I’ve spent most of my recent, and older life, thinking back on all those signs that I missed, and the ones I purposely avoided, ignored, took shots at, and begrudgingly followed. I’ve shared with you in retrospect what I hoped would be some commonalities to help you avoid similar pitfalls. I try to have fun as well as be serious when I write these blog posts. I find doing so is therapeutic for me, and hopefully, enjoyable for you. So… the person who received this letter is the young man I was at 18 preparing to head off to college, and the one who had a secret he didn’t understand.
Dear Sabrina,
I know the name on the envelope isn’t Sabrina, but somehow you know that it feels right. You hate it, and you want it. Someday, it will be Brina and you will be the Managing Editor of two websites… it’s the internet that you’ve just started to hear about; a place of magic and availability. You can search for, look at, and buy anything you can imagine, but most importantly, you’ll learn of the millions of people who are just like you. You are far from alone, not broken, and definitely not demented, sick, or going to hell.
I’m not going to tell you about your future because of some paradoxical twist that might endanger the entire cosmos… at least that’s what all the future movies will entail… oh how much you are going to love them. It makes today’s “Alien” look silly. (What a franchise that develops from that movie…) I instead, want to talk about the signs, some you have already seen, and those to come.
The hardest thing for us to grasp is knowing the difference between identity and sexuality. Learning to see ourselves for who we are instead of how others believe we should be. It’s okay, more than okay, it’s nature and not dictated by purposely scripted explanations from all sources of so-called experts, historians, religious leaders, and dictators, all who strive for one purpose: to control the narrative and the people. You are a part of evolution and humanity. I wish that I could tell you that “Star Trek” and its message of hope will come to pass… in some respects, the world is better, but in many ways, worse.
What the world will bring is connectivity. The instant thread that exists between similar groups, the world, and the proliferation of knowledge (some manipulated, some false, and much free) at your fingertips. The reason you feel drawn to the “Sears” catalog and the ads for the women in their lingerie isn’t “just” a sexual feeling. You already see that sign. Something feels “off”, and you don’t know what that is. You know you should hate it and want to dispose of it for good. And… something inside of you is trying to offer a calming voice against the fear. Listen to it; the voice is yours. The more you try to separate the two and silence the one, the harder your life will be. It isn’t about judgment by others, or even persecution, denial, or abnormality. It is simply the fear of being you. I know the fear is immense, even possibly dangerous. The way forward isn’t through fighting but through understanding, and in finding a balance that you can grow in, find happiness in, and thrive in.
Secrets eventually come out. The longer you keep them, the more they eat away at you. Still, responsibilities, promises, and timing all play a part in when they are revealed, if not exposed first. My advice is to pursue the path of truth when it happens. The continuation of a lie to protect a secret will only cause more turmoil and anxiety. If you can share your truth upfront before being exposed, it may surprise you. We are our worst enemy. I look back and wish I had… but at the same time, my life is what it is now and so many parts of it I wouldn’t change. Those lessons, those signs that I saw but ignored, shaped me. I only wish to offer you more peace within yourself.
Choice isn’t always necessary, regardless of what society tries to make you believe. Only the extreme live on their convictions of rightness with disregard for other opinions. They are the loudest voice and many times those in a position of authority. It doesn’t make them or their ramblings the truth. You may not always be able to be you on the outside, but you can always be you inside. There is a spirituality in accepting one’s true “ego.” You are more than just your name, the physical form you see in the mirror, or the intellect you have, you are the love within your heart, the compassion shown to others (and yourself), the forgiveness, understanding, and empathy to others that makes you, you. None of them needs to be sacrificed for the other. The signs will lead you to where you need to be.
We know, but we refuse to accept. We forgive others but not ourselves. We love deeply and harbor self-hate. We want peace but refuse to compromise. There is enough war raging outside, let the never-ending battles within you find common ground. Find your path, your balance, and your “self!” Let others come to know the person you are.
Love,
Brina
While somber, the truths are still there. We are one person (I know some believe in the multiple spirits inside… not saying that isn’t possible) that is a major concoction of history, genetics, upbringing, present situations, and everything else. I will always promote the simple need to find your balance. I won’t, nor should others, tell you what you need to do. Instead, I will only suggest that you read the signs that are intended for you alone. It may help you avoid unnecessary detours…
Until next time…
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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Brina, I love your writings! Being an English Baby Boomer ( I hate labels), I grew up with influence from the 1930’s, 40’s, and 50’s from a German Mom and an English Father. At the time I was growing up it was illegal to be gay in Britain 🇬🇧 They either chemically castrated you or put you in prison! Slightly ironic, that!… I thought I must be gay with my feminine desires because I wasn’t aware of the differentiation between sexuality, and identity. Now I’m an old retired person who is able to share the real me with family and… Read more »
What a terrific compliment! Much appreciated. Thanks for sharing the tidbit on Britain’s history. I’d heard that but forgotten.
I remember the SEARS catalog in the 1980’s. I didn’t really look at the toy section. I was infatuated with the woman’s career clothing section. The skirt suits, the flowing blouses. At the time, I couldn’t differentiate (or even contemplate this) the difference between “attraction" and “envy." I was attracted to the look. I was really envious of the look. I would look at those women and badly want to dress like them. It felt right. I don’t know why. And then I would attempt to dress that way with my mother’s clothes. It made me happy and I didn’t… Read more »
Yeah, I know! Right… When our lives were about the catalogs, the occasion Maury shows about trans before trans, and Sunday church. All of those legs and dresses… Thanks for the comments 🙂
Brina, another sweet, insightful, and brilliant article. Thank you! For me, the letter would be to a thirty one year old, a young man recently married who came home one day to find his wife’s beautiful new dress laid out on the bed. While he was an engineer and understood the science of magnetism, he could not understand how a simple dress of fabric, a magnetic dress, could pull and call to him so strongly. A sign of his future? It couldn’t be bigger. Yet, he struggled and missed that one and so many other signs over the next decades.… Read more »
so very kind of you to say! Thanks for the story and the compliments 🙂
You are so welcome, Brina!
Thank you for this wonderful article Brina! Great concept. It reminds me of all the times being called a man just did not quite feel right. Take care.
Thanks for the kind compliment! I think that is how all of us feel, or know, that something isn’t quite right. It isn’t the need to wear female attire either, but that this image of manliness we try so hard to emulate is what is off… Great comment. 🙂
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish You’re welcome and same back to you! Keep up the great work.
Thank you Brina, I felt every word of that very deeply. Most my life I really didn’t understand what I felt, and always kept it hidden. So many times I said no more that’s not me and purged all my clothes and thought that would fix me. In my 30s I finally realized, I’m not broken, I don’t need to be fixed. And with the acceptance, encouragement and help from my late wife. Now almost everyone in my family knows and they really don’t care. Clothes, fashion and makeup are common conversations with my sisters and daughters. For me,… Read more »
That’s great! I’m still at DADT with my children, but we all know. Being on my own, I can do whatever I want, so that isn’t my issue. I’m blessed to have that! Most don’t. I try not to live in regrets, and thus far… I think I’m doing ok in that way. I have lots of wants, but I find that there aren’t many needs. Those are the ones that matter. Thank you for the comments! 🙂