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Off to the office
Today is Wednesday, the day when I join a weekly business co-working session. I’ve known most of these people in this group for at least 8 years, meeting with them on a monthly basis (in drab), sharing our business lives and our personal lives. Last year I came out to them as gender fluid, receiving great support and acceptance. Last month I showed up at the office conference room en femme, as Lorie.
So today, as the time approached to get on the road to the office tower downtown, I was desperately looking for an excuse or reason not to dress today. I had a million of them, and any excuse would do. But I hadn’t dressed in public for a couple weeks, and I knew I was losing my rhythm and swagger. I forced myself to put on the makeup, a ruffled midi skirt, a simple t-shirt with a few buttons at the neckline, and a simple shirt/jacket, all in black, offset with a turquoise necklace . Hair and lipstick completed the look. I was so mean and critical of my masculine features, but then I thought about this being Pride month, and I figured everyone would just have to accept the timing and the look.
I’ve gotten used to driving en femme, it doesn’t faze me any more. Nobody is going to talk to me from their car, or stop me, or call the trans police. I just go about my business. I’ve also driven en femme for rideshare companies, and no one said a word.
But the trip into the office building was the challenge. I decided to reduce my exposure today by parking in the basement garage. Walked by 2 guys on the way to the elevator in the lobby, no comments, though I heard some laughing. Should I be surprised if it was about me? And the odds are that it wasn’t.
A long wait for the elevator, no one waiting with me, but when I got on the elevator, a young man put his hand in the door to get on. Silence on the ride up, no conversation, a Lady-walk down the hall, and now I’m in the conference room working and waiting for two of my colleagues who are on their way.
Some of you can feel the adrenaline and anxiousness of this simple little journey. About half way through the trip, I realized that in one year I won’t be concerned about this event. I’ll just walk in with my swaying hips, enjoying my feminine presence.
With that realization, I decided that I could do that now. Even with the anxiety and self-doubt, I can enjoy this feminine world with a smile on my face, walking IN PUBLIC in a frilly skirt, a girlish figure, and a wonderful sense that I am entitled to feel this good in my skin.
Lori,
I am so happy for you!! Living the Dream 🤣
Bravo! I did go into my office on a weekend dressed and walked around some of the common areas. I did not run into anyone but it still felt great. I’m really close to coming in for my shift dressed. I work in a very friendly environment but the only thing stopping me is me and me alone.
Good for you, Lorie!
Hugs!
Shawna
“I realized that in one year I won’t be concerned about this event.”
That’s exactly what will happen.
My co-workers knew I crossdressed, and about eighteen months ago I started going to work as Rachel. Just one or two days a month, but enough to satisfy my need to dress. The first couple of time I turned up en femme it was a novelty. But quickly it simply became the norm. Now it barely attracts attention at all.
Like you I almost didn’t do it the first time. I can remember standing in front of the mirror and making excuses not to dress. But I also felt that if I didn’t do it then and there, I would never do it.
Of course I got so psyched up at the idea of being in the office as a girl, I completely forget the fact that it would also mean catching my normal train to work as Rachel too, as well as my pre-work cafe visit. But confidence saw me through those. As it always does.
I’m curious about how you came out.
Surely it wasn’t a case of “Hey guys, you’ll never guess what…” in an email to everyone?
I’m considering this seriously – I work with some really amazing people too. It’s truly a case of this feels right, but how on earth do I start the conversation?
How did you get the ball rolling?
Love Laura
Hi Laura,
Wow that’s a great question! As I look back, I realize there was a progression in approaching the group, and there is a progression in my conversation.
I started with the leader of the group who was also my business transition coach at one time, as well as my trainer when I decided to become a life coach myself. You reveal a lot to a coach when you’re working on yourself. She knew me very well. She said she felt honored to know the whole me, and that she felt closer to me for the reveal. I asked her if she thought it would be OK to tell the rest of the group, and she thought they would be good with it.
Which they were! As a matter of fact, one of the members of the group has two out of three of her adult children who came out to her as trans in the last year or so.
When I tell people, I refer back to the timeline for me. “Over the past three years, I’ve allowed myself to explore an aspect of myself that I’ve tried to push away for my whole life. As I explored my gender identity, I’ve come to realize that I’m somewhere on the transgender spectrum. I have a friend who helped me to understand it better, because they are experiencing something similar as a AFAB who feels male most of the time. They call it genderfluid. That’s what I am. If you never want to see this, just say so, and I’ll try to honor the image that you have known for so long.”
“One of the reasons that this has been a major confusion for me my whole life is that I assumed that if I was feminine or identified as female then I must be gay. But I’ve never felt gay. I’ve never been attracted to men. So I thought I was just a pervert. But sexual attraction is not linked to gender identity status. Now that I’m OK with being female while not being attracted to men, I am free to explore my feelings around this.”
“I wanted to tell you this for a couple reasons. One, I trust you. Two, secrets generate shame. As I release the secret, the burden and the SHAME are slowly diminished. This may seem selfish on my part, and if it is a burden for you, I apologize. My intention is to be open and honest and learn to be myself.”
“As I go through this process of expressing myself, I feel a lightness and wholeness that is amazing. I don’t know where it leads, but it’s a fabulous journey, even if it is terrifying at times.”
“You probably have a few questions, so feel free to ask them now, or maybe you need to think about this a bit and the questions will come later.”
At this point, it’s important to shut up, wait for the questions, and try to answer them from the listener’s perspective, the information that THEY want.
OK, so that’s my system. Sometimes I can lead into it with reference to something I’ve done, or something I wear (like nail polish). Just this past Saturday I told a woman I’ve know for several years when we were at the Renfest and I bought a pair of womens gypsy pants.
I feel like I have to gauge my trust for the person/people, or just decide I’m tired of hiding it. Even in those cases, I don’t bludgeon people with this fact, or tell them in an aggressive way, or give them the “shock and awe” treatment of just showing up dressed en femme. That’s not my style, and I feel that the psychology of it is like people who are “brutally honest;” they are more interested in the brutal part than the honesty. Passive aggressive?
We’re going to upset an apple cart that has been an apple cart for many years, and I want to be compassionate and kind to them so that we can continue the relationship in a healthy way.
(BTW, since I’ve invested in this piece, I’m going to submit it for an article. Maybe it’s useful to more people?)
Lorie, thank you so much for the detailed reply!
Yes, that would make a great article.
So much of what you said fits my mindset already, it’s like you’re echoing strategies I’m already planning… as well as covering a couple of mistakes I’ve already made…
Shortly after me telling her, my wife came into the study where I was fully dressed. As I had told her everything, I didn’t think it was a big deal – and I certainly hadn’t intended for her to “catch” me, since she’d already suggested that I dress in the study.
Maybe she didn’t think I’d take her up on it so quickly, but the relief of being “out” was too much to bear – I had to be Laura for a while to celebrate.
But she made it obvious that she found it a shock, and not in any kind of good way.
I think that hampered any acceptance I might hope to get for the foreseeable future, although I still can’t fully get my head around the whys.
But what you’ve said makes so much sense, I will set a timeframe and some kind of event line, plan a strategy and give it a go.
My current work atmosphere is great, so I will think about to whom and when, and slowly release the information!
Really, really good information – thank you again!
Love Laura
Wow, my heart goes out to you! I hope this perspective is helpful to your relationship with your wife. I feel it is always important to be more concerned with the other person and their feelings than about my own.
I like what you said about telling a select number of people at work. This will create a network of allies, which are SO important going forward. I am currently working with HR departments to help establish a sense of safety for those allies. Keep in mind that they might support you in person, but if they don’t feel safe in the environment, they might feel divided. It sounds like your culture will support you.
Most importantly, it’s your decision. You can’t un-ring that bell.
Thanks for sharing Lorie. You are an inspiration to all of us. Proud of how brave and determined you are and I know it is not easy.
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