Hi Taylor, welcome to the safest site for discussing crossdressing and transgender issues that there is online. I have been a life-long crossdresser but just came out to my wife this summer after being married for nearly 40 years! My wife has gone from empathetic, to scared, to angry, and now gradually to being somewhat supportive.
You are a strong and uncommon woman to have been okay with your husband’s “other half”. My wife has had to deal with similar issues. I haven’t been seeking as much sexual gratification or using sex toys outside our bedroom. But we crossdressers have been experts at hiding our feminine sides and it’s difficult to really open up. Partly out of habit, but also b/c we don’t want to lose self-esteem. That’s why crossdressing is so insidious and so damaging when it is being hidden away.
In your case, there could be more that your husband wants to explore (or has already), but as long as you can both talk openly in respect and seeking to understand and be understood, you may find new opportunities for emotional intimacy. Perhaps he wants to try different things with you but is afraid to ask.
Just like you feel scared and insecure, I’m sure (from my own experience) that he is feeling those things too. For me personally, when my wife asks about it with the tone and attitude of trying to learn more, I’m very open. When she has the tone or stance of accusing me or suspicious of me, then I clam up or make excuses. I’m terrified that she’ll leave and I’ll have messed up everything good, in trying to be a whole person and be vulnerable.
Please lean in to other SOs here and get their take. Many wives and GFs are negative or neutral while others are positive and even embracing. Every viewpoint is valuable since we don’t know what may be a positive or negative trigger in our own relationship. I hope you can find the support you need here and that your husband can learn to rely on you for his emotional and physical support, instead of resorting to toys. I know you must feel even more betrayed by those actions and I personally think you have a legitimate reason to be upset about that. But until he opens up about what he’s thinking, it will be hard to resolve it. Feel free to PM me or if he is willing, your husband can also. I’m not hiding anymore!