My Female Journey

I love being a woman. I regard myself first and foremost as a woman rather than a crossdresser. I love wearing makeup, lingerie, dresses, beautiful shoes, jewelry, and having my hair in different styles. I love perfume; Chanel No. 5 is my signature fragrance. And let’s face it, men’s clothing is BORING! Really, what would you rather wear, a suit and tie and those flat shoes, or feel utterly fabulous in a beautiful dress and high heels to show off your legs?

Even though I have spent most of my adult life as a woman, it is only recently that I’ve come to accept myself as a woman, having tried for far too long to deny my true nature. To explain; I have lived as a woman for many years, mostly in secret, with many episodes of shame and regret and many purges. I would live as a woman for up to six months at a time and then decide I shouldn’t do it anymore and purge all my gear out of fear of being discovered. I would donate all my clothes to charity and throw my wigs and makeup in the garbage.

And I would think… there, I’m over that, time to resume “normal” living again. I would vow never to put a dress or high heels or makeup on ever again. That would last about six months, and then I would wake up with an overpowering need to look and feel female again. And so… I would go shopping and buy all the essentials—hair, makeup, lingerie, clothes, shoes, and jewelry. From that base, I would expand as time and money would allow. As you can imagine, It started to get expensive purging and buying the gear over and over.

I believed that marriage would “cure” me of my desire to look and live as a female. It didn’t. My wife traveled much for her job, and I would take advantage of the freedom when she was out of town to dress up. I still went through purging episodes, often before she returned home, thinking it was madness to continue living as a female.

Late last year, my wife and I agreed to separate, but not because of crossdressing. We had other issues that had been boiling up for some time. In fact, my wife had been accepting and supportive of my feminine side. She bought makeup and hair scrunchies for me and encouraged me to wear her Chanel No. 5. She even gave me makeup application tips.

So, I now live as a woman 90 percent of the time. I go out in public regularly, something I used to do when I was still single. I remember the first time I went out for a walk and how nervous and scared I was. My heart was in my mouth, which was desert dry and my knees were shaking like a jackhammer. I was afraid of being beaten up for trying to look like a girl. Instead of being hit, I got hit on, starting in the elevator of the apartment building I lived in at the time.

While on that first walk as a woman, a guy tried to pick me up in his car. Maybe he thought I was a hooker in my long overcoat and tall boots. While I was out driving myself, men would frequently leer at me and try to get my attention. My female voice was evidently fine as I recall a conversation with a woman in a hotel restroom with no suspicion that I was anything other than what I appeared to be.

I was lucky to be born with certain physical advantages that make me an attractive woman. I am tall and slender, with somewhat androgynous facial features. I have an oval, symmetrical face and high cheekbones. Several people, none of them related to me, have said over the years that I would make a great-looking woman.

I have thought often about transitioning fully, but it is to my advantage to remain male part of the time. To my sisters who haven’t totally embraced their feminine side, I encourage you to do so if you can. Get out in the great wide world! Life is too short to deny your true nature.

Love,

Mandy

More Articles by Amanda (Mandy) Richardson

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