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Hi Girls,
Yesterday My wife and I had a serious discussion about my crossdressing and she said I was becoming consumed by it and CDH.
She told me like her smoking that Crossdressing was an addiction.
I never really thought of crossdressing as an addiction.
Maybe this has been posted before but what do you girls think?
Huggs Patty
Hi Patty. Here’s my take.
Yes and no. Crossdressing is difficult, if not damn near impossible to quit. Much like smoking, alcohol, and drugs are for some people.
By definition, repeated actions become habits. Some habits are good (buckling one’s seatbelt) some are not (coming to a rolling stop at intersections). Some habits become addictions.
I do get a rush from slipping into a pair of panties. I do want more as time passes (a bra, nylons, makeup, smoother skin, etc.) of the things that make me look more like a woman.
But it’s a manifestation of who I am. Even if I didn’t put on the clothes, apply makeup, sport a wig, the feminine side of me would not go away. Part of me would still be Raquel.
But, at least, IMHO, crossdressing is heathy. It makes me happier, relieves stress, and has no dire side effects.
Some scientists would say I have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism because of my mother and father. Yet, I can go weeks between having a beer or drink and can stop at one.
In full disclosure, I’m a smoker. If my wife were fully aware of my crossdressing (I’m beginning to come to the opinion that she must suspect something, but definitely does not know the whole of it, by any means) and were given the choice, she’d rather have me give up smoking, but would never fully like me crossdressing, either.
Habits can be hard to break. Addictions, even harder to shake. But you can’t change who you are, only how you behave.
Well, the word “addiction” is usually associated with something that is bad. But, couldn’t the same addiction argument be made for joy, happiness, love? We need and crave these things, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Smoking physically damages the body. If my dressing in a feminine way makes me happy, that’s good for the body.
Is a cis gendered male addicted to masculinity? No one asks that question, because they are dressing and expressing themselves in the way that society expects them to. I wonder how many of them have the same feelings that we do, but don’t dare step outside of the box that society has put them in?
Rather than asking if this is an addiction, I think a better question may be, do I have a healthy balance between crossdressing and other things in my life?
Birel
Great discussion! I am always impressed with the level of intelligence, insight and civility to be found on CDH regarding very complex emotional issues. Addiction certainly has many negative connotations that any rational person wants to avoid. Is dressing negatively affecting my job, the people around me that I love, the pursuit of other interests in my life (music, art, literature etc…)? These are the questions I ask myself. Birel’s points are well taken, is my life in balance? There is only one person that can answer that question obviously.
An interesting thing this discussion has brought to light for me is the neuroscience “Pink Fog” aspect of dressing. Has the need to crossdress always been this strong and simply repressed or have I created a pleasure pathway that needs continual reinforcement the same as strenuous exercise? There is no question that putting on a pair of panties produces a little jolt of pleasure, however I think the desire to express my feminine side is more deeply rooted. Certainly only a very small percentage of men have this need. Beyond my pay grade to understand why it felt so right the first time I indulged the urge. At this point in my journey, achieving a balance is the pathway to happiness.
Eek. An addiction? I have always equated an addiction as an uncontrollable need for something. I’ve had addictions in my life, it is not a half way thing. You are, or are not. And if you are truly addicted, you will do whatever it takes to get a fix. You would not care being embarrassed or ashamed about coming out of the closet, nor would you be worried about hurting others or any negative consequences. All an addict worries about is fulfilling a need. From what I have read here most – if not all – of us are very concerned about the others in our lives and care about them. Many of us were scared and unsure when coming out, worried about being rejected. A true addict would not give two poops about that, all they care about is getting a “fix”. That is what has caused so much grief for myself, and for others too I’m sure – We care! That’s the big difference, and my way of thinking about it anyway. Addict? Don’t like the term, just isnt the proper word to define it all.
Me, I need to wear clothes – it gets cold in Canada. I wear my clothes to keep warm, that’s all they are for me. My clothes.
Stevie
Yes. It can be an addiction. Most of us hide, or downplay our addictions. We gloss over how much we spend, or don’t exactly share what we bought.
The majority of us hide what we do from our family. We might even use cding as a form of escapism from our other commitments.
Enjoyment can be extremely addictive. And enjoyment can be destructive. Eg, self absorbed to the detriment of everything else. And those traits can be found in many areas of recreation and hobbies.
I agree entirely with this, Mary Jane, and try to steer my obsessive hobbies to productive ends.
My family like watching me making an idiot of myself in plays – I just love acting (and dressing up, of course!).
I put my obsession with guitar playing on a stage whenever I can too – just a couple of weeks ago I was invited to guest at a gig with one of the fathers of one of the boys in my son’s football team – and got invited back to play again in a couple of weeks time!
My obsession with computers in my teens paid off – I am a senior technical consultant for a managed services company and love my job.
Now I am trying to make something out of my lifelong (it seems!) obsession with the clothing assigned to the opposite sex.
Since at least the age of 4 I’ve dreamed about wearing such garments, but didn’t try until I was 10, kept it hidden as possible until 3 years ago – but there was always a strong drive in me to “come out”.
It was like an addiction, because it was destructive, made me distance myself from others, including family, afraid of hurting and getting hurt.
Now, I respect my wife’s wishes… or, more truthfully, grudgingly put up with them to keep my family together, and make the most of every second of my “allowed” dressing time.
And I definitely don’t distance myself beyond social distancing – I just love people!
Please take a look at my latest Bournemouth story in the Personal Cross Dressing forum 😍😍😍😍😍
Love Laura
Hi Patty,
Just a thought, what precisely is your wife getting at? Is she concerned that you are dressing all the time? Or is she concerned that you are spending too much time on the CDH forum?
Don’t laugh, but you *can* indeed get addicted to simply being part of an online community. As a one time moderator on a long gone forum, I was aware of forum users there crashing and burning by getting too carried away. If you are getting up earlier to check out your messages and your thanks, and see what’s new in the posts, or if you are staying up late and losing sleep through it, then maybe that’s worth addressing.
Being online is a solitary activity which rules out the engagement of loved ones and friends in the real world who can get quite hurt or miffed if they feel you are ignoring them or preferring ‘just’ to type something onto a screen and then react to a beep or notification.
Not saying this applies to you Patty – but I’d be surprised if this thought hasn’t crossed the mind of a few posters here – me included.
Marti xxx
Sage advice from Marti. Solitary online experiences can become addicting, with all the negative consequences that implies. Initially it was such a rush to realize that there is a whole community of humans out there that have the same deep seated feelings that you always thought you would never be able to share. Once that wave washes over you (not quite ashore yet!) life goes on and you need to participate and interact outside cyber space.
I believe cd’ing is an addiction , kinda different from chemicals , chemicals can be erased , but cd’ing is a mental state . I hear once anything goes into the brain it’s there forever . I think those that have quit will tell you they think of it now and then , which to me means they can return anytime and probably will , well that what i believe and I’m sticking to it
Thank you Patty for a very thought provoking post. I think Stephanie hit the nail on the head with her well expressed response. It’s interesting that no one thinks of being gay as an addiction.
As Birel pointed out so well, the issue does not seem to be whether or not you are addicted, but rather your wife’s need to see more of the man in her life. Finding the right balancing point can be difficult but it certainly sounds like you have a wonderful wife to talk these things through with and set some ground rules and expectations going forward that, while maybe not perfect, will work for the two of you. It is great that your wife is communicating her feelings with you before they fester into something harder to correct.
A common thread through a lot of the relationship issues expressed here on CDH seems to be that we have a feminine aspect to our brains that we try to control or eliminate unsuccessfully as we grow up and develop romantic relationships in our lives. By the time we realize that we will always be a crossdresser we are often married and sometimes have children. We then have the conversation and many marriages end at this point or soon after. A good percentage of wives though love their husbands enough that even though this is something they never signed up for and they find very unattractive they want to find a way to continue the marriage. Each marriage handles this in its own way ranging from don’t ask/don’t tell to full support. But even in the cases of full support, I believe that if there was a pill that would eliminate the desire to crossdress almost every wife would put it in their husbands coffee without hesitation. I point all this out to say I really appreciate and treasure wives like Patty’s that hang in there and work with us even though it is difficult for them.
The excellent well thought out replies to this post are why I love and value this site and really appreciate all the volunteers that do the hard work of making this possible.
Good discussion and great answers!
I think most folks looking from the outside-in could see crossdressing as an addiction, but for us looking from the inside-out it can be a prison.
We want to tell someone about it and what it means to us, to leave our homes in peace, to hang out with like-minded friends at a club or just to even go for a darn coffee!
If more folks accepted who we are, then it wouldn’t look like an addiction. There’d be no more secrecy and deceit. It would then be just another lifestyle.
Just my two discontinued pennies,
xo Barb
Beginning to think it may be an addiction. Since I came out to my wife I dress most mornings and sometimes underdress during the day. Ran to the store in sweats with thong underneath and a big padded bra covered by a down vest. Didnt give it a second thought. Lately planning my days around when I can slip back into panties and such. Yesterday tried base coat on nails for the first time. Seems all I can think about is how to become a better stephanie
Hi Patty I think it is good for you and wife to have discussions like this. The question WHY and always been a a quest for me. I do believe now that it was in the womb as Stephanie Plumb has described. There was a incomplete masculinization of the brain during the gestation. I am sure there is more to be studied and understood. I am not sure if addiction to the feel good chemical we all get when we are expressing our selves to something we have been hiding or may even considered forbidden. Are we all addicted to sex and everything else that makes us feel good about our selves and allows us to feel complete. I want to make it simple it is a form of expression that best describes my inner sense of who I am as a human. Most people never display it is just kept it a secret.It does not matter if you were born a male or a female. We are only being honest with our selves and others. That takes courage. I still do not understand why we would are ridiculed for identifying with the gender that brings life, joy and happiness to everyone they encounter. Great post something we should all consider.
Luv Stephanie
Patty….
If anyone wants a straightforward explanation on ” addiction”….see how Wikipedia defines it….
Addiction is a biopsychosocial disorder characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences.Despite the involvement of a number of psychosocial factors, a biological process—one that is induced by repeated exposure to an addictive stimulus—is the core pathology that drives the development and maintenance of an addiction, according to the “brain disease model” of addiction…..
OMG……wish I hadn’t asked….plain as bloody mud!!???
All I know is this…..
I go to work 5 days a week, but I’m not addicted to it…..I just have to.
I wear women’s clothes 7 days a week, but I’m not addicted to it….I just want to.
I don’t get the shakes or cold sweats if I miss doing either.
addicted to CDH…..just maybe.
Grace xx
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Great question and very insightful theories.
If crossdressing is an addiction then I’m a hooked junkie!
Hi Patty,
I wouldn’t say it’s an addiction, I however would say it’s a mental therapy.
The relief of crossdressing is extremely therapeutic, our chemical make up within the functioning brain drives us to this particular activity and we identify with large selections of femininity. To us identifying as female is in part or whole driven by the need to release it as its complete attached to our emotional and thought processes. Without accepting we are two crossed genders is where the health issues arise, through depression etc. The addiction is not the time we spend in female clothes, but like any woman the amount of shoes, clothes, makeup etc.
Lol Amanda xxI’m not sure about addiction. Compulsion, certainly. Having said that, I don’t think I could stop. It’s not just the act of dressing, it’s the “Ooh I like her dress” moments, the pictures you keep of pretty clothes, the visits to Fictionmania.
Interesting post, thank you.
Connie
xxx
Good topic. I think it depends on your motivation. For me, I know it can get out of hand and is highly addictive if I am being honest. I try to keep it in a place where I enjoy it but it is not everything. It’s like drinking, if it interferes with your work, family, or makes you do things against your character, maybe you should consider cutting back.
My opinion.
I am a recovering alcoholic and a former smoker, took my last drink in 1991, also last smoke in 1991. Both alcoholism and smoking are destructive addictions, which can ultimately kill. Both are proven health hazards.
Cross dressing is part and parcel of one’s personality and needs to be periodically expressed in a responsible manner, time, place, etc. It is not an addiction, nor is it destructive. I read stories on CDH about many girls mixing alcohol and cross dressing. Obviously, that is something I cannot and will not do. I gained sobriety through the Alcoholics Anonymous program, which requires total abstinence from alcohol.
Although CD is not an addiction, it requires balance, when it comes to family and job responsibilities. Our spouses and GFs play a crucial role in our CD activities, as we all well know. With or without their support, our CD activities will go on, better with their knowledge and support.
BTW, to clarify an AA point. If you can drink like a lady or a gentleman, our hats are off to you! By all means, enjoy your favorite adult beverage. We are not anti-alcohol! It is just that we know we are alcoholic and have lost our ability to control alcohol, so we have imposed on ourselves only a no drinking rule but urge others to enjoy themselves!
Thank you for sharing Peggy Sue. Though I still can enjoy my drink, I had my poison too. Huh, just like my idol… and I haven’t been a Gold Dust Woman for decades. Bad, bad thing to use for battling the depression of being in the closet too, trust me. And still do not want to be near it – wouldn’t trust myself. Yes I have a desire, even obsession at times with looking cute and dressing pretty, but I have never passed up eating a healthy meal, or paying bills just so I could go buy another dress.
Sorry I apologize, this isnt supposed to be about drug use, I just do not take the term addiction lightly, and that is partly a me thing I admit…
Stevie 🙂
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Good point Stevie. Unlike drug addiction, there may be some shoplifting going on but I’ve never heard of a CD committing armed robbery for a dress. Some might say they would kill for a certain outfit but its a figure of speech… lol
That’s funny!
I doubt I’ll be hitting a 7/11 or burgling my neighbors for some nylons! But it wouldn’t surprise me that if I did rummaged through my neighbors drawers (ahem..) I’d find a jackpot of 200 unopened XXL packages of nylons of all sorts. “Oh? These must belong to Gerry, not Gwen!” If anyone broke into my home that’s exactly what they’d find!
What a way to start my day. Thanks, Michelle!
xo Barb :B
Hi Stevie,
sorry I wasn’t trying to use that term lightly.
Its just the term was used to describe my behavior as of late.
I thought it would make a good topic of discussion and help me try to sort things out a bit.
Its totally Ok that you brought up some past addictions ,after all this is a support group.
Thank you for sharing .
Hugs Patty
A compulsion is defined as a repetitive ritual that a person performs without rational motivation. This perfectly describes my relationship with this “hobby”.
I have no reason to CD and I am unable to stop doing it.
Caroline
Some lovely interpretations here.
In some respects I could see myself as a young child attracted to the girls clothes and wanting to wear them. I had no idea why or considered any consequences. Had I become addicted?
I feel it more of a necessity than an addiction to be the person I am. It could also be an obsession, a clear mind to drive forward, above anything else, to achieve my goal..
I would put my hand up to say I am addicted to buying new clothes. But that’s normal for a girl, isn’t it?
While I use wikipedia a lot, I’m not sure I’d trust them to be a be all and end all for appropriate definitions. Here’s a definition I found
The American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as “a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual’s life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences.”
First off, I don’t think what we have is medical disease. (Years ago, I rejected anything by Blanchard). It may be some kind of medical condition, but I have a few moles that probably should be removed, I had a hip replaced. Those are medical conditions, not diseases. Treatments for conditions can be all over the place.
To me, another set of key words here are ‘harmful consequences’. I love chocolate, and if it didn’t upset my system as bad as it does, I’d ingest it constantly. See? a harmful consequence and which I obviously do not do. Or, I suppose, one could get to watching a TV show to an extent that one loses sight of work or family requirements, thus possibly causing harmful consequences. Buying shoes by the dozens could cause harmful consequences if the money for that came from funds used to buy nutritional food one’s children.
The only problem I see about ‘harmful consequences’ is that even though we (for the most part, I certainly can’t speak for absolutely everyone) don’t physically harm ourselves or want to harm others by how we manage our desires and needs, as society is today, others can feel emotionally harmed. Unfortunately, as we go through life, there are times where we can, I suppose, emotionally harm another – divorce, breaking up during dating, friends becoming unfriendly, etc. We don’t call those situations as some kind of treatable medical disease.
Finally, the term compulsive behavior is a little questionable. For 40+ years, I got up every weekday morning and went to work. Is that compulsive behavior? To tell the truth there were many times I didn’t want to get up, but I felt compelled to do so for many reasons, a major one being that if I didn’t it could seriously harm my family.
A problem as I see it, is the use of the word ‘addiction’. It has a very negative connotation now days and to accuse someone of that is like lumping in whatever they are doing with drug abuse which we all know is something bad. Guilt by association. That word should be used very carefully and not be bandied about.
But this is all just my opinion (which may be even more questionable than wikipedia).
Hi Patty
I don’t class as an addiction it is a compulsion for me, it must be done to show who we really are and how we feel about ourselves. It is a window and outlet to vent our inner emotion.
Love Sarah
xx
Good point Sarah, it is a driven compulsion totally agree.
Lol Amanda xx
Hi Patty,
I don’t know whether crossdressing is an addiction or not… but the more I do it, the more I want to do it. 🙂
Aurora Eden
Hi Aurora,
Im right there with you sister the more I do it the more I want to.
My wife told me the other day she felt I was becoming consumed and I guess she is right.
I love being feminine and I love having CD/Trans friends that I can talk to openly.
I find it harder to have friends that are unaccepting and judgmental of my girl side.
Well I need to keep a balance to keep my marriage together for sure.
Its tough
Thanks Patty
I don’t have a problem with it being considered an addiction. For me it’s always been like a drug that helps me relax and escape the stresses I have to face in life as a man.
Nothing feels better to me than coming home and striping out of my drab clothes and slipping into some silky soft delicate feminine lingerie. If I have a day off and I’m home alone I will spend hours trying on all my pretty dresses and doing my make-up.
Is it just an addiction or do I have a feminine side that needs to come out and openly express herself from time to time?
My crossdressing goes back as far as I can remember and there are deeply embedded reasons for doing it.
What’s funny is my wife is addicted to hoarding and I hate it but I have to be understanding and accept it because she accepts my crossdressing. The difference is I keep my clothes in one room and her junk is all over the house. My dressing for the most part is out of sight out of mind. Her hoarding is out there for anyone who walks into our house to see.
Well, we all have to get dressed to go out in public, at least. So what makes one think that putting on feminine clothes is an addiction. GG dont get accused of this ! GM dont either. If we got up and put on a suit to go to the hardware store, just because we wanted to dress nicely that morning, most would just consider it overdressing.
To me, its just a persons preference for how they want to look that day. I just like the way i look when I can put something on.
I’ve been wearing pantyhose, heels and bra since I was 4. At 13, I began buying my own pantyhose, bras and panties. Then at 17, I bought some platform wedge heels, short shorts and a couple of wigs and began going out. At 18, I got my own place and began buying lots of femme clothes, wearing them all the time and going out often.
I had lots of dreams, fantasies and desires of wanting to look like a girl, feeling like a girl and wanting to experience how a girl would feel when dressed all pretty and femme.
Going out was very scary, but incredibly exciting, and a thrill rush and experience like nothing else. Just being in Patty mode is a euphoric and thrilling experience like nothing else. I want to feel that way all the time.
Is it an addiction? Fetish? , or something else? I don’t know. What i do know is I love it.
Thanks Patty,
I So value your opinions my friend .
I am not sure what to call my crossdressing, I think its a little of all you described and more.
My wife said I am becoming consumed and she is right ,it has consumed me.
I need to have more balance in my life but it is hard for sure as I love being feminine and all my femme friends also.
Thank you Patty P your the best
Huggs Patty
Great question. Sometimes it does feel like an addiction when the urges are all consuming and get in the way of productivity. There is definitely a dopamine “hit/reward” thing going on. Would it be this way though if we were free to express ourselves on a regular basis? Probably not. I guess it depends on the level of “pinkness” at the time. Sometimes I can handle my “hobby” in moderation but at other times, I feel like I need to go on a cross dressing bender 🤣
Hi Patty,
At least you and your wife can have an open dialog about your dressing. I wish mine would take some level of interest and make a comment here or there so I at least know where she stands.
To answer your question …. In a nut shell yes. I have found CDing is always on the forefront of my mind. I have a difficult time focusing on general tasks at hand. Everything, for me revolves around my CDing. For example: I have other computer work to do instead, I’m here writing this.
So why is this …. I find all the new things I try leads me to try something else and go a little further down the rabbit hole. The further down I go, the more I like it. I don’t know why I like it so much. What I do know I am much happier, in some ways, for it.
Robin
Hi Lisa! For sure I feel happier when wearing a bra – I certainly lean to the female side of gender – but I will not go into withdrawal without it. I’d just be unhappy, like I was for many years of my life when I wanted to wear one all the time but couldn’t. So I dont see it as an addiction or I would have totally fallen apart long ago. Sure, we can become addictive in our behavior, but really, if we are addicted to this, isnt it about what you mentioned – more of a gender shift along the spectrum issue? And then it’s not a crossdressing addiction at all, just us accepting who we are and wearing the clothes made for…. us. 🙂
Hugs, Stevie
Lisa, you’ve done it again, shown light where there is often darkness.
In previous discussions here, we’ve talked about the mainstream marketing of “skirts for men” and similar attempts to make “women’s clothes” fashionable, acceptable and specifically designed for male body types. Something inside me always recoils at the thought of that. I think I’d miss the wash of serotonin if my dressing habits were co-opted into the mainstream marketplace.
2 cents from Clara
In your researches, have you looked at Klinefelter Syndrome?
Connie
xxx
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