Why have I waited so long?

It has seriously been priority on my mind this week as to why I have never actually came out or come clean. I come from a house that had a mother and no father, five sister’s who are all older than I. I’m the baby and only boy.

Yes, I was spoiled by my mom and at least three of my sister’s. I began getting into their things at 6 years of age and by the time I was 12 I could lay a beautiful even coat of foundation, concealer, do smokey eyes with my shadow, line my eyes and put mascara on in the dark with no mirror.

There is just much to say and I don’t want to bore any of you. So, getting right to it dressing become a regular almost everyday activity. I would stand in the mirror and admire the way I looked. My new look was preferred over that of a boy. I had convinced my mother a few years back that girls pants fit me better and no one would know. Same with pullovers and girls sneakers or boots. I would get harassed by kids at school and by the time I reached junior high school I was looked upon as being queer and a sissy that wore girls things. However, it didn’t detour what I wore at the least bit. I was beginning to question my sexuality myself when I would catch myself looking at some guy’s butt or crotch area and thing to myself they were cute or how I would love to see even more from them.

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

It was in the 70’s when guys had their hair down to their waist and platform heels were popular. So I got to have my way, long hair with highlight, platforms, girls pants and shirts and a girls ski jacket for the winter.  I wore what felt good and boy’s clothes were just too boring and drab. People did notice notice these things and I was on front street quite a bit. My own mother said one day when we were shopping for school clothes that I was looking more like another one of daughter’s than her son. In a big way I took it as a compliment but in another way for some reason it made me afraid. Why? When she said that I felt myself blushing for there were other people around us that that statement caught the attention of those close enough to hear it. A lady who was also there with her daughter kept watching me and soon I felt uneasy about even being there. Moments later when we in front the girls socks I put some in the basket and suddenly felt like everyone in the store was looking at me. As I look back on that day I know now that most of it was just in my head. My step dad would make remarks and call me queer and that I need to go get a job where the men work and act like men. My mother would get pissed and sometime I would exit the room leaving them arguing. Anytime I entered a room where he was I could feel his eye’s watching me and feel the dislike he had for me but neither did this detour the way I dressed and looked.

So you must be thinking I had to have been harassed at school, got grief from family members, and had people staring and mumbling among themselves all the time, your right but I got used to it and in a odd way began to relish in it. My sister told me one day that I was only imagining it, that no one knew I was a boy instead of a girl. I finally told my sister day that if I went anywhere with her I would have my makeup on and more and she was okay with that. I always knew I could trust her yet when I was wearing makeup in front of her I still felt a little awkward and she knew that. She tried many time of comforting me and would tell me everything was okay. But all of her words of confidence and encouragement still would not help me to feel comfortable. I was always thinking that maybe she had wanted her little brother to be athletic and have girlfriends that she could meet. I also thought that way when it came to my mother. How sad she must have felt knowing I would probably never be one of her children that would give her a grand child.

Okay, so in wrapping this novel up I wanted to express the fact that I am finally working towards being all the way out. Personally I think everyone knows, but doesn’t say any thing to me, for they are just waiting for me to do it on my own. Please if anyone made it through this topic and has had the similar experiences  please message me with any advice or direction towards coming out fully. “Why have I waited so long?”

I don’t want to be a full woman, I just want to be who  I am.

Thank you, Nikkolle.

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Jackie

Jewelry Artisan, cocktail waitress, part time escort. at Emerald Club, Shuckeys Club
Hello I’m Jackie. I had a pretty long bio and decided to shorten it up. Most of you here at CDH know me, those of you who are new to CDH I say hello to you and welcome to a family you won’t know elsewhere. Been a full time 24/7 cross dresser (I hate that stereotype term) and I do drag. I love to talk so should you feel the need just hit me up, I’m here, Jackie (Wild Child).....

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julieta nava
Member

muy hermosa historia me encanto lo que dices , sobre ser quien quieres ser eso es lo mejor yo mucho tiempo quería ser vista como una mujer y cuando salía a la calle pensaba que todo mundo me veía y cosas así pero en realidad pasaba desapercibida solo que alguien me viera muy bien se daba cuenta y de esa manera me dia cuenta que la gente se acostumbra a verte como eres. y tu eres seguramente muy linda.

Dame Veronica Graunwolf
Member

Hello Jackie. What a lovely story you have told. Such courage, strength and perseverance.
You are truly a role model for the rest of us.

Love….

Lady Veronica

Betyho hada
Member

A really nice story. It’s almost like my life. I do not want surgery anymore and the whole sex change. I’m too old. My wife accepted me as I am, just that I want from the neighborhood. Then I’ll be happy. I wish many luck.

Georgina Babe
Member

Would love to live in a world without any preconceptions.

Pinkie
Member

Hello Nikkolle while my story is totally different I do love your and would be very happy to be friends. You go girl I was the youngest boy in a step brother/step sister family 5 boys 5 girls but actually Had 1 half brother (who knows) and 1 sister (who knows) none of the step family know no contact with any of them and it was hard for me never had those advantages you had with your sister.

Darcy Bainsley
Member

Love the story Nikkolle, what you describe here about being who you are is a very important message to those who are struggling to find that societal label that fits who they are. I think the reason this hit home with me is that, I’m not sure that I want to become a woman, I’m not sure where or how I fit in, but I certainly do love being me. That right now is most important.

Pegy Lindenwalds
Guest
Pegy Lindenwalds

Time has forgot me I am so old, if you dressed in my day you landed in jail or worse. I still dress now and then to remember what it was like. All you lucky girls, have a great beautiful life. Love you all Pegy Love

Pegy Lindenwalds
Guest
Pegy Lindenwalds

Pegy Lindenwald

Breeann Jacobs
Guest
Breeann Jacobs

Thank you for sharing Nikkolle, you give me hope that one day soon I can at least tell some of my family that I’m a crossdresser you are such an inspiration. I hope you continue to post of your journey

Hugs

Breeann

Jessica Hiver
Member

Thank you for sharing, Nikkolle. I think you are brave. What a life story. I hope to hear more!

Erin Gurly
Member

Nikkolle – You are an inspiration to others. Thank you — for sharing such intimate parts of your life.

Young or old —the challenge is the same – working to be true to you – there are challenges that we need to work through and should never lose sight of the goal. Your determination to let Nikkolle be more of you has done just that – be true – be yourself – be happy.

This story provides encouragement on anyone’s journey forward.

JaneS
Guest
JaneS

Thank you Nikkolle for sharing a part of your life with us. I’m sure there will be members who will have had experiences that are similar to some of yours. The acceptance you have from your mother and sisters is all that counts. One of the messages from CDH is that we all have a right to be who we are and who we wish to be. Coming out to those around us isn’t always easy but sometimes it turns out to be easier than trying to hide a part of us. Continue to enjoy expressing who you are. You… Read more »

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