My inner battle, William v Esla

[Anonymous]

Hi all

Another journal entry I would like to share.

William had taken over the last few days and we went downhill. I could not break through until early this morning. Finally I rested back control. I had to reaffirm my femininity.

I am a female,

I embrace being female,

I love all things feminine.

I kept repeating this mantra for a few minutes after I woke up, before I got out of bed. My mood lifted immediately.

These are critical emotions for me to understand.

If William takes to much control and suppresses me we go into a funk and if I let that funk continue it will quickly turn into full blown depression, that blackness comes and with it the dark thoughts, we cease to live and simply exist

It is only when I take control that we come alive again. It is only I as Elsa do we

become whole, depression lifts and my thoughts are bright and well lit.

It is only as by me being female that I live and not simply exist.

I take great heart that when I take over and William fades we become a more complete person and I know that being female is the right path.

Hugs Elsa

[Dame Veronica Graunwolf]

Hi Elsa. I am concerned about you and your fellow “shoulder angles” as it were. What I say is out of concern and certainly “offense” is not intended here. Is there anything that you can think of that “triggers” William to take over? I would say that it seems like you have 2 sides engaging in a battle to take over you. If I can help, in any way,….do let me know. Although I am not  trained in the subject, I have read much about the topic of physcology and was an army medic and have much field experience with issues. Look forward to hearing more from you, we all need a good friend to talk with.

Hugs…… Lady Veronica.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lady Veronica

Thank you for your kind offer of help,

I am ok, I am seeing a wonderful psychologist that is helping me through this initial transition period. After the initial euphoria of finally accepting myself as female we expected a period/periods of doubt. William is my way of putting a name to that doubt. Journaling is my way of expressing my emotions and getting them out. As I have suffered depression most of my life I have a number of coping mechanisms that get me through some of the darkest times.

Although I have to say that after accepting my self as female I do not experience the same level of depression as before, it more just a normal down feeling from time to time and I only have to remind my self of my femininity and my spirits lift immediately. It is my belief that it was 60 years of suppressing my female aspect that it is at the root cause of my depression, as it has prevented me from living my life as my true authentic self.

Kisses Elsa

[Author]

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