For years I used the name Kasey when I dressed in my beloved miniskirts, stockings, heels, and the other stuff I used to wear. It was the product of my first and last initials and made sense. The thing was, I was struggling to figure out who I was, on many levels, at the time, and I just went with the most obvious choice.
Being a halfsie crossdresser who dresses like a pirate from the waist up and wears skirts, stockings, and boots from the waist down isn’t all that I am. It is a part of the whole picture, but it is an important part of my identity. It doesn’t define me, and as someone who has no intention or interest in transitioning, it is a part time kind of thing. Still, it matters. It matters very much. I became Captain Sally Sparrow because I came to realize I wanted to blend my male and female sides into one and have fun with it. In part this was because I spent too many years struggling with it, not being happy with my female side, and never feeling completely comfortable with who I tried to be.
Why? This is another question we ask ourselves often. Why do we do the things we do and want the things we want? Why do we want to do something so many others consider weird, sick, twisted, or straight up wrong? You can spend a lot of time with a therapist on these questions, but the most simple answer is that if it wasn’t a very real part of our identity we wouldn’t do it. There is a need so strong within most of us that to stop dressing, to stop being who we feel we truly are, leaves us feeling empty, unhappy, and often depressed to the point of turning to things like drugs and alcohol to cope with not being able to live the life we want to live.
One of the problems that results is we become so fixated on the goal of presenting as female, or becoming female, that we forget about all the other elements that make us who we are. I have seen girls like us go down the rabbit hole of obsession over realizing their female dreams that the rest of their life suffers.
We are a complex human machine with many working parts. We have a wide variety of wants and needs and sometimes the pursuit of one acts as an eclipse of others.
Think of your life as a novel you are writing in which you are the protagonist. As each chapter unfolds, more events happen, more changes take place, more challenges are met, and the action moves on to a new chapter. Each of those chapters is important. They took you to where you are now. Rejecting the past for a variety of reasons, including a rejection of your male past, tears out the roots of the story and leaves you as a piece of driftwood. All those experiences, all those people, places, and things, are important and relevant. You can’t dismiss the past any more than you can obsess over it or try to change it.
Rejecting parts of yourself because they no longer fit the mold of who you see yourself as because you have followed a difficult path into the world of CD/TG is just as damaging as rejecting that part of you. It isn’t all that you are. It is part of the whole. All of a sudden you emerge as female and you are happy and excited and then after a while you are wondering where the story goes now.
Hold onto the things that are part of who you are, even if you transition to female and feel like you must now abandon the more male oriented things you always enjoyed. The world has made huge strides in this area over the past decades. There are women who play football, race cars, work as mechanics, fish, eat steak, barbeque on the grill, drink beer while watching basketball, and everything else imaginable. You don’t have to prove you are female by adopting only traditionally female activities and hobbies.
You are who you are, not who someone else thinks you should be, and not someone who has to fit into a narrow definition of what you are supposed to be. You can have your own opinions, you don’t have to support something just because other CD/TG folk do. You can be you, a unique individual with a wide range of interests, likes, opinions, hobbies, friends, etc.
This is your life. This is the story you are writing, a novel about yourself. It isn’t the sequel to someone else’s life. It is a stand alone book about you. It is about your quest to realize your hopes and dreams. It about your triumphs and failures. It is about how you learned from your mistakes and became better for them. It is about falling down and picking yourself up and moving forward.
When you finally figure out how to write your life story the way you want to, then you become pretty much invincible.
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