I empathize with the situation between your ears. I enjoy crossdressing but I’m ashamed of it at the same time.
My wife knows and encourages me to dress. She even recommends I come out to our four children. I told her, “ I don’t want to be a dad/grandad in a dress”
Being normal would be easier, but I’d miss the intense pleasure I get from crossdressing so the emotional roller coaster continues.