Before you tell me that you have no idea why you and I cross dress, please allow me to present some ideas I have developed over many decades while struggling with this topic.
What do I know? I know that cross dressing is ever-present and is experienced throughout the world. From the study of thousands of nearly identical life stories, I gleaned that this usually starts fairly early in life. I started at age 3 and from what I’ve read to date, cross dressing usually starts the very first time between the ages of 5 to 12. During these early periods of cross dressing, it is typically associated with some form of sexual arousal. Due to society’s general unacceptance of our thrill of cross dressing, we usually learn to feel ashamed or embarrassed and frequently don’t tell others we know who aren’t similar to us. For example, a fairly large portion of us didn’t tell our proposed spouses in advance (and kudos for those who did).
Psychoanalytic psychotherapy was entered by me and continued for 13 years at much financial and emotional expense and I endured the uninformed hypotheses of my analyst and the abusive use of the term “perversion” throughout my alleged “treatment.” All this is mentioned because all of it hasn’t stopped me from thinking of “WHY” I was so committed to this lifestyle. Attempting to feel less isolated, I also joined a number of groups such as CDI (Crossdressers International) in NYC and the Vanity Club dedicated to serving anyone who exhibited trans behavior and felt transgender in some fashion (pun intended).
During the course of my life, I also learned what is involved in the declared “conversion” of gay people (By the way, I don’t think it works and I strongly doubt it would help CD’s either). So, we are left with “WHY” are we crossdressers”
If you’ve ever studied homosexuality, you know that homosexuals don’t have a choice. They primarily know that they are attracted only or mostly to people of the same sex. Nothing succeeds in changing that irrevocably over the course of a lifetime – with very rare exceptions. Therefore, my strong belief is that something biological – either genetically born into someone and/or chemical – e.g. an individual choosing to expose to their self to female hormones, etc.) has happened to both homosexuals and transgender people. We may not have any choice usually with the exception of the individual choice I just noted above.
There is no possibility to overstate the importance of the effect others have on you. All one has to experience is just one transgender conference and the enormity of the effect will NEVER leave you the same. The power of being surrounded by others who are so similar is astonishing. For example, my experience at my first event was completely overpowering. I even met someone who lived near me and who ate in the same restaurants and was very committed as a transgender person. I was completely overwhelmed. We talked endlessly and my identity began to shift. Being exposed to a like individual opened up avenues and deepened my sense of femininity. All of a sudden, I was in a quandary. Am I seriously interested in transitioning or not? Given all that support and love, I considered becoming the woman inside me that I was acutely sensing. I entered therapy with a gender-knowledgeable therapist for a number of sessions and received her approval for undergoing transition. I oscillated between crossdressing (which seemed vulgar at the time) and giving in to the woman I sensed I was. Only when I differentiated how much my children meant to me and that I was their father and that I was imposing my desire onto them did my resolve falter. I also had to consider the serious possibility of needing to get a divorce from my mostly unaccepting wife, I came to the realization I needed to accept the limitations imposed by being a crossdresser. Incidentally, my dear friend wound up transitioning and divorcing his wife. In our last communication (unfortunately- because she felt we were no longer on the same wavelength), she indicated that she was doing well. I miss her desperately.
If this makes you feel less guilty and ashamed and makes you want to accept your predilections and preferences, so much the better. This website is designed especially for us. Live life to its fullest and learn to actually enjoy who you really are without having any feelings whatsoever of any guilt or shame!
- How old were you when you first tried on feminine clothing and was there a sexual arousal and/or relief assocaited with that very first time of cross dressing?
- Have you experienced feelings of shame or guilt associated with your thrill of cross dressing and have those feelings prevented you from coming out of the closet and revealing your desires to cross dress over the years?
- Have feelings of guilt and/or shame led you to purge all of your feminine clothing on one occasion or more and giving up your thrill of cross dressing for a period of time or giving up cross dressing in its entirety?
Girls, please feel free to take a few moments to respond to the writings in my article or to respond to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above.
With much love
Abby Lauren
More Articles by Abby Lauren
- The Odyssey: An Adventure in Disbelief
- The Trials and Tribulations of Buying Clothes From Chinese Companies Online
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Excellent! Enjoyed it. I love Israel, have visited there many times.
Hi Peggy Sue
What brings you to Israel so often? Because of COVID-19, I’ve stayed much longer at my home in FL this year but hope to go back to Israel within the next month.
It has been nearly two years this time, since our last visit to Israel, sadly. The virus will probably delay another visit for some time. We go with a church group, fascinating country and people. Often run into Americans who live in Israel. Every visit is like the Bible comes to life, right in front of you.
Hugs,
Peggy Sue
Hi Peggy Sue
I often feel exactly the same way. It’s the Bible coming alive right in front of me.
HI Abby, great article. I, like many here started very young’ at the age of 5 or 6 I tried on a pair of my mother nylons, in the family room in front of everybody. The feel was out of this world. In my late 20’s I was into CD very heavy,wearing pantys everyday and underdressing with pantyhose often. By the time I was 30 I gave up CD almost completely, at that time I purged every thing. Then I got Married and had 3 kids (this is the mane reason I will never consider doing any thing more than… Read more »
Thanks so much, Sandy. My wife is also unaccepting but grudgingly tolerant. Nevertheless, I have learned that this is an essential part of who I am and I look forward to being in touch with my friends.
Excellent article, and very true. I’m one of those who have made peace with feminine side, and now enjoy the ride without the guilt and shame I used to feel. Though, like most I started 12ish, I have never gone through the purge cycle like so many others here have. Early days there was a definite sexual thrill too. Then I gave up dressing for many years, and honestly never missed it, then in my 30’s I suppose I started trying on my wife’s undies from time to time. By that I mean 3-4 times a year, rounded out with… Read more »
Dear Amy
As you know, I completely share your feelings. I did purge once and when I decided to come back to CD’ing, one of my friends who got some of my clothes GAVE them back to me and I have continued this way ever since. Thanks for sharing your feelings. We’re all in this together. As you said."It is simply who we are."
Abby
Hi Abby Thank you for sharing your perspective and i agree with most of your thoughts on when it all starts for a lot of us. I do not remember sexual excitement beginning before puberty. I do remember feeling excitement and a sense of comfort that everything was right when I would borrow my sisters nite gowns to help me sleep. The sexual excitement started around 12 -13 and continued its intensity into my late teens. I do remember looking and finding affirmation from men mostly that i was pretty and attractive when i expressed my femininity at a local… Read more »
So true, Stephanie. I hope someone somewhere finds out exactly what has affected SO MANY of us that our stories are so similar. I probably won’t live to see it. In any case, I’ll continue to be Abby as long as I live.I won’t always express it because I don’t want to get divorced and pay severe consequences. I have been blessed with a sister who is now very up in years but accepted me fully for who I am. We went everywhere together and my friends at CDI adored her.
Thanks for your comments.
Love
Abby.
Fascinating stuff and all so true
Thanks for commenting.
Hi Abby I have just read your article and feel compelled to agree with you regarding what compels us to cross dress. When I was a baby ( so my mother tells me) I managed to find a full packet of her contraceptive pill which I promptly devoured ! I was rushed some time later to the hospital and had my stomach pumped. When I was three I threw a tantrum because I wanted to wear my cousins straw hat which was adorned with flowers. I didn’t stop till I got it. My mother tells me as a small child… Read more »
Dear Caroline
My wife is also unaccepting but I find places to go to where I can be Abby and have makeovers and wear all my pretty clothes. I used to store everything in a storage room but, now, have a lot of stuff in my house. My wife is somewhat upset but appreciates that I (mostly) don’t do anything in front of her.
Thanks for commenting
Warm regards
Abby
Wonderful story. I was maybe 4 the first time I cross dressed. I remember hiding in a closet with one of my sister’s dresses on. As I grew older, I use to play dress up with my sister. She always put mom’s dresses on over here clothes. I always took my clothes off and put on mom’s clothes. I loved the feel of the silky panties against my skin. I was hooked after that. My cross dressing is how my wife and I got together. 31 years together as a couple and married for 28 years. Still going strong. My… Read more »
Hi Dorothy
I’d LOVE to hear more about how you found such an accepting wife. Of course, I can’t change my wife but she’s grudgingly tolerant.
Hugs
Abby
Abby I really don’t know how I found such an accepting wife. I met my wife at work. The two of us had become friends. At the time the two of us were both married to other people. Even though both of our marriages were about to come to an end. My divorce was somewhat already in the process. My now wife and I would pal around with one another as friends and have lunch together at work. One day I told my friend all about my cross dressing over lunch. She had asked if she could see me dressed… Read more »
I am delighted for you. I only wish I could have even the slightest acceptance.
First of all I must say Abby you look absolutely stunning so beautiful.Im so happy for you.I started dressing in my mother’s lingerie when I was very young although they were too big for me.I hadn’t hit puberty so it was not a sexual thing.It felt normal and it felt right.I do believe as I’ve said in an earlier post of a slightly different topic I am a female in a mans body.Always felt that!Do i feel shame when I crossdress of course I do but that’s only natural cos like most of us girls out there we’re married with… Read more »
Hi Katie
I purged only once and, of course, regretted it. I found some of my stuff when a friend of mine, who had bought them, gave them back to me.
Tanks for telling me your story.
Hugs
Abby
Hi Abbey,
I think I may have started crossdressing late – I was eleven.
No guilt, perhaps a fear of being caught.
But now I have an understanding wife, I don’t own a shirt
or trousers or jacket. Just a wardrobe full of dresses that
I will probably not wear again and my style icons of pink
crop tops, spaghetti strap tops and jeans with the zip the
wrong way round. lol They fit!
You’re a lucky girl.
“How old were you when you first tried on feminine clothing and was there a sexual arousal and/or relief assocaited with that very first time of cross dressing?" I can’t remember when I first tried it. I do have a vague memory of my older sister helping dress me as a girl for a Halloween, maybe twice. “Have you experienced feelings of shame or guilt associated with your thrill of cross dressing and have those feelings prevented you from coming out of the closet and revealing your desires to cross dress over the years?" Absolutely! “Have… Read more »
Very much appreciate your responses
I have been away from this site for many weeks when I was seriously ill, hospitalised and underwent and undergoing all sorts of rehabilitative therapies to try to get better. I almost died but survived by holding onto a branch for dear life until I was miraculously found (see channel 10 news from H. Now I have an encephalopathy and am trying to get better but my mind is not normal. I have no short-term memory and my lovely singing voice is gone. My wife has a bad temper and is not empathic. Thank God my son is but he… Read more »
The channel 10 news is from South Florida- for the record.