Today’s crossdressing success story comes from a lady who is caught between a life with a loving wife of many years, and her deepest longings. My heart goes out to her, that she may find a tranquil agreement that allows both her and her wife to be who they are. If you’d like to contribute your own crossdressing success story send your humorous, emotional, joyful, courageous and heartfelt stories to vanessalaw1@gmail.com and I’ll share them with our community.

My Story,

Sometimes beginning at the middle is a good place to start because that is where most stories are composed.
I am where I am, I do not know where I will be in the future. I have some recollection of where I have been – you know how it is as you get older!

My cross-dressing story has been evolving recently. I recently went to see a GP, then a Sex counselor then a psychiatrist. Interesting discussion; however, I really got nowhere with understanding why or what to do?

I am married with a wife who is aware of my need; but is not  accepting. We have been together for over 30 years. I only told her about my need  2 years ago. I have been lucky to the extent that she has not left me; however while she accepts the situation she is very emotionally against it!  Sexual relations have been difficult since my revelation. We have 2 children both of whom have left home. As far as I am aware I do not believe any of my friends or relations, apart from my wife, are aware of my dressing crossing.

We have agreed that given the time we have been together and the difficulties in getting another partner, staying together even with ‘issues’ is better than not. We have a session with my psychiatrist planned in a few weeks. We would like to explore where we might go with our relationship which we are keen to develop further rather than just let it lax.

Each week I have a day off from work while my wife is off with her work. I am Jane then. I dress, put on makeup and go out. Shopping for clothes, makeup, to the movies, the art gallery or just a coffee is my day out as Jane once a week. I would like more; but given work and other commitments it is difficult. Sometimes if I am away with work intercity I have opportunities to dress.

I look forward to ‘my day’ as Jane and see it as an opportunity to throw off my male shackles and immerse myself as a woman. It is a wonderful feeling that is hard to explain; but I have come to accept that this what I need to do and continue to explore and develop….the story continues.

What stops you from crossdressing?

What stops you from crossdressing?

I don’t mean just crossdressing within the safe confines of your own home. I mean going out crossdressed for the first time. I mean gathering up all your self confidence and strutting out the door looking the best you ever have. Boldly going where very few other men have gone before.

Today I’m going to share a few reasons why you might be putting off such an important step, and how you can overcome your barriers to crossdressing.

You have nowhere to go: This is probably the number one reason why people don’t go out crossdressed – because you don’t think that you have anywhere to go, somewhere that is safe, where you won’t be recognized, and someplace that you can enjoy. Just before my transition I used to spend every weekend in a park just round the corner from my house. It was my sanctuary. I was able to be myself for a few hours, enjoy the sunshine with little fear of being outed. It was a safe place for me, and helped me build my confidence to go other places. You might find a local transgender meeting group (also a safe place), or a transgender friendly club or restaurant (your local transgender organization will know of a few) or if you’re fortunate enough – with a group of your friends who are accepting.

You’re afraid: Fear comes in many forms. Fear that you’ll make a fool of yourself, fear that someone will recognize you, fear that you won’t pass and get into trouble. Since I have readers from all over the world it’s worth noting that you should take the time to understand local laws. Generally across the US, Europe and Australia it is not illegal to crossdress. The biggest antidote to fear is experience. Do it a few times and you’ll gain confidence. Spend a few hours en femme and you’ll build the habits and mannerisms that serve you well as you venture further out. Most importantly, start with a place that feels safe to you. Take baby steps.

You look horrific: Honestly sweetie, you don’t look that bad. This is a legitimate worry, since learning to be feminine takes time and practice. Even then many ladies aren’t blessed with the figure to pass there are still things you can do to improve your chances of passing in public. I’ve known many wonderful ladies who didn’t pass, but held their heads high and walked down the street like they belonged. Confidence is the difference between someone pointing and laughing, or someone coming over to chat with you because they find you generally intriguing.

So what stops you from crossdressing?

Hopefully with the few examples I’ve given you, you can see that it’s not the world that stops you from crossdressing, but yourself. Take a moment to think about what’s been holding you back, perhaps this weekend will be different…

Are there other reasons I missed? Please comment and let me know what has held you back, and how you overcame it. This will be a blessing to others just starting out!

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P.S. Thank you to all the ladies who responded with their crossdressing success stories! I received them, I’ll reply individually soon. If you’d like to share, please submit your crossdressing success story.

Over the last few months I’ll admit to being remiss when it comes to sharing the latest tips, tricks and advice for navigating through life as a woman – whether it be part time for full time. With all my surgeries, I’ve had a lot going on, and finding time to write and answer email has been difficult.

Today I’m excited to announce that I’ll be starting the much loved Crossdresser Success Stories back up. For those who are new, these are real stories from real women about a success they had crossdressing. It can be a small success, such as buying your first feminine piece, or a large success such as going out en femme for the first time, or sharing your secret with someone you love.

To get started, I’d like to ask you to share your crossdressing success story with me by email at vanessalaw1@gmail.com – You don’t need to be a writer to share, just take a few moments to tell me your story. Ideally submissions are between 500-700 words, and include a photo. But don’t feel shy – if you’d rather not include a photo and use a pseudonym, that’s okay too!

I look forward to hearing your stories, and celebrating with you in your moments of triumph!

Blessings,
Vanessa

The travails of long hair

Learn how to handle beautiful long hair

I bet many of you reading this are rolling your eyes at me right now – maybe you’re not able to grow your hair long or have challenges with a receding hairline. You’re probably wondering what I could possibly have to complain about, right? I’ll admit that I am blessed to have a full head of my own hair. But it’s not all sunshine and roses here! There are very real and pressing issues that need to be discussed!

Food and hair don’t mix: My favorite food is Vietnamese noodles. I absolutely love pho, and eat a vegetable pho with fresh tofu just about every week at my favorite pho place just down the road. As my hair has grown I’ve noticed that the tenuous balance between eating pho without spilling it everywhere, and keeping the broth out of my hair has been disrupted. It is genuinely difficult to keep my hair pho free, while at the same time leaning far enough over the bowl to avoid splashing down my shirt as the noodles dance towards my mouth.

Lather, rinse – phew too tired to repeat: Washing my hair has become an event unto itself, that I try to do as infrequently as my personal hygiene standards will allow. It’s not just that I go through shampoo and conditioner like hot dog buns at an all you can eat convention. Washing takes time and energy. Even once it is clean and conditioned, the fun begins. I now need to dry my hair and detangle it. All told it adds an extra 30 minutes to my morning routine.

Color grows out: I think there is a plot amongst colorists. They know that it will be impossible for you to look in the mirror at your faded roots without thinking about giving them a call. It’s like an ad built right in to your body – it’s genius! If I get my hair colored I’m then a slave to the salon every 6 weeks for touch ups.

Hair gets everywhere: On the floor, in the shower, in the sink, on the chair. Strands of my hair make it everywhere. It’s not that I shed at any prolific rate, just that a few strands together seem like a lot more. And vacuum cleaners have a much harder time picking up the hair – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to unclog my machine because of immense hair build up.

It’s not good to dwell too long on the challenges, so getting right to some advice for how to tame your tangle of long hair.

Hair Advice for Crossdressers

Buy a good hairbrush, and use it often: A good hairbrush will glide smoothly through your hair, and feel nourishing and invigorating when you brush your hair. I use a boar hair brush, because it doesn’t get tangled in my hair as easily. I try to give my hair a good brush every night, this helps release the natural oils and distribute them in your hair to make it strong and healthy.

Use conditioner – lots of it: Conditioner is your best friend – it helps to seal in moisture in your hair, and revitalize it after too many weeks of a harsh hairdryer’s heat. I personally prefer to use organic conditioner, such as Avalon organics, because I try to treat my hair with the same respect I treat the rest of my body. I don’t like pesticides and chemicals to be part of my life journey.

Brush from bottom to top: Brushing from bottom to top protects your hair, because you get all the snacks on the ends out before brushing from the top. This means there is less pressure and yanking on your scalp. This women demonstrates how she brushes her gorgeously long hair.

Don’t be afraid to experiment: Hair is one of the most versatile fashion accessories. We can wear it up or down, curled or straight. We can change the color and texture, add highlights or lowlights. We can pin it or tie it in ribbons, and it always looks sexy when we toss back our head and laugh with joy.

What are your favorite tips for dealing with long hair?

If you’re not fortunate enough to have your own hair, I recommend a human hair wig. Human hair tends to fall more naturally, and be easier to keep clean and styled.

It has been a long time since I wrote to you – I have so much to say, but first I want to apologize. Some of you may have received an email from me with a very old article. The last few days I’ve been working to move Crossdresser Heaven over to a more stable server, and I must have done something that sent out the email. Quite what I’m not sure – computers can be like that sometimes, can’t they? [Thanks to all of you who emailed me confused as to why I was sending out such an old email!]

I believe, and hope and pray, that all my surgeries are now over. Last year I had facial feminization surgery, as well as a vaginoplasty. A few weeks ago I had a labiaplasty and breast augmentation. My body has been contoured and cut, moved, shaped and stitched back together. The pain has not only been physical, but emotional as well. It has been a long road back to full health, and I’ve still got a few weeks yet before I’m there.

I did have a breakthrough this weekend, when I realized that I am not ashamed. I had been steadily beating my shame back, and every time it would find a cunning way to ensnare me. I believe, and hope, that I have purged the last of my transgender shame. Take a moment to click on the link above to read my full story – I’d love to hear your experiences overcoming shame.

It has been a long road back, but the further I travel the more I notice how colorful the flowers along the roadside are, the more I appreciate the caring smiles of those I hold dear.

May your week be a blessed one!

I can hardly believe it is already March. I feel as though it was just the other day when I went in for my first transgender surgery. I remember the trepidation the night before, fearing the procedure and wondering whether I would be pleased with the results. In the dim portion of my memory I can still see the pain of recovery, but I am blessed that I remember as if watching an old silent movie. I can see the characters, but can’t hear them. I know they are in pain, but I can’t feel it.

That was almost 8 months ago. My journey through the last 8 months has been difficult. Two surgeries, recovery and then returning to work after a long absence. My emotions have soared to the highest joy, and then dropped to the pit of despair. Yet with all that I’m startled. 8 months have gone by!

Time is easier as yourself

Survive your time away from the feminine

Tonight I was thinking back to my time before transition. When every moment as myself was a sweet and fleeting breath to be cherished. When it felt as though any time as myself was as precious as water in the desert, and evaporated just as quickly. The time between these events felt slow, arduous and filled with anguish. I was constantly tortured, forced to pretend I was another person. Forced to live a lie.

I know that many of you ladies feel the same right now. For some the future is murky, you’re not sure whether transitioning is in your future. For others the future is clear, and you know that you will forever live between the genders. In some way this makes the burden of time harder to bear, because you know you’ll carry this burden forever.

3 Tips for surviving time outside the feminine

All is not lost. If you’ve followed my 5 tips for loving your time en femme without envy you’re well on your way. Today I’d like to share 3 more tips for surviving your time outside the feminine.

1. Keep the big picture in mind: If this is just a temporary stop before you transition, use it to gather your emotional fortitude (you’re going to need it!). If you are a crossdresser this might be a regular occurence, realize that this too shall pass. And soon you’ll be able to live one brief night in all your feminine glory.
2. Stay present: One of the greatest blessings I’ve received since transitioning is that I am more able to be present in my life. For moments, conversations, experiences. The noise has been driven out of my mind and I can appreciate each moment more readily. You don’t need to transition to experience the present. Perhaps it’s meditation, or finding something you really enjoy to spend time on that will keep you in the present.
3. Affirm yourself: Notice how you walk, how you speak, how you feel. Affirm the feminine feelings within you. See a cute dress you’d like to try? Go take a closer look. Be proud of who you are. You don’t have to prance around and make a scene, but don’t let your temporary time not crossdressed dampen your spirits.

How do you survive the long droughts between en femme?

Many of you who visit Crossdresser Heaven today may notice something odd. Parts of the site appear blacked out, as if a malicious censor has wrested my freedom of speech from me and left me with nothing but the shallow unobjectionable message. I’ve done this to stand in solidarity with thousands of other websites across the Internet who are protesting the greatest threat to the Internet.

This threat comes in the form of two bills before the House and the Senate in the US Congress, called SOPA and PIPA. These bills would give anyone the power to shut down a website without due process or judicial review. If these were in effect ten years ago there would be no Google, no Facebook. There would be no YouTube and no Twitter.

Lovely ladies, if this bill was law there would be no Crossdresser Heaven. The many thousands of crossdressers and transgender women who have found encouragement and solace would be left alone and isolated. I urge you to stand up for the Internet and the freedom of speech it represents by calling your congressman and urging them not to support SOPA (in the House) or PIPA (in the Senate). Please share this with as many of your friends as you can.

You can learn more about these bills on this website or by watching the video below. Thank you for your time, and for helping to preserve not only this website, but the Internet for future generations.

Update: Google just released a site with more information about Internet censorship – this is a valuable resource for you.

Love and blessings,
Vanessa

PROTECT IP / SOPA Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.

Truth in Crossdressing

For those of you who crossdress the new year may be an even more tense time. Perhaps you’ve sworn off crossdressing, or at least promised to keep it to once a month. Perhaps you’ve finally committed to sharing your secret with a loved one, or taking an outing in public for the first time. All of these commitments to yourself can be an important part of your growth and discovery. Even if sacrifice and denial is in vain, the learning gained by the experience can prove priceless for future decisions.

My lovely readers, as you may know this last year has been full of new, terrifying and exciting experiences. I had facial feminization surgery and gender reassignment surgery, which have stretched my emotional and physical tolerances. While my spirit has been filled, for many months my energy has flagged and returned only to flag once more. All through this experience I’ve learnt many things, but one in particular I’d like to share with you:

Be True to Yourself

It’s easy to get caught up in what others want or expect. To set aside your own desires or even your integrity to please someone else. In the moment it may seem to bring peace, or to offer a short glimpse of happiness, but in the end it will erode your soul. I fought against becoming myself for many years. I was driven by fear, the expectations of society and the desire to make my now ex wife happy. Every day I sacrificed a piece of my soul just to keep the status quo. And every day the sacrificial demands go larger, and the status quo a grim shadow of it’s former self.

I’ve had some rough times emotionally, as many do recovering from surgery, but I have never for one second doubted that I did the right thing. It’s as if I had placed a desperate gamble and won back all of my soul I had so carelessly bartered away. I was true to myself, completely. Many didn’t like it. I lost a wife, lost some “friends” and gained myself. And new friends, and new opportunities.

This time of year is delicate – you’re just getting over regret at having slipped up on a resolution or two, but I implore you to make room for one more commitment this year. Be True to Yourself. Whatever that means for you. It’s okay to purge and sacrifice if that’s being true. It’s okay to go out in public, even make a fool of yourself, if that’s being true. It’s okay to step out on the ledge and share with someone else, if that’s being true.

I believe that very few of us have an opportunity to live an authentic life. Join me in 2012, and live your authentic life.

Namaste.

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Photo courtesy of Alaskan Dude

I’ve partnered with the Breast Form Store to offer you a chance to win a free pair of Gold Seal Classic II Breast Forms just in time for the holiday season. Head over to Transgender Heaven for more details on the competition and how to enter.

While the breast forms are designed for transgender woman just starting on hormone replacement therapy, they’re also good for crossdressers who have a little extra (lucky you!) in their breast area. Since the breast forms feature a concave back they give you the cleavage you want while providing enough room to accommodate what God and hormones has blessed you with.

The competition closes soon – hurry over to and enter to win a free pair of breast forms.

This provides some humorous levity while astutely implying a truth about transsexuals – many of them started out as crossdressers. Unfortunately, while it makes for a fun observation it doesn’t really provide any useful insights for those who are struggling with their gender identity, or for others who hear that someone they love is a crossdresser.

It’s also easy to describe the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual by sharing the definition of each word and describing transgender terminology.

It’s more difficult to help those struggling with their gender identity determine whether they are a crossdresser or transsexual, though I’ve made such an attempt a few times.

Five days ago I had sex reassignment surgery. As someone who once considered themselves a crossdresser, and now considers herself a transsexual woman without question of doubt I feel I’m in a position to provide some valuable insight for those struggling with a similar question. It goes without saying that each person is different, and this question is best explored together with a qualified therapist, after all you’ll make life altering decisions based on what you discover.

How Do I Know if I’m a Transsexual?

• You consider yourself a woman: Crossdressers enjoy being woman for a time, but still consider themselves to be a man. Many are even happy being a man, and indulging their feminine persona a few times a week or month is all they need. Even if they fantasize about being transformed into a woman, crossdressers never seriously consider this to be a long term way of life.
  Transsexuals feel an intense cognitive dissonance between the genders of their mind and body. For me this manifested itself in a constant ‘mind static’ that pervaded every moment. I couldn’t enjoy the fullness of life because of a birth defect that placed me in the wrong body. For some it gets so serious that they seriously consider suicide as the only solution.
• It’s about who you are, not the clothes: For many crossdressers the infatuation with the feminine revolves around their appearance. The clothes, the makeup, the impossibly high heels. Even for crossdressers who strive to blend in, it’s about being feminine. Being feminine feels good and exciting.
  For transsexuals the entire experience doesn’t revolve around the accessories of gender expression. Another common refrain is, “How do you tell the transsexuals at a transgender conference?”, “They’re the ones wearing jeans”. It’s about who you are, not who you appear to be.
• You take the good with the bad: Transsexuals realize that there is no escaping being a woman. No time off for good behavior. We can’t decide to be a man for a certain circumstance just because it would be easier. While we may lament the discrimination we face as women it doesn’t factor in to whether we are a woman.
• Womanhood is messy reality, not an idealized fantasy: If your sole experience of womanhood is as a fantasy, then you don’t have enough information to say that you’re a transsexual. Many crossdressers only experience what they consider the ‘highlights’ of womanhood (It’s another post as to why I don’t believe these are the actual highlights). Nights out feeling sensual, or safe gatherings dressed in their finest feminine attire. The truth is that womanhood isn’t quite as clean or elegant. Many transsexual woman experienced and embraced the messy reality of womanhood before transitioning. If you’re wondering, seek out every day experiences as a woman.

Embrace Who You Are

Gender Identity isn’t a game that you win by being more feminine. The only way to win is to discover where you are on the spectrum, and accept yourself unconditionally. If you’re not a transsexual, that’s okay. If you are, that’s okay too.

I’ve shared my thoughts on how to determine whether you’re a crossdresser or transsexual. What insights have I missed? If you’re a crossdresser and firm in that knowledge, how did you come to this realization?

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