Why am I transgender?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Why am I this way?” My journey has taken me from denial, through fear, into resolve and let me blossom into who I am at the end. Yet I can’t help wondering what life would be like if I were “normal”, whatever that means.

There are so many things that I wish were different, and some nights I lie awake pining for what so many other women take for granted – to experience the miracle of childbirth, to nurture a family and to live without my past.

It’s easier to see the tainted flowers of self rejection when we’re afraid to take the first step. Many years ago I shared a post by one of our readers and challenged you to accept yourself as you are. I urge you to take a moment to read her words. Even all these years later I’m still moved when she says:

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

Finally by avoiding who we are so others will believe us “normal” we start to become the character we have created for their eyes which only causes us more suffering as we see the distance to ourselves growing evermore.

I live every day as the person I am inside – she is my life and there is no other. I have accepted that I am different, but I have not yet accepted that even in overcoming my differences I will never be the same. At times I envy the women who are women and the men who are men – those who move through their day without giving gender a second thought, without having made immense sacrifices to align their gender and without struggling through the consequences of those sacrifices.

Do you accept yourself?

Where are you on the journey to self acceptance? Do you deny the woman inside, and try to suffocate her when she bravely dares to enter your world? Do you indulge her for a time, and then just as quickly purge any feminine belongings you once treasured? Or do you believe you have accepted yourself, and then discover that yet more roads branch out in front of you on the path to acceptance?

Take a moment to share a struggle you’ve had recently in accepting yourself, or perhaps a triumph that you recently had in loving who you are!

Before signing off today I’d like to take a moment to thank Gorgeous Hair Wigs for their perennial sponsorship of Crossdresser Heaven. Though they are ending their sponsorship this month they have played an important role in keeping us up and running these last few years. (They also offer a fabulous selection of high quality wigs that I encourage you to browse). This does mean we now have an opening for a sponsor. If you would like to sponsor and be featured on Crossdresser Heaven please reach out to me at vanessalaw1@gmail.com for more details.



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  1. Britney Rene 4 years ago

    I am not sure how to begin, but here goes. Looking back now I guess all the signs were there, but back then I wasn’t sure what “it” was. I remember a time, I must have been about 3, I got caught wearing a pair of my moms panties, by my parents. Being that young, I guess maybe I didn’t know any better, or did I ? So if I wasn’t already confused about myself already, what happened a couple of years later really didn’t help. Here’s where my story turns to the dark side. When I was between the ages of 5 and 7, I was forced to wear girl panties and bra while I was being sexually abused by my older male sibling and some of his male friends. once I got a little older, my Brother moved away and I buried all the shame and guilt deep down inside and continued to grow up as the teenager I guess I was expected to be. But then the feelings started to resurface when I started my first serious relationship with my girlfriend. As a weird twist of fate, we wore the same size clothes so every time I bought her something, I got me a little something, usually panties, but as with most teenage relationships, it ended. So I purged all my female clothes and moved on into adulthood. Then one day I was watching MTV as we all did, when they actually showed videos, the Motley Crue video for the song Same Old Situation came on and I remember sitting there and seeing one of the back up singers and I thought to myself I would really like to look like her, but my male side kind of took over again, I pushed that feeling deep down again and I moved on with my life. I did what guys are supposed to do, I got married, had a daughter, got divorced, got remarried, but this one stuck. Now we fast forward to about 5 years ago. By this point my female side and my male side had really started to battle it out in my head. I was angry all the time, I guess when you’ve been carrying around the baggage of the abuse, the wanting to crossdress and the gender identity issues that I have, its going to boil over at some point…and it did. I fell into depression, binge drinking and my wife never knew why. So I let it all out. She had a wide range of feelings and rightfully so. We talked for a long time over several months and she said that if I want to crossdress and express that side of me, she will support it. We go shopping together, she showed me some make up tips. I started seeing a therapist over a year ago for my anger and to help me deal with the issues of abuse, and its been great or so I thought. Going through therapy I started to realize that maybe crossdressing isn’t enough. I brought the gender identity issue up to my therapist and she told me that unfortunately she doesn’t have the proper background to help me with that issue. So again I pushed that back down inside but now I don’t know what to do. I still see her for my other issues and I am thinking of finding a therapist who specializes in gender issues but I am afraid what that might unlock. See for 46 years I have lived as a male. I’ve been married to my best friend for 21 years. We built a life together, own a home, nice cars, you know, the usual. But now the fight in my mind is getting worse. I know that my wife knows that I am struggling with it and she is scared, and I am too. I just don’t know if my happiness is worth losing it all and even worse hurting and losing my best friend, my wife. She says that she would always love me no matter what…she just couldn’t be with me any more. I don’t know what to do.
    I’m sorry for this comment being so long, I just needed to give the important details out, there is way more, but I tried to keep this as short as possible. Thanks for reading this.

    • rhonda 4 years ago

      Sorry about your best friend, I’m going to lose my church group if I come out that’s gonna be tuff to do

  2. Emma Mystique 3 years ago

    Why am I this way? I have asked myself this question more times than I can remember, asking myself am I gay, do I want to be a woman?? to be honest I am not sure any more. I find myself admiring what women are wearing more and more in the past few months, thinking what I would look like as them. But at the moment I still dont have the confidence to do most of the things my fellow sisters on this site are doing and have done. but given time I will get myslef sorted and whatever comes of it, I will always enjoy what I do and no one can take that away from me.

  3. Stefanie 3 years ago

    I think i was taken from the females in my life
    My grandmother and then when i moved in with my mom she gad 2 more children and they got the attention
    I started with hi heels then pantyhose
    Then nail polish
    Dresses panties bras
    Then i associated it with pornography
    And masturbation
    Then i was hooked
    Then it became stress relief

    Then I started asking questions
    Got confused
    But i think i ve figured it out

    I love women and love emulating them
    I m heterosexual
    Out to wife
    Underdress and womens jeans sweaters
    I m comfortable
    I accept that i like some feminine things but love my manhood

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