Why am I transgender?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Why am I this way?” My journey has taken me from denial, through fear, into resolve and let me blossom into who I am at the end. Yet I can’t help wondering what life would be like if I were “normal”, whatever that means.

There are so many things that I wish were different, and some nights I lie awake pining for what so many other women take for granted – to experience the miracle of childbirth, to nurture a family and to live without my past.

It’s easier to see the tainted flowers of self rejection when we’re afraid to take the first step. Many years ago I shared a post by one of our readers and challenged you to accept yourself as you are. I urge you to take a moment to read her words. Even all these years later I’m still moved when she says:

Finally by avoiding who we are so others will believe us “normal” we start to become the character we have created for their eyes which only causes us more suffering as we see the distance to ourselves growing evermore.

I live every day as the person I am inside – she is my life and there is no other. I have accepted that I am different, but I have not yet accepted that even in overcoming my differences I will never be the same. At times I envy the women who are women and the men who are men – those who move through their day without giving gender a second thought, without having made immense sacrifices to align their gender and without struggling through the consequences of those sacrifices.

Do you accept yourself?

Where are you on the journey to self acceptance? Do you deny the woman inside, and try to suffocate her when she bravely dares to enter your world? Do you indulge her for a time, and then just as quickly purge any feminine belongings you once treasured? Or do you believe you have accepted yourself, and then discover that yet more roads branch out in front of you on the path to acceptance?

Take a moment to share a struggle you’ve had recently in accepting yourself, or perhaps a triumph that you recently had in loving who you are!

Before signing off today I’d like to take a moment to thank Gorgeous Hair Wigs for their perennial sponsorship of Crossdresser Heaven. Though they are ending their sponsorship this month they have played an important role in keeping us up and running these last few years. (They also offer a fabulous selection of high quality wigs that I encourage you to browse). This does mean we now have an opening for a sponsor. If you would like to sponsor and be featured on Crossdresser Heaven please reach out to me at vanessalaw1@gmail.com for more details.



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5 years ago

A very interesting post Vanessa, thank you. It brings up an old issue that I have been grappling with for some time and am trying to write an essay/blog on it. The issue is: what is the gift of being transgendered……(and conversely what is the curse)? Would love to hear everybody’s take on this.

carryli servina
5 years ago

While I have cross dressed since I was 15, I about 5 years ago did the purge and tried to hide who I was. It was a struggle. Finally I went to my roommates and explained to them about it and they accepted it. As far as being transgendered I have never thought I was a woman trapped. I just enjoy getting all dressed up and I used to go out in public but I have since gained weight and have yet to do that since starting back up. I do have a interesting issue however. I live with a… Read more »

carryli servina
5 years ago

They why for me was as a child I was abused and after I worked through that trauma I figured out I liked the feeling of panties more then mens underwear and I started back up at 15 with a teddy and nylons and it was incredibule. I do have to disclose that I am also bi but have been married 3 times and all 3 wives were ok with my dressing. I slowly worked up from that one teddy til i purged to where I had over 30 different outfits. Now I am working way back up

carryli servina
5 years ago
Reply to  Vanessa Law

Not trying to push her into seeing me dressed. It was her idea to come with me to a therapy session to try to figure out her feelings. I take her support as a blessing and love the support she gives

5 years ago

Why am I this way, well that’s what I am, but the question should be why do I enjoy being that way so much. I feel so happy and fulfilled when I am being a sissy, dressed like a slut and doing what a sissy should do

Michelle Hart
5 years ago

I really don’t know how to answer either question. The “Why” has been a mystery since I was 5 and was caught laying in my little sister’s crib wearing her diaper praying that I could be called daughter. As to the question, “Do I Accept” myself, over the years I have grown to both love and hate myself for the confusion that I live with. My wife and daughters seem to accept me but I’ve recently found that they only accept me as a crossdresser as long as I stay in hiding from the rest of the world. What I… Read more »

Michelle Tuls
5 years ago

I am not sure why I am this way but I really love it. I have dressed since I was about 8, I am now 64.I have been mostly in the closet coming out about 10 years ago. I am still in the closet at work and other family members.My wife is supportive most of the time., she buys me tops and dresses once in a while and will go out for a ride in the car sometimes.Even some of her girlfriends know all about me. My work is very stressfull and I cant wait to get home to change.… Read more »

Felicia Brown
5 years ago

Me too love to chat…I am 70.

Teri Adventurous
5 years ago
Reply to  Felicia Brown

Hello Felicia! You look great!

Teri Adventurous
5 years ago

I don’t know why I enjoy it so much, but I do! I am like Michelle in as much as I can’t wait to get home and change. I am 60 and have been enthralled with woman’s clothing, especially lingerie(imagine that) since I was in my teens. I have been buying my own cloths for about 5 years now and I have a great collection of lingerie and slacks and such. I even purchased a very nice maids outfit which I wear when I clean the house. My wife is tolerant of my behavior although she thinks I am a… Read more »

Teri Adventurous
5 years ago

I have not considered being transgender, so I can’t help you there. I just love dressing up! Woman’s clothing is so much more interesting!

5 years ago

i don’t wonder why, I love looking like a woman. im in therapy now and in a month I go to start hrt, I have always wanted to be a woman in body and mind.

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