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An entire lifetime, 67 years. Think about that, your entire life on this planet. A lifetime of milestones, of births and deaths, intense highs and painful lows. Love and loss, friends and family, all the things that make up our lives and make it worth living. For probably 60 years of my life I’ve struggled off and on with something I’ve kept buried so deep I’ve often thought it was gone forever. Of course it was never gone, this churning feeling that could reach deep into every part of my being and did a slow burn that sometimes bubbled over and I would be powerless to put a lid on it.
It would be naïve to think that most people don’t struggle with their inner thoughts. Feelings of inadequacy, anger issues, ability to forgive, loss of love in their lives, self image and on and on. I’m not sure anyone’s life is not filled with questions that they can’t answer. When I curse my inner conflict I’m confident that I’m not alone being without adequate answers.
And that brings us to transgenderism. There is no need to rehash the standard story of young boy tries on mom’s panties which alone tells us that many of us were pre-programmed with the desire to feel feminine. Whatever the trigger may have been its pretty clear that the feelings are strong enough that many of us risk marriages, relationships, friends and work in order to express who we are, whether that means presenting as a woman in public or under dressing or simply enjoying feeling feminine in the privacy of our homes. What is that we gain for ourselves, what reward awaits us for allowing ourselves the indulgence of more fully expressing who we are. What do we learn.
I’ve lived an entire life as a man and I have no regrets. I’ve married, had children, played sports, divorced, lived with a woman. Pretty standard stuff. I enjoy my role as head of household, running a business, preparing for retirement and loving my partner. It’s the role I was born into. Yet, here is the thing, I also am a woman, I accept that.
For me, and for many of you (based on the many postings I’ve read here) our journey to accepting our place on the transgender spectrum has evolved, ever so slowly, over a lifetime. If you’ve spent a lifetime experiencing varying degrees of gender confusion, moments that increased in frequency as we aged you’ve undoubtedly had bouts of denial and acceptance partially based on your own personal life situation. The question, do I deny this part of me and just keep it in the realm of daydreams, is that enough, or do I seek to explore these feelings more, perhaps in a more practical way by actually presenting as a woman and experiencing the joy that brings?
When we deny these feelings, which would certainly make life simpler, it seems to leave a gaping hole in our lives and a certain amount of regret for joys lost. It erects a wall between you and your SO when you understand that at a very human level you are not being honest with your SO about these feelings. How one navigates our relationships with our loved ones becomes so complicated that we resign ourselves to living life less fully. There are some I’m sure who would argue that denial is not a bad thing, that it shows inner strength, that we deny many things in our life that could affect others negatively. Yet, if your denial causes you personal pain and perhaps depression, which direction is the right one.
I’ve spent a lifetime in denial, at least for the majority of the time. There have been times in my life when I’ve found myself with some extra time on my hands, maybe a few days, maybe a week, when, after dreaming about what I will do with the time, I’ve indulged myself by creating a woman who semi-regularly goes out shopping enfemme. These times have become some of my most vivid memories over the years. Tinged with fear of discovery and an equal mix of validation by moving about the day as the woman I sometimes feel I am.
The epiphany in my life came several years ago when I said “No More”. No more fighting this losing battle that left me exhausted emotionally and psychologically. I decided to simply accept, without complete understanding, that I was transgendered. I came out to my SO who has offered a certain level of support for which I’m very grateful. We’re together and I don’t see that changing. Equally important to me is the truce achieved between denial and acceptance. I’m not ashamed to be who I am anymore. I’ve had these feelings all my life. Not sure I need much more proof than that. I’m a man who also enjoys feeling like a woman, presenting as a woman and then returning to the manhood I was born into. I’m transgendered.
It’s not hard to understand why so many of us keep this part of our lives a very carefully guarded secret. Much like homosexuals kept their own lives secret for centuries. We are a complicated lot. We identify with women on so many levels, to the point we ourselves wonder what it must feel like to move about the world as a woman, if only once in a while, to answer questions, questions about ourselves. Who are we?
I’m not sure there is an answer that fits with everyone. If you feel you’re transgendered on some level, if you start seeing a woman in the mirror, if only for a moment, if you feel the need to present in public, however you chose to do it, then I would argue you are transgendered, somewhere on that vague spectrum. Some of us accept that as their truth and choose to move forward incorporating that understanding into our lives. And of course others, for a million valid reasons, are unable to commit to how they feel, one way or the other.
An entire lifetime of denial. Seems kind of a waste in many ways and yet, I hurt no one, never broke a trust and have led what I hope has been a moral life. I know I put a scare into my SO when I came out and began to express my needs more clearly. I know it’s difficult for her to understand. She is generous in granting me time to explore while she visits family and is respectful of our changed lifestyle. I’m happier since the day I made the very conscience decision to be honest with myself.
My two takeaways. I’m a better person for having accepted my truth. I’ve cast away all the confusion and guilt and am better able to focus on what really matters in life rather than living on a mental roller coaster which at times distracted me from addressing more pressing matters. I’m more present now. And two, having accepted my truth I have been able to re-cast my relationship with my SO in a much more honest way. By opening up to my SO I allowed for a whole spectrum of truth between us. I’ve actually strengthened our relationship. Being transgendered has enriched my life.
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What a wonderful post. I do think enjoying my feminine side makes me a better person in every way. I wish I could just live this way in my community but unlike gay people that can live peacefully that is not possible here. To live as Sandy openly I would have to move. Yes I go out dressed sometimes in my small town but mostly go to a larger city. I envy you for being able to live your life as yourself.
Sandy
Thank you Sandy! It’s not all perfect but I’m in a good place in my life. I don’t stress about it anymore.
Robin
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Thank you for such a thoughtful well written post.
I too feel its a spectrum and not black or white. Everyone is different and the sooner we can accept ourselves just the way we are, and have been all our lives living with both male and female traits, the sooner we will find our personal peace. Its not an easy thing to do at all.
Its great you came out to your SO and she’s supportive. Its not easy being a CD.
Thank you Michelle. Self-acceptance is a powerful tool in finding peace with ourselves.
Robin
Nice a complete post!!!!
I’d like to add that is even more difficult to handle when I need to express my sexuality as a woman with our wifes.
My wife always said to me that I have a limit for mi pleasure in my sexual relations and of course I denied it because it was my level of excitement ( I never crossdressed until 5 years ago and just once in a coach sesion).
However when I came out discovered that Sonia is really a ” hot girl” with little limits, probably my female part was developed avoiding repression…. and I love it so much that , in this moment, I am not able to enjoy the male role in sex.
I am a female in the bed and I have to mixture my two sides in the bed if I want to keep my relationship.
Thank you Bobbi for the inspiration.
Kisses girls,
Sonia.
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