Almost but not quite...

When I cross-dress, I go to lady-land, where I experience joy and delight as I am able to fully express my feminine self.  I have a great time when dressed, and go out regularly for walks or a shopping trip.  However the feeling of being in lady-land was all too limited to the time when I was dressed:  at other times I felt disconnected from ‘girl-me’ and experienced gender dysphoria.

My female persona needed more expression.  It was difficult, as I am in the closet and my SO unfortunately has a very negative attitude to crossdressing.  For my own well-being, I needed a way for the ‘new me’ to express herself.

I decided I would let my female self’s choices and preferences slowly come out into my everyday man-world, without alienating or upsetting my SO.  The aim was to achieve a sort of in-between gender point expression, something like an ‘almost but not quite girl-me'.  I've described the changes I made over time in various categories below.

A good foundation

I have very little body hair (a trait I inherited from my father), so it was easy to establish a feminine style body care routine under the guise of man-scaping, to include the following:

• A regular weekly depilation scheme for my legs, forearms, underarms and chest.

• Skincare: I do a basic daily cleanse and moisturise after shaving my face.

• Looking after the skin on my forearms and legs, by using a moisturising cream.

• Nail care:  I keep my finger and toenails nicely trimmed and clean.

• Eyebrows: I keep these trimmed, neat and tidy.

Hairstyle

I wear a short styled female wig in the same colour as my natural hair when crossdressing.  I wanted to keep my hair in as similar a style as possible when in man-mode, so I changed it to match the wig as closely as possible.  On a good natural hair day I sometimes don’t bother with a wig when dressing (especially in the summer on a very hot day).

No Makeup

I can't wear makeup in man-mode.  When I started crossdressing regularly 10 years ago, I decided not to wear makeup in girl-mode either.  I am fortunate in that my facial hair growth is slow and that my complexion is very like my mother’s, who very rarely wore makeup.  I decided to follow what she did and not use makeup, going for the natural look;  so a close shave and a bit of moisturiser and I’m good to go.

Clothes

I had a long think about clothes and how I wanted to revise my man-drobe and girl-drobe.  When you cross-dress, there is that inner response and the feeling of being your female self.  A number of things contribute to this effect.  The women’s clothes are essential;  also it’s the feeling of the different fabrics, the colour palettes, the designs and patterns which contribute to the feminine look and feel.  I decided to change out my man-drobe to use the same colours as when I cross-dress;  replacing old clothes with new ones that could be worn when I cross-dress as well.

Wardrobe Overlap

Over time, I’ve replaced as much of my man-drobe as I can, using unisex items and avoiding women's-only clothing labels.  I select new clothes and shoes from the ‘female side’ of unisex, choosing the colour and styles from those that women are shown wearing.

• Initially, I started with coats and zip-through fleeces.

• Next I tackled shoes;  there are a lot of style crossovers between men's and women's shoes.  I wear flats and currently have some slippers, black tasselled loafers, black ankle boots, navy deck shoes and some white trainers;  all entirely suitable for wearing en femme.

• Jumpers, T shirts & Polo shirts -  I got rid of all my drab-coloured men’s tops and replaced them with ones in my favourite girl colours of burgundy, red, lilac, lavender, sage green, royal blue and so on.  My new set of unisex tops work well with my skirts.  A polo shirt, a skirt and some white trainers make a great casual outfit for the summer.

• I thought about what sort of everyday clothes I would wear around the house, if I were crossdressing 24/7.  I settled on skinny jeans with some simple basic T-shirts and tops.  So to increase the overlap more, I decided to wear men's skinny jeans around the house when in man-mode.  They feel the same as women’s ones when I’m wearing them;  sometimes I wear them when cross-dressed too, with a long T-shirt or a tunic top.

The reaction of my SO to my man-drobe changes has been positive.  She says my new coloured tops and the skinny jeans suit me and I should buy more.  Where possible, I now choose all my man clothes to be on the female side of unisex, so that each item also works as part of my girl-drobe.

Updating my Girl-drobe

I used to have lots of rather dressy clothes.  Not the sort of thing you would normally wear on a trip to the supermarket or for a walk round a country park.  So I had a bit of a change out and altered things so I had a year-round wardrobe, with a capsule wardrobe for each season.  For each season I have a dress, a skirt (or two) and a couple of pretty patterned tops.  As much as possible, the dresses and skirts are for an everyday look.  With my unisex man-drobe items and my revised girl-drobe, I have all the essentials I need for when I cross-dress.

It's not just clothes

There are other ways I express my feminine self in my everyday life choices.

• I got involved in household decoration, selecting curtains, bed linen and so on.  These things are normally left to ‘the lady of the house’, but I wanted to express my feminine choices around the house as well.  My SO was initially unimpressed, but later found that my suggestions were to her liking.  Now it's a joint decision;  I think we are about even on choices.  It’s nice to see a pretty duvet cover that I chose on the bed.

• As I got older I had to wear glasses, so I chose frame styles that are more like those that women wear.  I have a couple of lovely floral glasses-cases, that wouldn’t look out of place in a woman’s handbag.

• With wristwatches, again I’ve chosen to buy man-watches that look like watches I’ve seen women wearing;  I even managed to find a nice rose-gold man's watch which works nicely as a 'best' watch in girl-mode too.

When my SO found that I had come to prefer bright colours and floral patterns, she bought some things for my bedside table - a lovely tray with a pink rose pattern, plus a ladies' glove-box with a floral lid to keep my watches in.

Where am I now ?

With all these changes, I find myself much happier and my gender dysphoria is minimal.  With my ‘almost but not quite girl-me' look, I’ve moved closer to lady-land.  As a result I sometimes find myself accidentally ‘over the border’ when I wear one those outfits;  I experience the same feeling as I when I cross-dress fully.  When it happens, it is quite a strong positive feeling which can persist for a couple of hours.  Now when fully cross-dressed, the experience is more intense and I feel so relaxed and happy being completely me.