own demons, I so hope that you find your own set of answers as well.
      I’m sorry that it made you cry.
      Hugs to you
      Sue

  12. Sherri King 2 years ago

    A very well written article Sue!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I guess we are all different when you say you feel guilt and shame you should try and realize that as Lady Gaga says, “I was born this way” Its not something you have a choce about and taking an asprin will not make it go away. If you can come to accept this, I would think it will help you find inner peace. As for understanding, I wish you luck, I have tried to all my life with no results, so gave up worrying about it.
    I do hope that you achieve happiness in your life !!!!
    Hugzzzzzzz

  13. Sallysim 2 years ago

    Hi Sue, thanks for sharing your story , I understand the guilt feeling you have, I was like that but the feelings go away eventually well mostly. I don’t get those feelings like I used to. Maybe it’s because I’m more open to people now and often wear nail polish all the time. I both my little fingers painted sparkly red at the moment. It’s just how I am some people laugh but most accept me, they just don’t know what’s coming next from me ha ha.
    See you in chat
    Hugs Sally xxx

  14. Samantha G..... 2 years ago

    Great article Sue !!!
    I think so many of us have felt those same feelings
    throughout the years.
    So glad you found us here, I’ve enjoyed chatting
    with you and all the great gals from around the world
    here.
    Hugs…..

  15. skippy1965(Cynthia) 2 years ago

    Sue,
    PLease don’t think I intentionally delayed on replying to your article. I was exhausted WEdnesday night and yesterday I was at the concert at DC. In fact I was disappointed at missing you in the chat room when I got back in town at 1:30AM my time ’cause I so wanted to share how well it went with you who have been such an encouragement in my life.

    I can so empathize with the feeling of wanting to remain in the background as I have always had a paralyzing shyness that has often held me back in social situations particularly as it is combined with my gender issues which I have hidden for so much of my life. I daresay that until this past year, no one in my life would have guessed my secret-being a crossdresser and possibly transgender-(with the exception of my ex-wife who discovered it while married, my kids-whom i told of my crossdressing after the divorce, and my counselor who I told everything to when my life seemed to be falling apart in 2011-12)(see the counseling article I wrote for details). I had come to terms with my need to crossdress in the last few years though not with the guilt I felt for being “weird” for lack of a better term and “guilt” for not being the masculine role model I thought my kids deserved.

    Then last fall I came across the CDH site. At that time it was only about 100 members, one of whom was Codille who befriended this poor lost soul and we just “clicked”. This was before the days of chat and ll our correspondence was through PMs. I opened up about all the mixed up feelings I had been feeling as I pondered why I felt the need to dress and came to the realization that for me , hiding in my home, grabbing a few fleeting hours of happiness dressing as Cyn was no longer enough for me. I needed to get out in the world and let Cyn show that she was more than the clothes but was an integral part of who I am as a whole. So I began to take steps to do just that.

    That fall the chat room began and I was finally able to “talk” directly with so many new friends who understood the feelings I was having. Though it began with the people like Codille who I had been PMing with, my circle of friends in the chat room quickly grew as well. The “old” crowd remained but I made many new acquaintances. Some nights there would be 20 or more people in the room and it was like being in a big cocktail party with many different conversations going on and other times there were only 2 or 3 and it was more like having 1 or 2 friends over for coffee or wine and getting truly intimate in conversations about life.

    Sue, you are one of those people with whom I have bared my soul in late night/overnight conversations about my life and where my future may lead. In fact just the other week, you and Donna B helped me through a time when I felt especially lost, helping me recenter my thoughts and realize that I need to no focus so much on he future as live in the present and experience life because we aren’t promised tomorrow and I don’t want to look back 10-20 years for now with regret at not having lived true to my inner soul. So I am doing my best to do that.

    Sue, I wish you could know just how important you are. your quiet but firm questioning forces one to confront our own fears and thoughts and decide how best to deal with them. I only wish I had your abilities to help others. You are a GREAT role model and I know I personally find a smile come to my face when you enter the room. So thank you for being there for me and all the rest of the girls here. Keep up the great work and please please let me know if here is anything I can do to help you feel more comfortable with being whomever you want to be.

    Cyn

  16. Tanya 2 years ago

    Wow, a great article Sue. From all the wonderful comments, it comes to light that you are truly loved and have a special talent for helping others overcome some of their fears. You ARE APPRECIATED hun, i particularly have grown to love you dearly. In time i pray that you will overcome your guilt feelings and experience the true freedom of just being who you meant to be.

    Love, light & peace.

    Tanya ⚘⚘⚘

  17. Jesse Nicole(Smokey) 2 years ago

    Sue you are a blessing to our little world. Being single and alone you are a special friend to me here. Sharing your thoughts always makes me feel a little less isolated . I cherish all my friends, without them Jesse probably would not exist except for a memory tucked away in my mind. Thankyou for being part of my life!

  18. Patty Michelle 2 years ago

    Sue,

    What do I say about your articles? I’ve known you for while now and have to say that I am glad you shared with everyone here who Sue is. Thank you for being you and thank you for being my friend. CDH is lucky to have you around. Hugs.

    NP!,
    Patty

  19. Nina 2 years ago

    Sue, it felt like you were writing about me there for a while! IT consultant, perfectionist and with a deep rooted need to be diplomatic and put my own needs at the bottom of the priority list. I too have recently contacted the Swedish version of the NHS and am getting help for my depression and will soon meet a lbtq specialist. I too need to dig into where my deep fear of moving out from the shadows come from and how to get rid of it.
    I am mostly a lurker here, I read a lot but write little. Please keep us posted on your progress, I am sure I will have a lot to learn from you.
    Hugs, Nina

  20. Lucinda 2 years ago

    i feel the same way, ashamed but that is part of being human. i dress up to be me for who i should of been. female. woman dress up in manly cloths all the time and think nothing of it. so men can dress up and think of nothing of it also. easier said then done, i know. but why cant us closet cross dressers come out and show how pretty we can look and be with out being ashamed? we have the figure of being a female so why not show it. my wife, daughter and 2nd oldest son knows dad dresses up but not like i really want to dress up all the time. i do when the daughter and the youngest are not home. for i love to dress up all pretty from head to toe and have my feminine side out for awhile. it is also a stress and depression release for me. most of all is being me. seeing a shell i say a shrink does not help. i had open heart surgery and was told to see a shrink, that did not help. its part of life. lost my mom and dad 3 years ago, i deal with it my way and it works. that is a cycle of life. for cross dressing its letting of feminine side out. i buy my own dresses, skirts, nylons, make up, perfume, jewelry, panties, pad, bras and body figure girdles. i have more female clothing then my wife does. for you to tell your family GOD bless you and your family for understanding, and acceptance.

  21. Julie Carson 2 years ago

    Sue Sue, hugs hunni. I am so glad I met you! Our chats, almost daily now, are so encouraging. You have really helped me know who I am. Time to fill our closets, no?
    Love,
    Julie

  22. Jane Ingham 1 year ago

    Sue, just read your story, really hope to get to know you better, I have only come out to my wife in May this year, I think she is trying to accept it, but also tries to pretend it hasn’t happened. I love her to bits, so am conscious of letting how I feel about things come out very slowly, whilst at the same time wanting to actually move on much faster. Feel extremely guilty, she is a wonderful woman! Catch up soon gorgeous. Jane x

    • Author
      Sue 1 year ago

      Jane,
      Would love to be friends, would be a pleasure.

      See you soon
      Hugs
      Sue

  23. Jenny1323 1 year ago

    Sue finaly found your article. And love it. Sue you are amazing love talking to you. You have been a big help in my journey. You are a great person.

  24. Krisy 1 year ago

    Hi Sue,

    What an amazing article, reflects a large part of my life. Low self esteem from early life, always putting myself last, career limited due to lack of confidence in my own ability, heck, I even work in IT!

    The big difference for me is the guilt issue. For years I have denied my CD and when recently starting to explore it was riddled with guilt and remorse afterwards. Counselling has got me a long way down the road to self acceptance. I started it through NHS for some serious bouts of depression. While the NHS helped a bit, I’ve only made real progress with a private counsellor so the time constraints are not there. It’s difficult to resolve these issues in 6 weeks.

    I am working with an amazing woman who does not specialise in tg, but is associated with a charity which allows flexibility in costs, it’s not easy but it helps so much.

    Krisy
    Xx

  25. Pinkie 1 year ago

    Sue you are a very amazing person and you have help me so much since I’ve come here I wish you the best in all you do and hope that you find yourself as to who you really are . I know the shame you suffer because I felt that way for many years before I finally came out. Yes I knew it was wrong and I couldn’t bring myself to dress unless I knew there was no way of being caught. God bless you Sue and Hopes for one day you do open up and blossom to your brightest.

  26. Angela 1 year ago

    Sue, what an amazing story! I see so much of myself in your article it is uncanny.
    Wife caught me so I am out to her. Of course she does not accept it like most people.
    Hang in there girl, your feelings are shared by many of us.
    Hugs and kisses, Angela

  27. Lindy Roe 7 months ago

    Sue, you are correct, there is no such thing as an “average profile”. We are all different in many ways, but we all have that bond of being accepted by the world around us. There is no need of being ashamed of being a CD, as we were born this way. It takes courage to come out in this world. I also was shy when I joined. There was no way I would put my feelings in print before joining. It’s amazing what 10 days being with other people in the same boat will do.

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