Reply To: help ! partner to newly(ish) out CD

[Davida X]

Thank you Araminta

I really appreciate the time you have taken and all you have written

Don’t panic is great advice!

I agree that it was courageous to share CD with me and I expressed that , and have expressed that , to him. Part of the story is that he says that he had tried to tell me 2 times before and I responded negatively. I have absolutely no memory of this, which does not mean it didn’t happen but is very strange and would be out of character for me – I tend to be hyper aware of what others are saying or feeling.

I understand the secrecy but my feeling of mistrust is about the fact that this big thing was so hidden from me , that I was totally unaware of it – what else is hidden? How can I feel trust into the future- about many things- knowing this? I am holding both these feelings at the same time – compassion and understanding for the holding of the secret and the bravery in sharing it, and anger, betrayal and fear about what that means.

One of my dilemmas now is exactly what you said – what right do I have to be fully aware and informed ? he is saying that there are things he does not want to, or does not feel safe, to share. This is hard for me and also hard to know what is appropriate for me to ask for

Yes I probably don’t understand the drive / need to be feminine because it is not something I share, but that is ok for me – I can appreciate and understand that people have many different ways of expressing themselves. It’s more that the idea of ‘playing’ in this space – with whatever that might mean, high heels, make up, perfume – is not interesting to me. I’m not attracted to that ( not repelled by it ) . Not to say I am not attracted to women but those aspects of expression of femininity are not something that I personally enjoy ( and in fact as a feminist find challenging for women)

And yes, I guess there is a connecting between CD and depression but I also think it is not up to me to determine that – it is his call

There are issues for us with sex in general so this will of course be part of it. I really appreciate this forum as a way of thinking about that.

Any other thoughts are so welcome