I’m Jackie. Some knew me as Nikkole before deciding to change my name to Jackie. This article is quite old but I felt it needed like a update so here goes.

I was the youngest child of six and the only boy. That’s right I had five sister’s and only a mother no father thank God. If I’d had one I probably wouldn’t have his favorite kid or got away with all the stuff I got away with. In fact it would have most likely put a real damper or strain on my extracurricular activities like let’s say “cross dressing.” As with many I began trying my hand at makeup when I was 10 then onto my sisters clothes, heels and other things. At 6 years old I was into they’re things all the time. But it wasn’t until age 10 that I actually began using them.

Yes, I was spoiled by my mother and at least three of my sister’s. I could get away with almost anything. When I had a problem or trouble with one of my sisters I would run to my mother and either be told to quit pissing them off and when trouble arose with my mother I would go running to one of my sister who would in turn get into it with my mother so it was back and fourth till some kind of answer I wanted to hear was put in place.

There is just so much to say and I don’t want to bore any of you. So, getting right to it dressing become a regular almost everyday activity. I would stand in the mirror and admire the way I looked. My new look was preferred over that of a boy. I had convinced my mother a few years back that girls pants fit me better and no one would know. Same with pullovers and girls sneakers or boots. I would get harassed by kids at school and by the time I reached junior high school I was looked upon as being queer and a sissy that wore girls things. However, it didn’t detour what I wore at the least bit. I was beginning to question my sexuality myself at 15 or so when I would catch myself looking at some guy’s butt or crotch area and think to myself they were cute or how I would love to see even more from them.

It was in the 70’s when guys had their hair down to their waist and platform heels were popular. So I got to have my way, long hair with highlight, platforms, girls pants and shirts and a girls ski jacket for the winter.  I wore what felt good and boy’s clothes were just too boring and drab. People did notice these things and I was on front street quite a bit. My own mother said one day when we were shopping for school clothes that I was looking more like another one of her daughter’s than her son. In a big way I took it as a compliment but in another way for some reason it made me afraid. Why? When she said that I felt myself blushing for there were other people around us that the statement caught the attention of those close enough to hear it. A lady who was also there with her daughter kept watching me and soon I felt uneasy about even being there. Moments later when we were in front of the girls socks I put some in the basket and suddenly felt like everyone in the store was looking at me. As I look back on that day I know now that most of it was just in my head. My step dad would make remarks and call me queer and that I need to go get a job where the men work and act like a little man instead of a girl. My mother would get pissed and sometime I would exit the room leaving them arguing. Anytime I entered a room where he was I could feel his eye’s watching me and feel the dislike he had for me but neither did this detour the way I dressed and looked either.

So you must be thinking I had to have been harassed at school, got grief from family members, and had people staring and mumbling among themselves all the time, your right but I got used to it and in a odd way began to relish in it. My sister told me one day that I was only imagining it, that no one knew I was a boy instead of a girl. I finally told my sister one day that if I went anywhere with her I would have my makeup on and more and she was okay with that. I always knew I could trust her yet when I was wearing makeup in front of her I still felt a little awkward and she knew that. She tried many times of comforting me and would tell me everything was okay. But all of her words of confidence and encouragement still would not help me to feel comfortable. I was always thinking that maybe she had wanted her little brother to be athletic and have girlfriends that she could meet. I also thought that way when it came to my mother. How sad she must have felt knowing I would probably never be one of her children that would give her a grand child.

Okay, so in wrapping this novel up I want to express that though my story may sound like a cross dresser’s dream and it appears that it was easy getting through it I want to let it be known that parts of it were actually troublesome. Personally I think everyone knew what I did and who I was becoming but other than the occasional remarks no one really ever said anything except my sister who I came out to of being a cross dresser, gay and later on a drag queen. That was just after I turned 17. I’m now in my 50’s. Throughout time people have asked me if I could go back in time and change anything I simply reply with a confident answer NO, nothing!

I don’t want to be a full woman, I just want to be who  I am.

Thank you for bearing with me I tend to get a little long winded (just like all girls do), Jackie Wild.

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Jackie

Jewelry Artisan, cocktail waitress, part time escort. at Emerald Club, Shuckeys Club
Very simple yet at times complicated but I always prevail. I have been out since the young young age of 17, both CD, Drag and sexual orientation. My mother kind of figured out allot of it before I came clean one morning. I love drag, I don't really perform like so many queens do, I guess unless you piss me off I'm pretty silent. Been in only two serious relationships and loved them both with all my heart (this is the area I mentioned in the beginning where it get's complicated). I am a strong supporter of LGBTQ and gay rights. Why can't we all just get through this world together? Life is short so I try to live each day like there will be no tomorrow, because there may not. I am so easy to get along with it's crazy. However, there are some people who bring out the worst in me. When that happens go the other way!

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JaneS
4 years ago

Thank you Nikkolle for sharing a part of your life with us. I’m sure there will be members who will have had experiences that are similar to some of yours. The acceptance you have from your mother and sisters is all that counts. One of the messages from CDH is that we all have a right to be who we are and who we wish to be. Coming out to those around us isn’t always easy but sometimes it turns out to be easier than trying to hide a part of us. Continue to enjoy expressing who you are. You… Read more »

Stacey S
Stacey S
4 years ago
Reply to  Jackie

Hi Nikkolle, I just loved your story I am an older Cross Dresser and only a few of my closest friends know it. I, have been out dressed a couple of times and I am gay also which I knew but hid it for many years from myself also. Thank you for you in sight to all of us. Looking for any other inspirations from you also.
Hugs,
Stacey S

Erin Gurly
4 years ago

Nikkolle – You are an inspiration to others. Thank you — for sharing such intimate parts of your life.

Young or old —the challenge is the same – working to be true to you – there are challenges that we need to work through and should never lose sight of the goal. Your determination to let Nikkolle be more of you has done just that – be true – be yourself – be happy.

This story provides encouragement on anyone’s journey forward.

Jessica Hiver
4 years ago

Thank you for sharing, Nikkolle. I think you are brave. What a life story. I hope to hear more!

Breeann Jacobs
4 years ago

Thank you for sharing Nikkolle, you give me hope that one day soon I can at least tell some of my family that I’m a crossdresser you are such an inspiration. I hope you continue to post of your journey

Hugs

Breeann

Pegy Lindenwalds
4 years ago

Pegy Lindenwald

Pegy Lindenwalds
4 years ago

Time has forgot me I am so old, if you dressed in my day you landed in jail or worse. I still dress now and then to remember what it was like. All you lucky girls, have a great beautiful life.

Love you all

Pegy Love

Darcy Bainsley
Member
Darcy Bainsley (@darcy)
4 years ago

Love the story Nikkolle, what you describe here about being who you are is a very important message to those who are struggling to find that societal label that fits who they are. I think the reason this hit home with me is that, I’m not sure that I want to become a woman, I’m not sure where or how I fit in, but I certainly do love being me. That right now is most important.

Stephenie Bettis
4 years ago

Hello Nikkolle while my story is totally different I do love your and would be very happy to be friends. You go girl I was the youngest boy in a step brother/step sister family 5 boys 5 girls but actually Had 1 half brother (who knows) and 1 sister (who knows) none of the step family know no contact with any of them and it was hard for me never had those advantages you had with your sister.

Michelle Atkin
2 years ago
Reply to  Jackie

I now and understand

Julie Carson
Member
Julie Carson
1 year ago
Reply to  Jackie

Jackie we have chatted over the years and you know i so admire you and your resolve. I have finally found the right man for me and am engaged to be married. The night he proposed my mind flashed back to when Mom told me as a young teen that she thought i was gay and it was ok, she still luvd me. I have lost family and most friends but am a woman who will soon have her very own husband. I so wish that things back in the 60’s were as they are now. But in a sense… Read more »

Member
Roxanne Lanyon
1 year ago
Reply to  Jackie

Being Roxanne is the most wonderful, feminine thing that has ever happened to me! Sometimes I just want to be in his arms and never let go!
Roxanne Lanyon

Georgina Babe
Georgina Babe (@georginababe)
3 years ago

Would love to live in a world without any preconceptions.

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