You don't need permission to crossdress

A few weeks ago I attended church with Vicki and her wonderful family as Vanessa. It was the first time I’d gone to church as Vanessa, which was quite an experience itself. As much as I’d been yearning to worship God as Vanessa it took a few reassurances that I wouldn’t cause problems at the church, or make life difficult for Vicki and her family before I went. Despite what you may be thinking so far, this week’s post isn’t about going out dressed, or religion. It’ll make sense in a moment…

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the different denominations of Christianity (or religion itself) the traditions can vary quite widely. From casual music and a sermon all the way to a formal service with many scripted sections. The service I attended was more formal than I’d been to since college – which is neither a bad thing or a good thing. It did, however, get me thinking about authority.

Crossdressers Are Under Authority

Pretty much since we’re born we’re under authority. We have people telling us what we can and can’t do. Our parents, our teachers, our pastors. We’re trained to ask for permission before doing something as simple as using the bathroom. And woe to you if someone else has been granted permission just before you – there’s only so many hall passes to go around you know.

This system creates compliant drones ready to join the workforce and wait for a boss to tell them what to do and to set boundaries on what they can’t. This may be a fine way to manage society (though I have contrary views that are beyond the scope of a transgender column), but it is a terrible way to manage your emotions.

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You Don’t Need Permission To Love Yourself!

As crossdressers we’re especially susceptible to the judgments of society. We look around waiting for someone to give us permission to be who we are. Perhaps it’s an understanding wife who lets you wear feminine undergarments at home, or a social organization, or a book you read. Yet for most of us, even with permission to crossdress we still feel ashamed of crossdressing.

Why is that? Why, even without the damnation of those closest to us, and the nearest liberal church do we still find it difficult to love ourselves? I think we’re waiting for permission. We’re waiting for someone to tell us that it’s okay to love ourselves. Just as we are. With all our failings and flaws that concealer can’t hide.

Stop Waiting!

You Don’t Need Permission To Love Yourself!

Decide today that you’re going to love yourself for who you are. Maybe you’re a crossdresser struggling to accept your feminine desires. Maybe you’re the wife of a crossdresser wondering where you failed? Maybe you’re too fat, or too poor, or have too few friends. None of that matters. Love yourself.

If you won’t do it without permission, then I give you permission to love yourself. Say it aloud now, ‘Vanessa gives me permission to love myself. I love myself for who I am.’.

Really. Say it. Your computer will contract a horrible virus and explode if you don’t say it loud enough so that I can hear you.

‘I love myself for who I am’

Did you check that your microphone was on? I could bare hear a mumbling from the other end. All I have are these words (and the ability to make your computer explode), so just say it. Do it because you’re afraid of the mess your computer will make if you don’t, or because you just want to move on to the next article, or because you have enough faith in yourself to know that only good can come from this.

‘I love myself for who I am’

You might just find that when you love yourself the world seems a bit brighter, and you have more love to share with others. You are beautiful just as you are. Thank you for joining me this week.

P.S. I don’t really have the ability to make your computer explode. However, if it  does explode I recommend you contact the manufacturer immediately and get your fabulous clothes far from harms way. Melted skirt is not a good look for you….


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I’m passionate about creating a safe space for everyone in the transgender community to find laughter and friendship on their journey. I completed my physical transition in 2011 and through it I lost everything, and gained everything. I am blessed that I was forced to gaze inward and embark on the journey to discover and live my authentic self. My deepest wish is that all who wander here may find peace, happiness and freedom.

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Renee Tippman' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Renee Tippman
5 years ago

Hi Vanessa,

Thank you so much for this article, it made me smile. Coming from a Christian home, it’s nice for someone to at last say that I have permission to love myself for who I am. I realise there are so many denominations of Christianity but who of them, really appreciates different people. Didn’t God through the bible say that we should love one another as we do ourselves, then why do so many Christians have an aversion for everyone and anyone who is different?

Thank you,

Renee Xx

Jasmina Lewis
4 months ago

I love myself for who I am.

Thank you Vanessa.
This article made my day 😂

Michelle Brown
4 months ago

@Vanessa Law Thank You Vanessa,.Myself and my sister and brother were raised as Catholics and taught by the Dominican Nuns,very fierce creatures,LOL,and what you say is true,we were always awaiting permission for one thing or another.So ,I have given myself permission to be the best crossdresser I can be and be happy about it.I love myself for who I am and will continue to do so. Sincerely Michelle.

Patches Everhart
Active Member
4 months ago

Thank you Vanessa for the wonderful advice.  God loves everyone just the way they are and any church that teaches otherwise is just wrong. 

Ms. Catherine (Cathy) Vos
Active Member

@cdh  Embracing Authenticity and Self-Love A compelling piece, prompting a reflection on the journey of self-discovery and acceptance. Vanessa, you shared a poignant experience attending a formal church service, revealing the inherent challenges in seeking societal approval to be one’s authentic self. The narrative here struck a chord as it explored the pervasive theme of perpetually seeking validation and permission from other people. From our earliest years, we find ourselves navigating various forms of authority, shaping our behaviour and often constraining our emotional autonomy. While this structure may serve societal order, it frequently acts as a deterrent to embracing our… Read more »

Fiona Finlay
Active Member
4 months ago

I have to add my thanks for this one too 🙂  I was there last night, saying this to myself and it felt soooo good.  I may also have written a rather in-ya-face post on another thread about how well my day went en femme 😳  Sorry, I’m not normally one to flaunt it when I know there are others on here who aren’t able to get their girl on, but I was rather overcome by it all and just had to celebrate and let off some pink steam!

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