Why have I waited so long?

It has seriously been priority on my mind this week as to why I have never actually came out or come clean. I come from a house that had a mother and no father, five sister’s who are all older than I. I’m the baby and only boy.

Yes, I was spoiled by my mom and at least three of my sister’s. I began getting into their things at 6 years of age and by the time I was 12 I could lay a beautiful even coat of foundation, concealer, do smokey eyes with my shadow, line my eyes and put mascara on in the dark with no mirror.

There is just much to say and I don’t want to bore any of you. So, getting right to it dressing become a regular almost everyday activity. I would stand in the mirror and admire the way I looked. My new look was preferred over that of a boy. I had convinced my mother a few years back that girls pants fit me better and no one would know. Same with pullovers and girls sneakers or boots. I would get harassed by kids at school and by the time I reached junior high school I was looked upon as being queer and a sissy that wore girls things. However, it didn’t detour what I wore at the least bit. I was beginning to question my sexuality myself when I would catch myself looking at some guy’s butt or crotch area and thing to myself they were cute or how I would love to see even more from them.

It was in the 70’s when guys had their hair down to their waist and platform heels were popular. So I got to have my way, long hair with highlight, platforms, girls pants and shirts and a girls ski jacket for the winter.  I wore what felt good and boy’s clothes were just too boring and drab. People did notice notice these things and I was on front street quite a bit. My own mother said one day when we were shopping for school clothes that I was looking more like another one of daughter’s than her son. In a big way I took it as a compliment but in another way for some reason it made me afraid. Why? When she said that I felt myself blushing for there were other people around us that that statement caught the attention of those close enough to hear it. A lady who was also there with her daughter kept watching me and soon I felt uneasy about even being there. Moments later when we in front the girls socks I put some in the basket and suddenly felt like everyone in the store was looking at me. As I look back on that day I know now that most of it was just in my head. My step dad would make remarks and call me queer and that I need to go get a job where the men work and act like men. My mother would get pissed and sometime I would exit the room leaving them arguing. Anytime I entered a room where he was I could feel his eye’s watching me and feel the dislike he had for me but neither did this detour the way I dressed and looked.

So you must be thinking I had to have been harassed at school, got grief from family members, and had people staring and mumbling among themselves all the time, your right but I got used to it and in a odd way began to relish in it. My sister told me one day that I was only imagining it, that no one knew I was a boy instead of a girl. I finally told my sister day that if I went anywhere with her I would have my makeup on and more and she was okay with that. I always knew I could trust her yet when I was wearing makeup in front of her I still felt a little awkward and she knew that. She tried many time of comforting me and would tell me everything was okay. But all of her words of confidence and encouragement still would not help me to feel comfortable. I was always thinking that maybe she had wanted her little brother to be athletic and have girlfriends that she could meet. I also thought that way when it came to my mother. How sad she must have felt knowing I would probably never be one of her children that would give her a grand child.

Okay, so in wrapping this novel up I wanted to express the fact that I am finally working towards being all the way out. Personally I think everyone knows, but doesn’t say any thing to me, for they are just waiting for me to do it on my own. Please if anyone made it through this topic and has had the similar experiences  please message me with any advice or direction towards coming out fully. “Why have I waited so long?”

I don’t want to be a full woman, I just want to be who  I am.

Thank you, Nikkolle.

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Jackie Wild

Jewelry Artisan, cocktail waitress, escort.
K gonna shorten this bio up a little. I get very long winded at times like this. I am Jackie, a X Dresser & Drag Queen. Been doing this steady since the age of 10. I went out for the first time as a Drag Queen when I was like 17 I think and loved it so much I made it my favorite thing to do and be. I dress to some degree everyday of the week. I don't think I own any male clothing anymore. I wear my makeup everyday sometimes more than less. I try lip syncing from time to time and usually try and do Brittany Spears or Lady Gaga songs. I have never belonged to such a cool site as CDH in my life but I'm really starting to love it and all the new friends I have made here. There is something mystifying and beautiful in Cross Dresser's, Drag Queens, Transgenders and similar lifestyles that I am truly amazed by. If our country were run by anyone with the same courage as that of a Cross Dresser, Drag Queen,Transgender or even Gay's we would for sure be in a better place. It takes allot of courage to be who we are and that I am grateful for.
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  1. Profile photo of Jackie Wild Author
    Jackie Wild 6 months ago

    I am grateful that so many of you find my biography or story inspirational. I believe there is such a commonality between all of us that it leads to the same or a very similar life story. Little have most of known at the beginning that what we were creating would creating our story or biography. Those precious moments when we stood in front of a mirror and fell in love with the way we looked and felt. The abundance of fears followed right behind that moment and special time which prevented us from exposing the truth about ourselves and our new discovery. Although my story may come across that exposing myself was easy for me I have to tell you that it hasn’t been so simple. Some of my loved ones and friends found out in ways I wish they hadn’t but I can’t go back in time to correct that or do it differently. As I explained to my mother, sister’s and others that it wasn’t like I just woke up one morning and decided to dress like a girl, act feminine and place myself in the position to be looked upon as some kind of freak show. There have been more than enough ugly comments from people in the past especially when I was still in school to last a lifetime. But the awesome point I’m willing to stay proud of is that I made through and I continue to do that. They say what don’t kill us or harm us makes us stronger and I believe that wholeheartedly. The CDH community that has been created for our purpose in life is something to treasure and be a part of. Here we meet others that have went through the same and shared the same fear’s in life. And for those that are just beginning to leave the nest so to speak I can tell you on a personal level that by believing in yourselves and standing your ground it gets better believe me. There will always be some amount of prejudice from our society we live in because it’s just kind of world. However, the world has changed dramatically since the time I first discovered myself. It’s a long time battle, maybe even could be considered as the longest battle ever to be accepted for who we are but we are winning and we will continue to evolve. Blessings, Jackie Wild:)

  2. Profile photo of Pinkie
    Pinkie 6 months ago

    Hello Nikkolle while my story is totally different I do love your and would be very happy to be friends. You go girl I was the youngest boy in a step brother/step sister family 5 boys 5 girls but actually Had 1 half brother (who knows) and 1 sister (who knows) none of the step family know no contact with any of them and it was hard for me never had those advantages you had with your sister.

  3. Profile photo of Darcy Bainsley
    Darcy Bainsley 8 months ago

    Love the story Nikkolle, what you describe here about being who you are is a very important message to those who are struggling to find that societal label that fits who they are. I think the reason this hit home with me is that, I’m not sure that I want to become a woman, I’m not sure where or how I fit in, but I certainly do love being me. That right now is most important.

  4. Pegy Lindenwalds 8 months ago

    Time has forgot me I am so old, if you dressed in my day you landed in jail or worse. I still dress now and then to remember what it was like. All you lucky girls, have a great beautiful life.

    Love you all

    Pegy Love

  5. Pegy Lindenwalds 8 months ago

    Pegy Lindenwald

  6. Profile photo of
    Breeann Jacobs 8 months ago

    Thank you for sharing Nikkolle, you give me hope that one day soon I can at least tell some of my family that I’m a crossdresser you are such an inspiration. I hope you continue to post of your journey

    Hugs

    Breeann

  7. Profile photo of Jessica Hiver
    Jessica Hiver 8 months ago

    Thank you for sharing, Nikkolle. I think you are brave. What a life story. I hope to hear more!

  8. Profile photo of Erin Gurly
    Erin Gurly 8 months ago

    Nikkolle – You are an inspiration to others. Thank you — for sharing such intimate parts of your life.

    Young or old —the challenge is the same – working to be true to you – there are challenges that we need to work through and should never lose sight of the goal. Your determination to let Nikkolle be more of you has done just that – be true – be yourself – be happy.

    This story provides encouragement on anyone’s journey forward.

  9. Profile photo of JaneS
    JaneS 8 months ago

    Thank you Nikkolle for sharing a part of your life with us. I’m sure there will be members who will have had experiences that are similar to some of yours. The acceptance you have from your mother and sisters is all that counts.

    One of the messages from CDH is that we all have a right to be who we are and who we wish to be. Coming out to those around us isn’t always easy but sometimes it turns out to be easier than trying to hide a part of us.

    Continue to enjoy expressing who you are. You provide inspiration and encouragement for others to do the same.

    • Profile photo of Jackie Wild
      Jackie Wild 8 months ago

      A huge thank you goes out to anyone who read my story. I have striven and struggled through allot of my life to become and stay Nikkolle. I know we all have and I think it goes without saying for all of us, “fight the good fight every moment” I love this site and want to contribute to it as much as I possibly can each time I’m here. I am very grateful that it is here in all it’s beauty. Thank you, Nikkolle.

      • Stacey S 8 months ago

        Hi Nikkolle, I just loved your story I am an older Cross Dresser and only a few of my closest friends know it. I, have been out dressed a couple of times and I am gay also which I knew but hid it for many years from myself also. Thank you for you in sight to all of us. Looking for any other inspirations from you also.
        Hugs,
        Stacey S

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