It has seriously been priority on my mind this week as to why I have never actually came out or come clean. I come from a house that had a mother and no father, five sister’s who are all older than I. I’m the baby and only boy.
Yes, I was spoiled by my mom and at least three of my sister’s. I began getting into their things at 6 years of age and by the time I was 12 I could lay a beautiful even coat of foundation, concealer, do smokey eyes with my shadow, line my eyes and put mascara on in the dark with no mirror.
There is just much to say and I don’t want to bore any of you. So, getting right to it dressing become a regular almost everyday activity. I would stand in the mirror and admire the way I looked. My new look was preferred over that of a boy. I had convinced my mother a few years back that girls pants fit me better and no one would know. Same with pullovers and girls sneakers or boots. I would get harassed by kids at school and by the time I reached junior high school I was looked upon as being queer and a sissy that wore girls things. However, it didn’t detour what I wore at the least bit. I was beginning to question my sexuality myself when I would catch myself looking at some guy’s butt or crotch area and thing to myself they were cute or how I would love to see even more from them.
It was in the 70’s when guys had their hair down to their waist and platform heels were popular. So I got to have my way, long hair with highlight, platforms, girls pants and shirts and a girls ski jacket for the winter. I wore what felt good and boy’s clothes were just too boring and drab. People did notice notice these things and I was on front street quite a bit. My own mother said one day when we were shopping for school clothes that I was looking more like another one of daughter’s than her son. In a big way I took it as a compliment but in another way for some reason it made me afraid. Why? When she said that I felt myself blushing for there were other people around us that that statement caught the attention of those close enough to hear it. A lady who was also there with her daughter kept watching me and soon I felt uneasy about even being there. Moments later when we in front the girls socks I put some in the basket and suddenly felt like everyone in the store was looking at me. As I look back on that day I know now that most of it was just in my head. My step dad would make remarks and call me queer and that I need to go get a job where the men work and act like men. My mother would get pissed and sometime I would exit the room leaving them arguing. Anytime I entered a room where he was I could feel his eye’s watching me and feel the dislike he had for me but neither did this detour the way I dressed and looked.
So you must be thinking I had to have been harassed at school, got grief from family members, and had people staring and mumbling among themselves all the time, your right but I got used to it and in a odd way began to relish in it. My sister told me one day that I was only imagining it, that no one knew I was a boy instead of a girl. I finally told my sister day that if I went anywhere with her I would have my makeup on and more and she was okay with that. I always knew I could trust her yet when I was wearing makeup in front of her I still felt a little awkward and she knew that. She tried many time of comforting me and would tell me everything was okay. But all of her words of confidence and encouragement still would not help me to feel comfortable. I was always thinking that maybe she had wanted her little brother to be athletic and have girlfriends that she could meet. I also thought that way when it came to my mother. How sad she must have felt knowing I would probably never be one of her children that would give her a grand child.
Okay, so in wrapping this novel up I wanted to express the fact that I am finally working towards being all the way out. Personally I think everyone knows, but doesn’t say any thing to me, for they are just waiting for me to do it on my own. Please if anyone made it through this topic and has had the similar experiences please message me with any advice or direction towards coming out fully. “Why have I waited so long?”
I don’t want to be a full woman, I just want to be who I am.
Thank you, Nikkolle.