Such a difficult situation, to which I can relate only too well. Nothing grieves me more.
It is such a shame we cannot be accepted for who we are, to the extent of having to give up our marriage if we choose to express our authentic selves. Most partners manage to find boundaries within which they can operate without having to make such a difficult life decision, but perhaps 25% of wives cannot reach any acceptance level and/or won’t even try. Mine was in that camp. I truly appreciate and share your grief and the heart-wrenching decisions you face.
I really hope you are able to succeed or that, perhaps in time, your wife will allow you freedom of expression within limits she can tolerate.
I have, over time, gathered excellent resources which help many couples better understand and accept this situation and am happy to share if it helps. I separate resources according to whether objections stem from religious grounds or are more generalized. For the general audience I especially recommend a documentary presented by Katy Kourec on PBS a few years ago “The Gender Revolution” as I recall. Morgan Freeman has some thought-provoking videos on a series “Through the Wormhole”, covering subjects such as ‘Are there more than two sexes?” and some other topics which appeal to the scientific, research-oriented mind, showing many examples in nature of phenomena which may seem abnormal to many but are in fact quite natural and common.
I worked with a Methodist-ordained preacher, Linda Herzer, who felt called to reach out to the TG community and left her MCC pulpit to start a consulting firm “Transformation Journeys” which helps inform and accredit counselors in these areas. Her original focus was on transsexuals, but she had a very inquiring mind and shifted focus to recognize the often differing mindset and needs of a broader group of crossdressers. She wrote a fantastic, tremendously insightful book which is especially informative to the faith-oriented community who have issues in this area. She cites many Biblical references which show the importance and inclusion of the TG community throughout history, from the very beginning and extending even to actions of Christ and His apostles… examples plain as day but seldom noticed.
If anyone feels such resources or discussions of this nature could potentially benefit their situation, please send me a PM.