Hi Girls! Mitzi here!
I haven’t been on CDH much as of late. There are other sites I’m a member of which I haven’t spent much time on either. I haven’t been dressing much, as well.
So many things are shifting and changing here at home. While I don’t want to get into the details, since they involve stories that are not mine to tell, I will just say that me and mine have been through the damn wringer a time or two more than we’d have liked during this past winter. However, winter is over, and things are shifting toward that springtime cycle of growth and renewal. Finally!
I’m getting my groove back and just recently I’ve been having an opportunity to dress up and get my girl on more often. I’ve been under dressed every day for the last two weeks and gone full Mitzi three times in the last seven days!
I’ve even had meetings with two other cross dressers I’ve met online and had lovely conversations with both. Through those conversations and my own musings in between them, I’ve learned a few things about myself and how deeply my need to feminize myself goes. These are probably old hat to anyone who’s been doing this a while, but they did hit me hard.
The first insight I was gifted with through these girlfriends is that I need to embrace, discover and truly become the best girl I can be. And not to be afraid of being imperfect. It’s easy to get taken aback by all the gorgeous girls here and wonder if I’ll ever look that good – which isn’t always the most productive or supportive way to look at what we do. It was pointed out to me that thinking that way is keeping the girl inside of me way too on the surface and focused too much on appearances. So maybe while I’ve embraced this, have I really taken the path of embodying her? Really being her and being the total me?
Probably not as much as I’d like to think I have. However, exploring the feminine side of me takes a huge amount of work! I’ve realized that part of my shying away from dressing and going out has been as a result of the tremendous amount of work involved in getting totally prepared as a girl.
It’s not just dressing and getting my makeup just right in order to pass as a girl while out in public. There’s so much more work that’s associated with the art and thrill of cross dressing. The list is exhausting just putting it together! A partial list is as follows: Shopping and accumulating your wardrobe (which can be expensive and extremely time consuming);  working on your physicality by taking time to eat right and exercise; putting on your makeup (which takes a ton of study and trial and error with a variety of products and application tools); figuring what style of clothing is best for your femme look based on your body shape and what your shape wear can improve and not improve; putting on the shape wear and silicone breasts and bras; choosing just the right wig which completes your total femme appearance; working on your walk and voice if you plan on making regular public appearances en femme; working on your mind (learning how to think like a girl and learning how difficult and interesting it is to be a girl); and working on your soul (becoming her – truly!). All these things that go into forming the girl who puts on the clothes and makeup and steps out of her front door ready to roll as full on Mitzi.
It’s intimidating and at sometimes completely overwhelming! Much of the time, for the last month or two, I’ve looked at other girls on here and sites elsewhere and said: “I’ll never be that pretty”, “I’ll never be passable like her”, “I’ll never look good in a dress”, and more. However, my talks with other girls this past week have convinced me there’s no point in being negative about this and its way past time to stop making excuses for myself and just try to be the best girl I can be!
This thrill of cross dressing of mine is supposed to be fun and fulfilling despite all the hard work it takes to get my total girl on. As a result, I’ve determined I’m in it to win it now! It’s far more productive to accept the fact that while this thrill of cross dressing is going to take a lot of work, it will be worth the effort in the end.
The second insight that came to me from conversing with these girls is the fact that I’m not alone regarding this dilemma on any level. I don’t get to visit with other girls in the flesh as much as I’d like to, but I still have that opportunity when I’m willing to be patient and work to make the meetings happen. And even if I can’t meet up in person with the girls, I can still come here or to any of the other sites I’m active on and find other ladies to talk to for support and encouragement and acceptance. Or just read about their experiences and check out their pictures and share in the feeling of community that comes with being a member of a site like this. It gives me a sense of belonging with others that I’ve needed for so long. We never had access to a feeling of acceptance like this before the internet came along. We are all so fortunate to have sites like this one where we can interact with others who share the thrill of cross dressing.
When I have that online support system, even being alone hasn’t been so difficult. I’ve started to dress on my own for myself and work on my makeup and other parts of my girl nature. Sometimes I’ll dress and sit and just read, or watch a movie or an opera, or do something else relatively quiet and relaxing while dressed. I’m learning to be with myself and feel more comfortable being her, because I’m never alone.
Now, even when in male mode, I’m starting to feel the same way – more comfortable being alone and more comfortable with accepting the feminine side of me regardless of my own personal limitations. He (the male mode of me) has a long way to go, but he’s willing to listen to me now and start making some changes in how he treats the body we share. We’re learning to be together and find the things we both want to live for starting with art and beauty.
That’s where he and I are starting, and that’s where I’ll end this. I’m feeling more optimistic about all of this and looking forward to taking it as far as I can go. I’ve learned a few important things this past week and they have really inspired and motivated me. I’m ready to grow and change in all the ways I need to change!
I even have a mantra now: “I am a girl, and I will be the best girl I can be. I will settle for nothing less than that.”
I wish you all well and thank you for reading.
Sincerely, Mitzi
Now girls, feel free to drop me a note responding to my article.
Many of you girls have cut back or totally stopped experiencing your thrill of cross dressing because of your own physical limitations or age. Or if you simply feel like you’re just not pretty enough or measure up with some of the other girls you think are prettier than you are when dressed.
If you’ve done just that and shut the feminine side of your life down and you’re starting to feel a need to get back to becoming the best possible girl you can be regardless of your limitations, do like I’ve done and start getting your girl back on!
Get back to cross dressing even if you don’t look like a darn model or a beauty queen or even as pretty you think some other girls you see online at CDH look. Just get back into becoming the best girl you can be and don’t worry about anything else!
Learn to accept the feminine side of you while either dressed as a girl or while being in male mode. Settle for nothing less and learn how to totally accept and enjoy the feminine side of you!
Once again, Sincerely, Mitzi
Here’s insight no 4. You talk of “he" – the male side of you, and that “he " is willing to listen and how he treats the body we share." What you need to realise is that there is only YOU. You don’t have a male side and don’t share a body. You have a male body – fact. YOU have a male body – it can’t be shared. You have also accumulated through LEARNED BEHAVIOUR from the moment of your birth – AMAB (look it up) – a male gender identity and learned male behaviours. This means you can… Read more »
Stephanie, I agree with your fourth insight completely. Accepting its truth can be challenging but reducing the barriers to reality is such a relief and brings so much inner joy. Hugs Gigi
Hi Stephanie, I respectfully disagree to some extent: The Native American Indians, and modern day tribes as far flung as Indonesia share the concept of two spirits – a male and female persona or spirit inhabiting the same body, I would think that there might be a scientific way to explain it, and I think there’s truth in it, as far as I feel this. Since I am no scientist, I won’t claim it as some kind of empirical fact, and maybe I simply feel uninhibited parts of one spirit – but the evidence I’ve seen in my rebuilding of… Read more »
Hi Laura, thanks for your reply. You say you feel like two distinct people. But do you behave like two distinct people? Or do you share characteristics like empathy, friendliness, concern etc? I don’t have any answers really, only my perception of myself. In male mode I still think and behave in a more female way, and always have. This has led to me to believe there can only be ONE me. But we are intelligent and creative enough to enact any role we choose to. Otherwise there would be no Gollum, or Yoda or King Kong or Orcs! I… Read more »
Hi Stephanie,
All good reasoning!
If it’s just creative imagining, I’m good with that – really, one way of explaining something so intangible is as good as another.
Conflict is the opposite of my experience, we learn to let ourselves breathe and express ourselves as we really are, or how we really want to be, makes no difference.
If we can’t be bothered, then we don’t become any different.
Love Laura
I don’t usually double respond, but the reasoning behind two spirits is just too tempting to leave… The bible is a book written by men and women – or rather, the gospels from which the bible was extracted is. Fact. Whether you regard it as the word of God is to some extent irrelevant, for so much is open to interpretation, largely on a personal level. If it’s the word of God to you, then it is. No question. That’s faith. But any Theologian will agree that there’s plenty to dispute, and the concept of two spirits seems largely to… Read more »
Mitzi thank you for making the effort to write this article which has many insights about your journey. I agree that age should not be a bar to being true and honest with oneself. In some ways, getting older releases one from the pressures of conformity and allows the free expression of the inner real person. Wishing you all the best. Hugs Gianna
I think acceptance is a big issue for a lot of CDs out there, especially if they are trying to pass. I, myself am just an under dresser so to speak. At most I’ll wear jeans made for women out in the open. I’m quite a private person when it is all said and done. You can only do, what you can. You have to work with what you’ve got or rather don’t have. As long as you’ve done your best, that is all you realistically can ask from yourself. There’s no point worrying about how good you look or… Read more »
Mitzi,
What a beautiful and insightful article you have written.
I struggle with the issues you addressed and others. And it is with this community and others like it, along with meeting, being with, and talking with others, that does help.
I wish everyone the best and to enjoy this life!
Karen
Mitzi,
Thank you for such a positive viewpoint on coming to terms with who you are. There is no greater gift than being able to accept yourself as you are.
I think everyone has struggled with how they see themselves and accepting all of it. Trying to be the best you is all one can ask.
Hugs,
Miranda
Ladies, thank you both for your comments and I appreciate the time taken in responding. Stephanie, I will absolutely go read your posts and respond. xoxo
Mitzi- Thanks for sharing your experience and giving such encouragement. You list a number of challenges to “getting your girl on". I certainly experience them in mine own way. You have been very helpful.
Great article ‘Mitzi! As one who has seen this site grow from a hundred to tens of thousands of members, I have encountered all of the things you’ve mentioned. I had the great fortune of realizing what about myself what you did about yourself three years ago. I’m not nearly as pretty as many of the girls here on the site, and that’s just fine. I just have to be happy with myself. I’ve realized that Cyn is the person I am no matter what the outside looks like. It’s the heart and soul that matter, not the shell it… Read more »
Mitzi, a lovely article which touches on many of the ways I feel, and emphasises further to me that we as cross dressers are far from being alone!
Love Laura
Hi Mitzi, your post touched on what I believe are the most difficult aspects of being femme for someone born male, that is learning how to think like a girl and learning how difficult and interesting it is to be a girl. All of the social conditioning, educational and environmental inputs are different for every single one of us. So perhaps it is a matter of accepting there is no uniquely female way of thinking. The other difficult aspect may just require the application of critical thinking in order to challenge how we each see being femme. Even if it… Read more »