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If you are like me, a lifetime crossdresser and transgender male to female, you have asked yourself this question MANY times. Who am I really? Am I happier as a guy or as a girl? If the answer to the question is ‘a girl’, “when did this start?” For me that happened in my early twenties. It has taken me forty years to accept that “yes, I am born biological male but prefer to present as female.” I am most comfortable in my female persona. When I am out in public at the store or wherever, I am always looking intently at other women my age and younger to see how they present themselves. Our task, ladies, is to blend in wherever and whenever, even when you only have 20 minutes to put on ALL your makeup and outfit and of course, press-on nails. The outfit is not complete without press-on nails that match your toes!
The intent for this article is to encourage you to embrace your womanhood. God does not make mistakes. He made us both perfect male and female. We are blessed to experience both dimensions. Yes, I say dimensions; you could say realms. It truly is a different realm at least for me to be in the female realm. It is a realm of beauty, compassion, feelings, meaningful conversations, shopping, affirmation, time alone to reflect and time to be out in public to experience presenting as a woman. Present with confidence. Love yourself. Be confident in who you are. You have taken the courage to explore this facet of your “being,” and like me, have spent countless hours trying to figure out skin routines, putting on makeup, wigs, shoes, and clothing, etc. I realize now that the most important aspect of my personality that can help me as a woman is confidence.
Yes, I am big, I am almost 6 feet and athletic build and around 235 lbs. I try to stay in shape, and I can even wear a sleeveless top with confidence. Just the other night, I was feeling rather feminine, so I took a shower, a close shave and dressed in my favorite black skort and sleeveless tank top and toe sandals and went to Walmart on a Friday night around 930 PM. I made sure my hoop earrings were not too over the top and that I could blend in.
So, I took “Little Red.” That is my wife’s car, a 2018 Ford Fusion, with an English Springer Spaniel license plate on the front so it is very conspicuous. This store is about 8 minutes from my house so I felt I should be safe and hopefully not run into anyone from my church. Yes, that is my conundrum. How do I continue to be a Catholic yet embrace this “alter-identity?” Wait, this is not an alter identity; this is ME!! Anyway, I just had a few items to pick up, so I strolled slowly down the aisle with my cart. The key is to walk even slower, especially when you have a larger frame.
I knew I was different in puberty but back in the 70s, the internet did not have the information and resources available to us. It is like we were in the dark and too embarrassed to talk about it. There were a few sites back then for crossdressers but nothing like Crossdresser Heaven (CDH). I know I was scared, confused as an early adult to understand that “these feelings of the ‘need’ to cross dress’” did not dissipate during my college years.
In retrospect, college was a very confusing time in my life. I knew I was not gay; however, I knew I was different. I could blend in with the guys. I was in a fraternity in college and had a few girlfriends, but still knew, “why does my life have to be so complicated with these weird feelings?” During breaks at home, I would always make time to dress as I had my “stash!”.
It is inescapable. To delve into both the male and female realm (and roles) is daunting. It is both a blessing and a curse. Lately, I am treating it more as a blessing, to discover my “true woman within.”
Since coming out to my wife again during Covid, she was very accepting and understanding, despite all her struggles and battles with chronic health conditions. She is my rock even though I am the primary caregiver. Each day, God gives me the strength to praise Him for her progress and the joy that we have together with our 10-month-old puppy Opie. All our kids are grown, and we are first-time grandparents so there is a lot to be thankful for.
Life is so busy but when I take time to write it brings me peace. Some people have music, I have my writing and most importantly, my reflection time, alone as Miss Hope. I am MOST happy when I look in the mirror when I am presenting. It can be early in the morning when I am still in my girl PJs and don my wig, lipstick, just a tinge of blush and venture onto the patio with my puppy Opie. I will have my coffee and listen to my Pandora Music on the Lauren Dagle Station. I love that girl. Her voice is so pure and angelic, along with Adele, two of my favorite female artists right now. I am also into listening to Lady Gaga. She is also butter, a bit out there but aren’t we all?
Everyone has something major to overcome. I know for me, contemplating 24/7 about transition and my bucket list for my female self is more exciting than my male bucket list. I think my most awesome female fantasy is taking off for a week, flying international to London en femme and staying for a week, as a female. There are boutiques that cater to us girls and can arrange a whole weekend around your experience.
I have never had a glamour shot but long for one…I battle skin issues daily and putting on makeup does not agree with my skin. My skin is very sensitive, just like me inside….OMG, I am sooooo girl….. I wish all the fathers out there (who are also ladies) a Happy Father’s Day as we are blessed to have wonderful spouses and children and extended family to feel blessed about.
It is my hope that each of us ladies can be comfortable in our own skin and to do so, first starts with accepting yourself for who you are. The Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways, and I am a firm believer that God does NOT make mistakes. As I have said before he “allows” us to explore our feminine side. This exploration phase takes on a whole other dimension when you realize that you are really a transgender MTF. Transgender people are about 5% of the population but it is growing, and boundaries are always expanding, so we are more accepted now.
Since this is Pride Month, I felt compelled to speak my “female piece (peace)”. This IS the real me. Have you ever looked at the obituaries when you read the paper and wonder what yours would say since you transitioned to a woman later in life like in your 60’s. To me it is both thrilling and scary. Am I hurting my loved ones by coming out as who I think is my “true self?”
Time is precious ladies, love your family, your neighbor, that stranger you encounter who needs help, and live each day to the fullest. It could be your last. Life is precious and short. Make every moment count. Most of all, continue to support those around you who have “put up with your ‘dilemma’” as my wife likes to categorize my situation. For me it is no dilemma. I am focused on how to achieve smooth skin a sexy curvy hairless body and experience life as a woman. Yes, I think about SRS. If you do, then it is a no-brainer honey!!
That is all for now girls but thanks for taking the time to read my article and I encourage you to think about the following three milestones:
- How old were you when you first thought that you are not a normal male, knew you were not gay but still something was off, and you LOVED to cross dress?
- As this phase transitioned into marriage and having a family, how did you cope and were you able to cope?
- When did you (or plan to) come out to your wife and family as a TG MTF?
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and the questions below it. If you have a few moments, I would love for you to either leave a comment or two in regards to my story or to answer one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above!
Sincerely, Hope
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and happy you have found your place in life with a supportive wife. I’ll try to answer your questions from my point of view. 1 – How old was I when I realized I was “not normal"? Ans- 5yrs old… maybe even younger. I had a desire to cross dress in my cousins pretty dresses. At that age I had no concept of being “straight" or “gay" but by puberty I just knew I was bisexual and acted on it with disastrous results. 2 – Getting married and having a family. Ans – I married… Read more »
Wonderful posting Hope. I wanted to answer your questions. 1 – I discovered at the early age of 8 that I was different. I want to be female, I felt female. Had for an 8 year old to know what he was experiencing, but years later it all starting to make sense to me. In my high school years a tended to hand with the girls and not so much with the guys. I wasn’t gay, just uncomfortable around them. To this day I still am. Since 8 I also had been checking out mom underwear and heels, I was… Read more »
Hope, your article is wonderful! I can relate in so many ways. Thank you so much for sharing that with us!
Hugs,
Holly
Hope, this is one of the best, most thoughtful articles I’ve read in a while! As for me, I started young. I was a preschooler when I first tried on my older sisters’ dance costumes and it grew from there. I instictively knew this is something I could share with NO ONE. I tolerated being a boy, but I just never really figured out how to do it well. I was as introverted as they come, and didn’t feel right trying to socialize with girls either. I’m apparently a few years oldedr than you, since I started college in the… Read more »
Brielle,
Thanks for sharing, I am sorry about your breakup. That had to be hard. My wife tells me “no transition during her lifetime!” But I want to go on HRT so bad. Oh well, I will take my daily doses of dressing at home and going out when I can!
I wish you success in your transition!
Hope
I understand. My wife initially said the same thing, then when I said HRT was necessary, she said there is room for only one vagina in our house. At the time, I said that wasn’t a problem. But lately… ?
Thank you Hope for opening your heart to us and sharing. 🙂 I was only 4 years old when I knew there was something different about me…I was supposed to be a girl! I did get married and managed to cope while raising my two kids, my late wife knew about, as she called it, my problem. I managed to keep it private. My first wife passed away after battling cancer, several years later I remarried. This past year I was dealing with gender dysphoria that was like a pressure cooker ready to blow. I had to ‘come out’, not… Read more »
Hope, I enjoyed your article and of course could relate to it especially the part where you are crossdressing in the morning. My wife sleeps late so that is my fun time to dress up – just as you do. But I do not have any special music as I am doing it. As for your questions – I started crossdressing at age 11. I would sneak around and wear my mother and later my sisters clothing. And of course, I had fun doing it. I grew to adulthood and would go thru phases where I would be crosdressing and… Read more »
Alice Black same here I just retired about a year and like Hope story we get identified as a young age 5/7 try mom’s garter belts silky nylons but no shoes yet until maybe in my 40’s I discovered walking in 2 in. heels never thought getting out the house or just trying to walk and the way to walk (still practicing) and every time I got the chance I take it my wife taking a shower going next door neighbors I will record myself walking,turning looking at my walking videos watching why hips helps walking (noticed pointing inner and… Read more »
Thank you for your empathy and support Auroras. I send it back to you as well. Alice
Hope, thank you for your article.
I knew around 8/9 years old that I identified more on the feminine side. I have been married 54 years and have 3 children and 12 grandchildren. I put away my feminine side all of those years to work and raise a family. Two years ago, I developed a very strong desire to crossdress and enjoy being feminine. I told my wife and we have struggled with it. But so far so good.
For me it was when I was 7 or 8. I have a vivid memory from then. Then in my early 20s I met a woman who was fascinated by this and she encouraged me to dress and played a big role. It was an incredible time. Then back to being a ‘male’ for the next 30 years. Now having some fun expressing my true self again. Have told 3 people and they have been very supportive.
Hope, I really enjoyed reading your article. Here are my thoughts to your questions…. “How old were you when you first thought that you are not a normal male, knew you were not gay but still something was off, and you LOVED to cross dress?” I would say it hit me at puberty around 13. This was in the 80’s for me. I have seen a lot of people say they knew at 4 or 5, but that wasn’t the case for me at all. I knew I liked girls but also didn’t understand why I wanted to dress like… Read more »
Hope,
Thank you for your insightful message. It’s nice to know that other people are like me–even if you’re more brave than I am. I’ve only just begun to really accept my feminine side recently, so your story is inspiring.
Peace and Love!
Veronica