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So, I’ve been with my fiancee one month shy of three years and we’ve been engaged for almost 6 months. I don’t want to take up alot of space detailing our relationship to you, but suffice to say, we are very compatible and just “right” for each other. I’ve never tried to be anything I wasn’t around her, and honesty is strong. We are both recovering alchoholics (met after we were sober) and that is an important aspect of our relationship.
I’ve crossdressed since I was a kid, and feel like it’s an important part of my personality. Now, truth be told, Ive haven’t crossdressed during our relationship.
I think I’m ready to tell her the truth and get it over with. Be true and not to insult her love for me. Assure her I’m just me. My original thought had been I’d never bring it up, so this is a huge step for me!
I’m just looking for some encouragement guys 🙂
Hi Sarah,
I’m very new to this group, but I can certainly feel what you are going through and respect the incredible courage it takes to have this particular conversation.
I wish you all the best and remember to give her room, time to walk away and process, without giving up hope that the love and connection you both feel will make you stronger together.
Good luck and know you have a whole community behind you!
Sincerely,
Bridgette
First off Sarah, I’d like to congratulate you on your sobriety. It is not an easy thing to do. As you know, alcoholism is a disease that needs constant management in order to keep it in remission. I can see how two people can be each others pillar in order to maintain that sobriety. That in itself is a stresser in any relationship.
But I understand how you want to tell the person closest in your life about your crossdressing. After all she is the one that challenges you, and makes you a better person. Now you are going to add another dimension into your relationship, that your fiance might not fully understand.
If you can do it, you are a stronger person than myself. I have not told my SO in the 18 years that I have known her. My urge to crossdress has only intensified as I get older. And every year that goes by I feel I should have told her, and feel that I continuously lie to her. If there is anything I can add to your narrative, its that these feels do not go away with time.
One of the many reason, I admire women so much is that they are strong and resilient. Maybe I was just lucky in life, but I always seemed to be surrounded by confident, strong, independent women. Hopefully you will be able to find those same attributes in the woman within yourself, as well as your fiance, when you tell her.
Good Luck, and remember there is an entire community here that understands your dilemma.
Hi Sarah, good for you for wanting to take the next step and talking with your wife about it.
My wife more or less found out which is never the best situation, but I have confirmed what she already knew. We’re working through it but I can say from experience she’ll be shocked to say the least! Sit her down after a good day between the two of you, moment should be relaxed, and then tell her.
Tons of articles online and on this site even for approaches so I won’t need to list them here, but to that end point, I wish you the best of luck! Let us know how it goes.
Hello Sarah,
I’ve been with my GF for 5 months now & I told her about my dressing after 2 weeks. BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!!
She has been incredibly supportive & encouraging. Has helped me in more ways than I could ever count. I actually feel I’m living the CD Dream Life right now. At her suggestion we went clothes shopping last week with me in full fem for the 1st time with her. Then this last Sat we went thrift shopping with me in guy-mode, but that didn’t stop her. She’d find a top or dress & would hold it up to me to see how it’s look. Came home with 4 large bags stuffed with new clothes for me.
What I’m trying to say is that your dream could be waiting for you, right in front of you. All you need to do is start the conversation.
Best of luck!
Patty
……………..amen……………..never hide……………….that’s hell………………
Sarah,
I’m also a friend of Bills and a long time CD. I hid it from everyone, included my wife for over 27 years. I got caught Dec 2017 and my wife responded as predicted with complete and total revulsion at my CD and said it was a deal killer. I promised to quit to save my marriage and purged my wardrobe. My experience is you can’t quit being something you are rather something you do. I got caught again and long story short we are divorcing or rather setting each other free. I’m not the man she thought I was and I couldn’t stay in the closet any more. Best advice: talk to your sponsor, pray and meditate, and do some journaling. Don’t wait 38 years to come clean with who I am. Good luck girlfriend. Lacy
Lacy, it probably won’t change anything, but you ARE the man she though you were, and a whole lot more – she doesn’t realise the great deal she got. It should not be a deal breaker as it wasn’t in the contract in the first place.
If I come across strongly, it’s because my wife used the deal-breaker line on me, and I don’t accept that there was ever such a deal.
The deal is “for better or worse”.
Love Laura
Hi Sarah,
Please know I pass no judgement on anyone, least of all a fellow Gurl. I think this can go two ways. Okay, maybe one or more!
1 – She accepts it. If she does you have to hope that is unconditional. Any conditions only lead to suspicious minds and distrust. “Are you abiding by the rules?”. That is never good.
2 – She does not accept it. In which case you are in the vessel many of us are in. I had a really odd and strangely coincidental experience. I decided to tell my girlfriend and soon wife to be, about my dressing. (that was several years ago). In a random conversation regarding her first husband, she intimated that he liked to wear ladies underwear and pantyhose. That was a big turnoff for her. It was not (least as I know to this day), the reason they broke up. When I heard that, that really drove me to the back of the closet. I eventually did tell her, but she was no where near accepting.
This is important, and again this is not judgemental in any respect. Given your bout with alcohol, your behavioral tendencies towards crossdressing will not change. It is in very many respects, an addiction for many of us. We have all (maybe not all), purged and thought to ourselves “I’ll never do this again.” Only to experience a trigger that pulls us right back into our lovely attire. And I love this and it’s why I do it.
Last important note. What you do, what we do, really truly does not cause any harm to anyone. If anything we harm ourselves by not being true to ourselves and enjoying what we have within us. A desire to feel good, look beautiful and want acceptance.
We may not get these things from society, or the ones we love. So that means, we have to provide those things to ourselves.
I hope this all makes some sense, and helps you (me) and others in some way.
Love and Hugs,
Rebekka
Honesty is forefront, she is with you now.
to be honest if you have no plans to dress then should you need to say anything. If you do then you owe her this up front rather than building a future you may crush later on.
I told my SO as soon as I worked out what it was to me. Didn’t come to me until later life so we had been married a good while.
Hey girl I believe you will never be able to stop dressing up as a woman like the rest of us can’t on this site we were born this way and it’s okay we have all stopped at one time or another but eventually you feel the need to get back in them soft and silky smooth panties keep me updated and I wish you all the best kisses 💋 Jasmine
You definitely want to do this before you get married… If you want to continue what you are doing with CD’ing it is better to handle it now than when you are married… it could get really messy.
I told my wife before we got engaged. But she didn’t understand the full scope of things until we were living together and sharing everything. She didn’t realize how much a part of me dressing was. Its has taken years to peal back the layers and explain why you want to do it how it makes you feel and all the other issues that come up. I suggest first putting yourself in her shoes(only figuratively). Think about the questions u would have. She is going to ask 2 for sure and I will bet the farm on them. 1. Are you gay? 2. Do you want to transition? Answer carefully because she will remember what you say. I tried to candy coat and tell half truths. These will come back in later discussions. Be as honest as possible. Be transparent dont hide. We you get married all the skeletons come out. This issue doesn’t go away but the more honest and upfront the easier each talk gets. Lying kills relationships. The problem is most crossdressers lie to cover thier dressing and over years they get good at hiding. You cant hide from your wife. She gets to see all your bad with all your good. You cant hide anything.
I hope it all goes well. Just take it slowly and don’t rush things. Don’t show her pictures. Don’t dress for her. Simply talk about it. If possible find some counselling so you have a neutral arbiter who can help you work out the necessary compromises. Then you can gradually let the dressing into your relationship.
Interesting that in the entire three year relationship, you haven’t crossdressed. Why do you think that is?
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