First, let me say that I love all the answers you’ve received here. There is so much wisdom and experience in this group of women who can help you down whatever path you end up choosing.
My persective on your question is a bit different though from some of the answers you’ve already received, and it’s this. No, who you are is not a choice. This is who you are, and who you were born as. Whether you realized it early in life like I did, or came to it later on in life doesn’t really matter. You are who you are. Like genetics, there’s certain things about who you are that you really can’t change, no matter how much you may try.
However, that being said, how you respond to the situation you currently find yourself in IS a choice.
You made several comments (“I loved the woman I was becoming on hormones. My loved ones, life loves me as a man. Do I choose them or I? I have a choice right now before me, Do I go back on hormones again?…. Or is this really a choice?“, “ I honestly wish I can stay a “normal” man, especially for all those beautiful past love relationships I once enjoyed and eventually destructed.“, etc.) that indicate your confusion over this matter. I think we’ve all been there. I know that I have. While I never took the next step and began hormone treatments or move towards transitioning, I did realize that if I had come to understand myself and who I really felt I was when I was much younger, I probably would have transitioned.
But as the saying goes, that was then, this is now.
That’s why I said that the real choice is how you respond to your situation. Don’t let it make the decision for you.
I’m not going to compare my situation to yours, as I’m not you and have not walked your path. All I can tell you is that the only choice you really have is how you choose to respond to your current situation. And the good thing is, just because you make a choice one way right now doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t change your mind at some point in the future and make a different choice.
Those of us who are anywhere on the transgender spectrum all have different paths that we take, we all have different decision points that come up in our lives, and we all have to make decisions. There isn’t always a clear or obvious choice or path either, sometimes you just have to make a decision, move forward, and hope for the best. Like I said, you can always change your mind.
You also have to decide what is important to you. Your individual happiness and peace, that of your loved ones, or maybe something in between those two. I don’t know, only you know that.
Gabrielle, I know you are searching and I know you’re confused. Take advantage of the collective wisdom here, because we’re all here to support one another. If it helps, I’m always available to talk further.