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A bit dramatic title but it’s quite accurate. I’ve been struggling with depression my entire adulthood and from the age of 30, arround when I got married, to 40 it became gradually worse. At the same time I was also happier than ever before as a husband and then father of three wonderful children. As I’m sure many of you know, depression is not the same as being unhappy, but for the last couple of years it made me more and more unhappy as well since it started to affect my relationship and my abillity to be a good father. At the end I had constant panic attacks and seldome the mental strength to actually do anything that required thought or concentration.
During my life I’ve just had a few times where I’ve cross dressed. My girlfriend dressed me up and put on make up and I didn’t mind and felt proud when she thought I made ‘a hell of a woman’. I didn’t ask her to repeat it after that, even though I now remember that I kind of wanted her to.
A couple of times during the last few years I did it when home alone, just for the kick of it but it wasn’t until late last year I realised it made me feel…not only good, but also fullfilled. It was as if there had been something missing that I accidentally filled without realising it. Earlier that year my wife had bought a new skirt, and I loved it. At first I didn’t even consider that I loved it for myself but rather for her to wear but then one day I put it on and it was like lightening struck.
It took a few months for me to tell my wife and it wasn’t as smoothe as I would have hoped but she is a wonderful person and once the fear of loosing something was subdued she gradually accepted it and then, when she noticed that my depression was better, she started to appreciate it.
After a few months my depression, that I had carried for more than two decades, was gone and I haven’t had a dark day since. Not that all days have been flowers and sunshine but the darkness, the mental fatigue, is gone, and I don’t see it coming back.
I’m still not open with my femenine side outside a small circle of close friends and my wife. I don’t wish for a 24/7 crossdressing or trans life and how far to the femenine I want to go varies from just putting on lipstick while staying unshaven to waxing my legs, skirt, high heels & padding to wishing I could be a woman for a day. It’s very fluent and if it were possible I would probably change my gender back and forth every so often, but it’s not.
Well, that’s me.
Hi Tam and welcome to CDH. I’m very glad you joined our happy little family. Have a look around the site and where you feel comfortable.
As someone who’s bipolar and distinctly remembers having a manic episode in the 6th grade the title of your post isn’t dramatic at all. I can’t tell you how happy I am for you that crossdressing has the huge impact on your depression that it does. Some of the girls here can understand what you’re talking about, especially those whose gender dysphoria is pretty bad. Sure it’s not a magic pill but as I’m sure you know, when something has that kind of effect you don’t take it for granted.
“It’s very fluent and if it were possible I would probably change my gender back and forth every so often, but it’s not.” Normally I’d kid you a little here but I hope you’ll understand why I’m not. The word you’re looking for is fluid, as in genderfluid. If you haven’t already done so look up genderfluid on a reputable site and then genderqueer and non-binary gendered. I have the strongest feeling that one of those, or maybe a combination of them, is going to give you an “aha!” moment you may not even see coming. 😉😎
Hi Tam, Teralynn here. Welcome to our wonderful online community. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Frankly, I am a bit surprised that more of our terrific members have not sent you a welcoming post. Few new members take the time to detail their crossdressing journey the way you have. You are to be applauded for putting it all out there for us to read. Also for letting your wife know about your crossdressing. I am sure it wasn’t easy opening up but it sure does solve all kinds of problems. I believe your depression was tied to something called “cell memory” which to put it shortly is when subconscious memories from a previous life or lives start interfering with the current life a person is living. There has been credible scientific work done in this area and if you are at all interested in the subject please send me a private message and put “Cell Memory” as the subject and I will send you some references that you can research at your leisure. The fact that your crossdressing has helped with your depression was an immediate flag for me that cell memory was involved. Be patient with your wife and any expansion of your crossdressing journey should be discussed with her before you undertake it. I am glad you found us and decided to become a member. There is nothing like talking to another crossdressing person when a problem in your crossdressing journey pops up. If I can ever be of service please feel free to contact me through this site and let me know how I can help. A post on my home profile page wall or a private message will get the fastest response. – Blessings to you and your wife
Fluid is indeed the word I meant to use. Being dyslexic I don’t always notice the bad autocorrects. Thanks for pointing it out in the best possible way and until I found the term genderfluid I didn’t really feel I fit any description. I’m going to take your advice and read up a bit more on gender queer and none binary gender. Thanks again for replying =)
I am currently dealing with depression on my own, since I have an unsupporting SO who wants nothing to do with.
Back at Christmas, she had asked for a skirt, size 18. So, I bought her two since I prefer her to be in them. Well, it ended up not fitting her, as she is a size 20/22 for them. Instead of returning it I tried it own and it fit perfectly. Now they are in my personal crate.
I agree Tam, the idea of changing gender back and forth sounds very appealing. At least having like a weekend to spend totally in fem is another dream. For me it would be kind of hollow and lonely to spend it alone. It would be preferable to spend that time with an SO or other close friend just going sight seeing or shopping. Best of luck on your journey.
xo Sandy xo
Hi Tam nice to meet you and congrats for wife being some what supportive its really a plus in any girls basket to have support and if its keeping you depression away keep doing it girlfriend . Mine wasent as bad as yours but there anyhow wife helped with suggesting that Stephanie come over from time to time she says my attitude is a whole lot better when Stephanie is around so I get to come over often not much chance of going out any where as too small of a community and family lives close so that cant be found out so I stay pretty much inside once in a while outside house as nearest neighbor is about 3 miles away so you watch for dust trails and listen for the traffic on the gravel which isn’t much only 1 neighbor east and 1 north of me so pretty quiet any how nice chatting with you .
Stephanie Bass
Hi Tam,
I can so relate to that feeling. When I have on drab male clothes my mood feels heavy and sad. But when I put on my Carla clothes I feel happy, lighter and the world is brighter.
Carla
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