Thank you for sharing. I absolutely understand what you are feeling. As many of the girls here, I have been exploring female clothing and undergarments from a very young age (4-5). For decades, I repressed this feeling and dismissed it as just a ”fetish”. Until about 3 years ago (I’m 53 now!), when I started dressing fully and having this urge to be seen! Before, it was the opposite…hiding, feeling guilty, shame…but then it just became so enjoyable, free and…the best description I can come up with is…it felt ”right”! About 6 months ago…I decided to ”come out” at work. Granted…there is almost no one here in the building…but still! I started simply with wearing heels…which then moved to wearing skirts…and finally…fully dressed and made up! My colleagues have been very supportive and understanding. It’s been liberating! However…my female self stops at the office door. My ”virtual” colleagues also do not know about this and I dress only waist down on days I know I have video calls.
I am still hiding this from my wife, kids and family. Only my best friend (and my therapist!) know about this. So I do live a ”double life”. Female at work…male at home. I can tell you that I look forward in going to work every morning. I plan my outfits in my head throughout the weekend. Once at work…I find it terribly hard to leave! After a few days at home…I am getting feelings of withdrawal! Sometimes I almost wish I could just wear a pair of panties at home…but that would be too risky. However…just as you said…I don’t think about it much when I keep busy. I love renovations and do a lot of work around the house. I love power tools and my tractor and do feel completely at ease doing ”manly” things. I will share with you some wisdom my therapist told me…that I now keep as my mantra…
”Especially in today’s world, there are no parameters, guidelines or ”rules” that define how you express your gender. (In my case) It can feel right to express yourself as a women at work and be comfortable and happy, while also being a man at home with your wife and kids and friends. One doesn’t have to exclude the other. It’s not about ”I’m I a women…or am I a man..am I in transition…or is this a phase? Is this all in my head…or are there repressed feelings I must let go? You don’t need an definitive answer to those questions to be happy. If it’s enjoyable…then let yourself ”enjoy”. It’s as simple as that!”.
I have found that letting myself ”enjoy” without guilt or shame (both as a man or women), while difficult to do, is what has provided me more clarity. Discussing with a therapist also has been very useful. Living as a man for so long (and from a generation that still promoted men as strong and unemotional types), I have kept so many feelings and experiences repressed. Letting myself be happy, and accepting who I am has made me a better person…both as a man and as a women.
I am looking forward in hearing more about your story. Believe in yourself and let yourself ”enjoy”. I’ll be in your corner rooting for you!
All the best! xoxo