In my previous three articles Happy Surprises!, Halloween, The Night I Lost My Monster and What Drives Our Need To Be Out In Public? I addressed some happy and exciting events in my life. Until now.
As I’ve written before, I came out to my wife on Halloween Night 2019. She took a bit of time adjusting to the fact that I was a cross dresser then jumped on board wholeheartedly! She took me to Ulta and dropped a bundle of money on cosmetics that she said I would need. Her fashion advice helped me build a wardrobe and a shoe collection beyond my wildest dreams. She encouraged me to grow my hair and get my ears pierced. We went out shopping as girlfriends a few times and out to dinner on a day trip to a quaint little town in Central Florida called Mount Dora. She told me I was free to dress anytime while at home. My nails were kept polished, and I wore lipstick most every day. I confided in a dear female friend of ours (who is my scuba diving buddy) and she was totally cool with it. All in all, a CD’s dream!
I joined a CD/TG support group and she attended with me. Then COVID-19 hit, disrupting everybody’s plans. But it had no effect on my ability to be Kathryn at home daily. Like most women I know that were at home during the pandemic, my only nod to dressing was femme panties under my skinny jeans. And my hair got below my shoulders. The three of us – my wife, our friend, and I would sometimes get together for lunch and talk. Life continued to be good!
Then, on April 12th, the carriage turned back into a pumpkin. My wife and our friend were going to go out to lunch. My wife told me that “only REAL girls” are invited! I was shocked and thought she was making a joke. She proceeded to go off on me, saying she wanted her masculine husband back. She stared criticizing my jeans, my slippers, hair, earrings – you name it! I was crushed! I went into a deep depression and the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame that had followed me all of my life resurfaced! I sank into a dark place. Thoughts of purging, shutting down Kathryn altogether, and just general disgust. That evening, when she came back from her afternoon out, she apologized and said she never intended to hurt me. “Can’t we forget what happened today and go back to before?” she asked. How do you recover from that?
Since that time, I haven’t dressed at all, used no makeup and generally stayed in drab. Now, the very thought of dressing en femme is something I don’t think I can do without feeling like I have to look over my shoulder. I actually get a wave of something like nausea when I look at my cosmetic rack in our bathroom. It is a lousy place to be.
Any input would be appreciated, so feel free to respond.
Sincerely, Kathryn
I suspect your wife needed “her" time, as well as “husband" time.
Perhaps some self reflection is needed. How much husband time have you been giving. How much private time with her ftiends has your wife been having. How much male time are you spending with your friends.
I suspect often outbursts contain subconscious kernels of truth.
It sounds like your wife really liked having a new girlfriend to share all her girlly activities with. But does she miss the male side of you and having a ‘real man’ around at times?? It sounds like you need to talk with a counselor so you both understand what is going on in your own minds and what the other is thinking and needing from your relationship. . . It feels like you ran into a brick wall that appeared out of nowhere while you were running full speed. Good luck to the two of you and we are… Read more »
HI Kathryn Now you know where you stand with your wife. That is a a good thing. She does not considered you a real woman by her standards and by most GG.s standards. You were not born with the body of a female so society dictates you are not a real woman. That is our curse until we change our body to at least resemble a female body. Not even then will society accept you as a real woman It is what it is, so best to just accept who we are and move on. We can only try to… Read more »
Dear Kathryn, I suspect that part of the present situation for you both happened as a result of insufficient communication and discussion after you came out to your wife. Your disclosure was as groundbreaking for you as it was for your wife, only in two very different ways and with different impacts and effects. There are no guidelines, set of rules or training that we arrive with at this point in our lives if we should ever need or encounter it! Your wife likely dealt with the news in the best way that she could perceive it being fine for… Read more »
Dear Kathryn, You were hurt where you are most vulnerable: your relationship with your wife; and it will take time to recover. Perhaps, in your eagerness to be her girlfriend, you hovered around your wife’s other relationships a bit too much? Or perhaps, at the moment her outburst occurred, she was missing having her husband around. You don’t know, but you could ask. The Talk isn’t only for coming out speeches, and you will be miserable until you learn just where you stand in your relationship. FYI: My wife is fine with having Bettylou around almost full-time – but we… Read more »
Hi Katheryn, My S.O. gave me total acceptance and then changed. I felt what you are feeling. I didn’t dress for a long time. I felt like purging. I felt hurt and felt that if I dressed, I couldn’t trust that she would be o.k. with it, even though she said she was. I wouldn’t recommend purging even though that is our first reaction. Take your time, try to ease your guilt and shame feelings. I like to journal when I am going through upsets. Keep the communication open with your wife and when you are ready, ease back into… Read more »
Crosdressing can be a selfish thing if we let it. We must always (always) consider the feelings of others, those we love most of all. How are they feeling? My wife didnt marry a woman, she wants a man to hold and love her. Please try to understand her feelings, she must be a joy to you, and you dont want to lose her.
Oh, sweetie. I really feel for you on this one. It’s one thing to have the talk and be rejected but it’s probably worse to think everything is totally fine and have it all pulled out from underneath you. I am in a similar level of early acceptance from my wife. So far, things seem to be constantly improving. But I have also heard stories similar to yours and tread lightly. It’s also not practical for me to dress girlie at work even though I am totally out. So, my wife sees her masculine husband (albeit with fabulous nails and… Read more »
I feel your pain, Kathryn. I go through the same with my wife (although she’s never “jumped on board" to the level that your wife has). Her level of acceptance (or non-acceptance) changes like the wind. I, too, have been excluded from “real girls only" outings. She says that she has no need for me (Dawn) & just wants her husband. On Saturday, we were about to go to the store & she said, “but I don’t have a bra on." I said, “That’s OK. Neither do I." She went off on me, wanting to know why the conversation always… Read more »
In many ways I’m glad that you and others commenting feel the same upset that I experience when the goal posts or at least my perception of them changes. I too feel perhaps I should close Lisa down and go back to a simple life. Of course both you and I know how impossible that really is. Having had my hissy fit I find myself in the strange position for a trans person of telling myself to “grow a pair” . It’s not unreasonable that your partner might want some time with her friends without you tagging along. They re… Read more »