In my previous three articles Happy Surprises!, Halloween, The Night I Lost My Monster and What Drives Our Need To Be Out In Public? I addressed some happy and exciting events in my life. Until now.
As I’ve written before, I came out to my wife on Halloween Night 2019. She took a bit of time adjusting to the fact that I was a cross dresser then jumped on board wholeheartedly! She took me to Ulta and dropped a bundle of money on cosmetics that she said I would need. Her fashion advice helped me build a wardrobe and a shoe collection beyond my wildest dreams. She encouraged me to grow my hair and get my ears pierced. We went out shopping as girlfriends a few times and out to dinner on a day trip to a quaint little town in Central Florida called Mount Dora. She told me I was free to dress anytime while at home. My nails were kept polished, and I wore lipstick most every day. I confided in a dear female friend of ours (who is my scuba diving buddy) and she was totally cool with it. All in all, a CD’s dream!
I joined a CD/TG support group and she attended with me. Then COVID-19 hit, disrupting everybody’s plans. But it had no effect on my ability to be Kathryn at home daily. Like most women I know that were at home during the pandemic, my only nod to dressing was femme panties under my skinny jeans. And my hair got below my shoulders. The three of us – my wife, our friend, and I would sometimes get together for lunch and talk. Life continued to be good!
Then, on April 12th, the carriage turned back into a pumpkin. My wife and our friend were going to go out to lunch. My wife told me that “only REAL girls” are invited! I was shocked and thought she was making a joke. She proceeded to go off on me, saying she wanted her masculine husband back. She stared criticizing my jeans, my slippers, hair, earrings – you name it! I was crushed! I went into a deep depression and the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame that had followed me all of my life resurfaced! I sank into a dark place. Thoughts of purging, shutting down Kathryn altogether, and just general disgust. That evening, when she came back from her afternoon out, she apologized and said she never intended to hurt me. “Can’t we forget what happened today and go back to before?” she asked. How do you recover from that?
Since that time, I haven’t dressed at all, used no makeup and generally stayed in drab. Now, the very thought of dressing en femme is something I don’t think I can do without feeling like I have to look over my shoulder. I actually get a wave of something like nausea when I look at my cosmetic rack in our bathroom. It is a lousy place to be.
Any input would be appreciated, so feel free to respond.
Sincerely, Kathryn
Hey Kathryn, That’s rough. I’ve been through this. My wife’s feelings have gone back and forth, and have contributed to purges and a wide variety of feelings. Right now, we’re in a place where we let each other do what we want with respect and acceptance, but I don’t think we’ll ever get to the point you and your wife were (and hopefully will be). We’ve been out together, but she tolerates it rather than enjoys it. I know everyone feels differently about dressing up, but I find that moderation really helps with the marriage. If I dressed up all… Read more »
Sara, Very well said. The balance being feminine or masculine. I to provide/present the man my wife married but take some time for Tiffany. Most of the time at home I’m in male mode until the evening after my wife goes to bed and I sit watching UFC in my nightgown or pajamas in my recliner. We shop for female items for both her and myself in male mode. I would say about 90% of the time I am in male mode. But we talk about my CD’ing anytime. The conversations are so open. My wife would say, ‘I’m washing… Read more »
Great thoughts.
I would ask her what she was thinking and going through her head to say those hurtful things after she had whole heartedly jumped on board, support your dressing, encouraged it along with gave you all kinds of reassurance. Sad to say that the one comment, which was extremely hurtful, will takes lots of postives things to over come it. Will you forget it? No. It will always stay in the back of your mind.
Kathryn, we have talked about what you are going through and I know now much you are hurting. You were always there for me when my wife would suddenly change what she deemed as acceptable. I want o be here for you now. Hopefully others out there will have some advice that will help you through this rough time you are going through. Please remember you are a beautiful living person who only wants to be the person you know you are. I think your wife knows that and on that fateful day, when she came down on you, probably… Read more »
congratulations on the acceptance. I hope my wife is as accepting when I tell her.
But the throwback was not cool….i’m afraid that will happen to me as well.
Hello Kathryn, I really feel for you and have had a similar expereince, though not with my wife as I am now single. I started cross dressing a few years ago in my mature years and after a while it became much more than that, as I realised that I needed to be en femm pretty much the whole time. Lockdown and Covid restrictions facilitated this as I was able to go out dressed with a mask on and feel perfectly comfortable. Prior to all this I had been regularly dressing and putting on make-up whenever with my group of… Read more »
Hi Kathryn So sorry for your experience. I have a friend who is a single mother and performance artist. I told her about my dressing and how serious I am about performing onstage as female, and I was surprised at how rigid she was about a ‘biological reality’ as opposed to what she called ‘a feeling’. I wanted to argue that it’s more than just that. But it was clear things were going to get heated, so I dropped it. That aside, let’s face it-women can be really mean. If you’re going to be part of that world, I think… Read more »
I just went thru something like this a week ago. My SO more or less accused me of cultural misappropriation of being female. it was triggered by going out and doing actual work en femme twice in 2 weeks. My first time doing that, and some how it was a thing. Seem to work it through but no resolution or conclusion. I think it comes down to finding a tolerance point of how often you can be in femme mode they find ok, at least that they know about or see. part of an evolving situation. One way I worked… Read more »
It seems you progressed with your dressing very quickly, it has taken me a decade to find this kind of acceptance level with my wife. i would suggest just slowing things down a bit and measure her reaction based on that, best wishes Caroline
A lot of great observations and relatable stories here to glean from for married folks. I would add this thought that may, or may not, explain the outburst; I dated a nurse once, and she told me that when long term patients were close to being released, they would lash out at the staff. Up till then, they often would get very close and connected with the staff. When the patient was told they would be leaving soon, they turned on the staff, sometimes viciously. When I read your story, Kathryn, I thought of your wife’s sudden abandonment of you… Read more »
What do you think caused her change of attitude to go from being fully supportive to almost totally against your dressing up en femme? Was there some event that occurred that precipitated her change of heart on this? She went from being “all in" to being nearly “all out". Why do you suppose that developed that way? Saturation? Too much too quick? Needing her space? Missing her “man that she married" syndrome? Did it go further than her expectations? In other words, was she expecting a part time girl from you and you jumped in and wanted it more full… Read more »