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Could this be the first?
My niece who knows of me just had her second child, a son, yesterday and as I held him in my arms, I thought of the world he was entering and how different it was from the one I entered some 51 years ago!.
There was little to no information available back then for those of us who didn’t fit the gender norms of society. It was a lonely existence and we felt as though we were the only ones who felt the way we did. I remember going to the public library (for the younger members here-that’s a place where ACTUAL books could be found and checked out to be read) and researching everything I could find on crossdressing/transvestism and transsexualism. I can even still remember that the Library of Congress headers were HQ77 (for CD) and RC 560(for TS)-while in the Dewey Decimal system it was 616.8583 for TS and 301 and 306 for CD/TV.There were several transsexual autobiographies available – the Christine Jorgensen Story (first mainstream US citizen to get SRS), Mirror Image by Nancy Hunt, Canary by Canary Conn, and Conundrum by Jan Morris. I devoured these books as well as articles in magazines and research studies by John Money and other pioneers in the world of TG treatments and SRS. But there was NO real information in the world of TV or newspaper. IT was a taboo subject-much more so even than the aspects of homosexuality. The world thought then (and unfortunately, despite the enormous progress made since then, a large number of people STILL today do as well) that any man who was gay or crossdressed was a sexual deviant and predator that needed to be kept away from all children!
So I like many of my peers buried that side of myself from being seen. I WAS caught by my dad while dressed in my sisters’ clothes. He asked me if I wanted to be a girl. While the answer I should have given was yes, I stammered no-that I Was just curious about what it would feel like to wear the clothes. I knew that admitting my feelings would likely mean being sent to a psychologist who would force me to discuss things that I didn’t really want to discuss. I figured that eventually, once I got married and had a “real woman” in my life, that the need and desire to dress in feminine clothes would go away. (This was in keeping with the focus on the fetishistic view of crossdressing –that it is a substitute for actual real sexual relationships).
So I grew up hiding the part of me that was my true nature. I still couldn’t completely fit into the male world because it was still antithetical to how I felt inside! I was not the macho aggressive testosterone-driven type person that I saw in most guys I went to school with. I didn’t date in school, partially because of my paralyzing shyness, and partially because girls didn’t seem to view me in terms of being desirable from a dating perspective. The words were always similar-“you’re a great guy, but…” ;”you’ll make some girl a great husband one day..”; “I like you as a friend!”. So I resigned myself to being alone.
It wasn’t until after college and being in the workforce a few years that I met the lady with whom I THOUGHT I would be spending the rest of my life. She asked ME out on our first date and after dating for a few months, we both realized that we wanted to get married.
The marriage began fine but the feelings and urges to dress did not go away but in fact became stronger-perhaps from the proximity of all her lovely feminine finery! Old habits returned and I never missed a chance to dress while she was gone from the house working or shopping. About a year into the marriage, the inevitable happened-I got caught! She found the packaging for a cheap women’s wig I had bought around Halloween and confronted me about it. I admitted that I liked to dress as a woman and she almost left me that day as she could not accept or even tolerate this. It was only after much begging and pleading that I convinced her to stay. The marriage lasted another twelve years before she decided she could not remain married to a man who dressed as a woman. She accused me of infidelity (absolutely untrue and never even a thought in my mind) and of being gay(also not true as I had no attraction to men whatsoever) and that I never loved her at all but merely wanted “cover” for what she saw as my “perversion”.(also not true for I DID truly love her). Looking back I wonder if she saw something in me that I had buried and refused to acknowledge-a desire to actually BE a woman-or more correctly to acknowledge the woman I had always been in my heart.
So here we are back tonight. I am still coming to terms with who and what I am. I don’t know yet if I will be satisfied with just occasionally dressing as a female more often and interacting with the world more often than I have in the past…or whether I need to acknowledge that I’ve always been a woman who has been trapped inside a masculine shell since birth and need to crack that shell to reveal the feminine essence I have felt since childhood. Thankfully, though it is still a decision fraught with dangers and possible/probable consequences, the world is ever so slowly becoming more tolerant of those who don’t fit into the typical gender paradigms. I don’t know the final destination where my life is leading to but I am excited to explore the future together with ALL of my friends here at CDH.
And my hope and prayer is that as the baby boy that I’m holding grows up, the world HE sees will accept him no matter who he loves, or feels he is. And we can all be the people we are in our hearts making the world a far happier place!
I wrote a poem (that I’ll show below –as well as post separately in the Poets Corner forum)-kind of a prayer of hope.The Future Begins With Us!
I held my nephew in my arms amazed at what I saw-
Such beauty, love and sweetness-not a solitary flaw.
The slate is blank, the beach of life unmarked with any prints-
No hate or prejudice at all –just joy and innocence.I thought of all the things that could impinge upon this baby-
The bad parts of society but then I thought just maybe
That he could be the one to change the way that people think!
And take a world that’s making strides and push it to the brink.Where who you are attracted to or how you feel inside
Is nothing to be ‘shamed of or to feel you have to hide.
Where all can live their lives as who they’re always meant to be
Regardless if that fits what we perceive as he or she.The mightiest of movements start from someone saying “NO!
I won’t allow a phobia to land a single blow!
For all are worthy of our love and none deserve our scorn-
And each is just as precious as this boy who’s just been born.So as I gaze upon my nephew’s beatific face,
I pray that God will grant me just a little of His grace.
And that the change I just described may truly come to be
For all of it CAN happen-it is up to you and me!Let THIS be the generation that changes the attitudes and beliefs of the world towards the TG community.
Cyn
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thanks Cyn, this has helped me so much</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>love you</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Sallysim xxxx</p>2016_personal stories: skippy1965(Cynthia) original post:
Could this be the first?
My niece who knows of me just had her second child, a son, yesterday and as I held him in my arms, I thought of the world he was entering and how different it was from the one I entered some 51 years ago!.
There was little to no information available back then for those of us who didn’t fit the gender norms of society. It was a lonely existence and we felt as though we were the only ones who felt the way we did. I remember going to the public library (for the younger members here-that’s a place where ACTUAL books could be found and checked out to be read) and researching everything I could find on crossdressing/transvestism and transsexualism. I can even still remember that the Library of Congress headers were HQ77 (for CD) and RC 560(for TS)-while in the Dewey Decimal system it was 616.8583 for TS and 301 and 306 for CD/TV.
There were several transsexual autobiographies available – the Christine Jorgensen Story (first mainstream US citizen to get SRS), Mirror Image by Nancy Hunt, Canary by Canary Conn, and Conundrum by Jan Morris. I devoured these books as well as articles in magazines and research studies by John Money and other pioneers in the world of TG treatments and SRS. But there was NO real information in the world of TV or newspaper. IT was a taboo subject-much more so even than the aspects of homosexuality. The world thought then (and unfortunately, despite the enormous progress made since then, a large number of people STILL today do as well) that any man who was gay or crossdressed was a sexual deviant and predator that needed to be kept away from all children!
So I like many of my peers buried that side of myself from being seen. I WAS caught by my dad while dressed in my sisters’ clothes. He asked me if I wanted to be a girl. While the answer I should have given was yes, I stammered no-that I Was just curious about what it would feel like to wear the clothes. I knew that admitting my feelings would likely mean being sent to a psychologist who would force me to discuss things that I didn’t really want to discuss. I figured that eventually, once I got married and had a “real woman” in my life, that the need and desire to dress in feminine clothes would go away. (This was in keeping with the focus on the fetishistic view of crossdressing –that it is a substitute for actual real sexual relationships).
So I grew up hiding the part of me that was my true nature. I still couldn’t completely fit into the male world because it was still antithetical to how I felt inside! I was not the macho aggressive testosterone-driven type person that I saw in most guys I went to school with. I didn’t date in school, partially because of my paralyzing shyness, and partially because girls didn’t seem to view me in terms of being desirable from a dating perspective. The words were always similar-“you’re a great guy, but…” ;”you’ll make some girl a great husband one day..”; “I like you as a friend!”. So I resigned myself to being alone.
It wasn’t until after college and being in the workforce a few years that I met the lady with whom I THOUGHT I would be spending the rest of my life. She asked ME out on our first date and after dating for a few months, we both realized that we wanted to get married.
The marriage began fine but the feelings and urges to dress did not go away but in fact became stronger-perhaps from the proximity of all her lovely feminine finery! Old habits returned and I never missed a chance to dress while she was gone from the house working or shopping. About a year into the marriage, the inevitable happened-I got caught! She found the packaging for a cheap women’s wig I had bought around Halloween and confronted me about it. I admitted that I liked to dress as a woman and she almost left me that day as she could not accept or even tolerate this. It was only after much begging and pleading that I convinced her to stay. The marriage lasted another twelve years before she decided she could not remain married to a man who dressed as a woman. She accused me of infidelity (absolutely untrue and never even a thought in my mind) and of being gay(also not true as I had no attraction to men whatsoever) and that I never loved her at all but merely wanted “cover” for what she saw as my “perversion”.(also not true for I DID truly love her). Looking back I wonder if she saw something in me that I had buried and refused to acknowledge-a desire to actually BE a woman-or more correctly to acknowledge the woman I had always been in my heart.
So here we are back tonight. I am still coming to terms with who and what I am. I don’t know yet if I will be satisfied with just occasionally dressing as a female more often and interacting with the world more often than I have in the past…or whether I need to acknowledge that I’ve always been a woman who has been trapped inside a masculine shell since birth and need to crack that shell to reveal the feminine essence I have felt since childhood. Thankfully, though it is still a decision fraught with dangers and possible/probable consequences, the world is ever so slowly becoming more tolerant of those who don’t fit into the typical gender paradigms. I don’t know the final destination where my life is leading to but I am excited to explore the future together with ALL of my friends here at CDH.
And my hope and prayer is that as the baby boy that I’m holding grows up, the world HE sees will accept him no matter who he loves, or feels he is. And we can all be the people we are in our hearts making the world a far happier place!
I wrote a poem (that I’ll show below –as well as post separately in the Poets Corner forum)-kind of a prayer of hope.
The Future Begins With Us!
I held my nephew in my arms amazed at what I saw-
Such beauty, love and sweetness-not a solitary flaw.
The slate is blank, the beach of life unmarked with any prints-
No hate or prejudice at all –just joy and innocence.
I thought of all the things that could impinge upon this baby-
The bad parts of society but then I thought just maybe
That he could be the one to change the way that people think!
And take a world that’s making strides and push it to the brink.
Where who you are attracted to or how you feel inside
Is nothing to be ‘shamed of or to feel you have to hide.
Where all can live their lives as who they’re always meant to be
Regardless if that fits what we perceive as he or she.
The mightiest of movements start from someone saying “NO!
I won’t allow a phobia to land a single blow!
For all are worthy of our love and none deserve our scorn-
And each is just as precious as this boy who’s just been born.
So as I gaze upon my nephew’s beatific face,
I pray that God will grant me just a little of His grace.
And that the change I just described may truly come to be
For all of it CAN happen-it is up to you and me!
Let THIS be the generation that changes the attitudes and beliefs of the world towards the TG community.
Cyn
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