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  • #646523
    Darcy Grigsby
    Participant
    Registered On: July 1, 2020
    Topics: 31
    Replies: 193
    Has thanked: 54 times
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    A lot has been said of wives being upset with the crossdressing spouse when they come out or worse are caught. It stems from the idea that the crossdresser has been withholding, concealing, lying, etc. about this aspect of their lives. A willful and intentional deceit. It often is willful and intentional – it certainly is within my relationship.

    You see, when I met my wife a little over 10 years ago crossdressing wasn’t in my mind. It was something that had popped up occasionally since I was prepubescent, but I hadn’t engaged in it nor thought about in a very long time so there didn’t seem to be a reason to bring it up while we were dating. I had no idea the desire was just in a deep hibernation. Then around two years ago the stress of our new covid world came to weigh on me and crossdressing emerged as a welcome escape. However, this time it came with much stronger desired than ever before. And the desire/need demanded more than a pair of panties or some stockings. No it wanted the full head to toe outfit!

    This was was a powerful force and the relief it brought to my stressful world was bliss. But it didn’t fit too well in the life and family I had built since the last time it presented itself. In fact it hasn’t fit at all except in secret from the person I love and care for the most.

    So my realization isn’t that I keep all of this secret entirely from shame or embarrassment (that does play a part though). No I conceal and hide out of what I feel is a duty to protect my wife from the pain I feel this would inflict on her if I were to come out. It is kept in the dark because of love. That may be misguided as I don’t know what her true reaction would be, though I have a strong sense that it would be crushing for her.

    I crossdress to love myself and honor my needs, and I conceal to maintain the love I have for my wife.

    I wish there were a better way to reconcile the two…

Viewing 8 reply threads
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    • #647454
      Saleena Andrews
      Lady
      Registered On: May 14, 2022
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 24
      Has thanked: 47 times
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      As someone who just came out to his wife, I can tell you that you aren’t doing the right thing by not telling her and thinking that you are protecting her. She doesn’t need protection, what she needs is your honesty.

      In my case, and with so many others, my wife and I are now working towards a new normal. However, she’s made it clear that she is angry and feels betrayed for not telling her. She’s also made it clear that she won’t be able to forgive me for quite some time. The last thing you want is regret.

      Saleena

    • #646813
      Emily Alt
      Duchess - Annual
      Registered On: August 24, 2019
      Topics: 14
      Replies: 787
      Has thanked: 650 times
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      This is a heavy burden to carry for the rest of your life.  Realize that you will always have inner conflict, and it will take it’s toll on your mental health.  I would encourage you to get into gender therapy now.  Best of luck to you.

      Emily

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #646600
      Deborah Sullivan
      Lady
      Registered On: February 27, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 910
      Has thanked: 4203 times
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      I maybe unpopular but  I see your point and totally agree with your reasonings. Reminds me of the old Ingmar  Bergman film the lie. Sometimes the truth not be told if there is little to accomplish. Protecting their emotions and all is noble. Thank goodness I never married lol

    • #646591
      Lara Tucker
      Lady
      Registered On: September 29, 2021
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 860
      Has thanked: 19042 times
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      Hi Darcy,

      I’m having theses very same thoughts recently myself. I’m going back and forth about it. It is quite the conundrum as you have said.
      I think in my case I’ll have to sooner than later. The feelings I’m having are too strong to hide from. I know I will get caught sooner or later anyway. That seems like it would be much worse! I also feel creepy hiding my stash away like a troll or something.
      I don’t have children to consider though, that  certainly makes the decision a lot tougher!

      I wish you the best whatever you decide!

      💕Lara

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #646579
      Zenn
      Lady
      Registered On: April 4, 2022
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 9
      Has thanked: 26 times
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      I think the “secret” is much more destructive than the Crossdressing.  It undermines the trust between the couple.  It leads to the speculation of if you have successfully kept something as major as cross dressing hidden what else could/is there hidden.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #646587
        Krissy
        Lady
        Registered On: June 4, 2021
        Topics: 0
        Replies: 376
        Has thanked: 669 times
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        Yep 100% that the secret is destructive! Some women assume that its a sexual thing? 99% of the time its not id say in my expression of the way i dress. Dressing in the other genders clothes is different for everyone that does it. Myself ive always felt that im not a male and im better off being as femme as i can, i still fancy females but i don’t th think that makes me anything other than someone who likes to dress a women, i do dress 24/7 as a female but thats just down to being more at home in a skirt than being a macho man as thats something ive never been and god forbid i never ever want to be like that. Ive just found it easier to relate to the female world rather than the male world as thats something ive never felt part of and in fact i found the whole male world a minefield and was never part of it or interested in any part of it as i find it deeply disturbing, as i can remember back in the 80s being picked on because of my failure to intergrate into the male world,ive just never had any interest in male topics? And took no notice of anything that need a male opinion, most of the bio males i knew i found them to be deeply disturbing on there thoughts on females and therefore saw no need to speak to them.ive always had different views to normal bio males and tend to get on better with females whether they are bio or like us xx

        4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #646574
      MacKenzie Alexandra
      Managing Ambassador
      Registered On: May 20, 2016
      Topics: 43
      Replies: 652
      Has thanked: 173 times
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      Darcy,

      i do understand the conundrum of which you speak.  I had buried my own feelings about crossdressing after I was outed as a teenager.  I had been in full denial of those very feelings for more than a decade when I married my wife.  It was only in the months before our ninth anniversary that i had allowed myy feelings to surface again, and began to explore them in depth.

      For me, there was never any debate about disclosing this information to my wife.  Our relationship had always been built on being honest with each other, and being open about our feelings.  However, that did not make sharing with my wife any easier.  It took me almost three months to find the couragem, and go through with that conversation.  I lost count how many times that I had chickened out over those months.

      I was scared of how she would react, and of the impact it would have on our relationship.  Yet, keeping it secret from my wife was also having its own reprucssions on my health.  The stress was slowly affecting me day over day.  When I was able to share with my wife about my preference for feminine attire, she shared that she had been aware of the stress that I was facing (though she had assumed it was fininacial in origin).  She was days away from forcing it out me.

      I will be honest.  My wife was angry with me when I did disclose to her.  However, it was not my preferene for and desire to wear feminine attire about which she was angry.  Her anger lied with my having kept these feelings a secret from her.  Like I had said earlier, our relationship had always been built on honesty, and being open with each other about our feelings.

      MacKenzie Alexandra

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #646570
      Krissy
      Lady
      Registered On: June 4, 2021
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 376
      Has thanked: 669 times
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      Yes some women feel betrayed and some dont? I suppose its a big thing if your hiding that one prefers to dress as a woman? Back in the day it could of been a certain divorce! But these days its no big deal in some relationships? Like i know many bio women that dislike men with body hair,like my last 2 serious relationships would say ” can you please lose the body hair” my last serious relationship would even make a point of waxing all the bits i couldnt reach! Which was handy for myself as i Always like to be smooth as i hate body hair dunno just makes me feel unclean

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #646545
      Michelle McQueen
      Lady
      Registered On: June 14, 2021
      Topics: 25
      Replies: 1298
      Has thanked: 8119 times
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      Ahh… the CD dilemma. There is no easy way to handle our lifestyle and we have to do individually what we think is best in bringing the least amount of disruption to our and others lives.

      Many, and maybe the majority of CD’s, live in secret and never tell anyone. I hid my secret for over three decades until my feelings were so strong that I could no longer live that way.

      I was prepared for a separation but luckily, after a stormy few months, my wife decided the life we had built was more important than me putting on a few female clothes. We have found a balance that works for us both and she has said she does not want to know anymore than necessary so we have a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) relationship and it works for us.

      So my point is that you don’t have to tell your SO at all but keep things private. No one is forcing you out at the moment. You do run the risk of her finding out on her own but you’re doing that now so you have to decide if you want the possibility of a blow up sometime later, or do you want to go ahead and create a blow up now? Think about how your SO might react and what the consequences could be… is it worth it to confess? You have to be prepared.

      Everyone is different and only you can decide whats best for you and yours. Good luck sister.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #646526
      Gabriela Romani
      Managing Ambassador
      Registered On: January 11, 2021
      Topics: 953
      Replies: 454
      Has thanked: 393 times
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      Darcy,

      I definitely can relate to all you are saying.

      However, my experience both with my wife and talking with many wives of other CDs is that the argument “I’m not telling her to protect her” will not be found acceptable, in particular because that protection involves a high, almost monumental degree of deception, which will make the “protection argument” sound anywhere from childish to absurd.

      Of course, I may be wrong. In any case, only you (and her) will have to live with the consequences either way.

      Good luck!

      • #646559
        Betty Rockwell
        Baroness
        Registered On: March 9, 2022
        Topics: 14
        Replies: 76
        Has thanked: 226 times
        Been thanked: 644 times

        If my husband had said that to me (once I began asking hard questions) I would have scoffed at it and been more pissed at the moment. I think later on I would consider it a more reasonable statement but in the moment I don’t believe that would go over well. I think “I didn’t know how you would react” would be a better statement to begin with.

        5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #646534
        Darcy Grigsby
        Lady
        Registered On: July 1, 2020
        Topics: 31
        Replies: 193
        Has thanked: 54 times
        Been thanked: 1104 times

        I sensed there was a fallacy lurking as I was typing that out, but wasn’t sure where it was. Hmmm another misguided notion on my part…

        There really isn’t a way out of this box without the possibility of either receiving pain or inflicting it.

        I could purge and push this out of my life, but would hurt myself in the process.

        I could continue to conceal, but live with the guilt and knowledge that I’m not being honest. Again hurting myself.

        I could come out and potentially destroy a marriage and a family with young kids. That hurts everyone and may make this all public. Or there is the slimmest of chance it would be ok.

        Quite the conundrum.

        • #646562
          Betty Rockwell
          Baroness
          Registered On: March 9, 2022
          Topics: 14
          Replies: 76
          Has thanked: 226 times
          Been thanked: 644 times

          I see how happy the smallest things make my husband and I would have missed that if I had called him a greasy pervert and made him throw his things away. Seeing that happiness in him makes me feel that much more sad for those of you that are hiding and afraid of the potential fallout. It is unusual but life is just too short to not live your best self. Maybe I could start a consulting/support business where you can give them my card and tell them to talk to Betty:)

          Hugs,
          Betty

          • #646567
            Darcy Grigsby
            Lady
            Registered On: July 1, 2020
            Topics: 31
            Replies: 193
            Has thanked: 54 times
            Been thanked: 1104 times

            Could be lucrative Betty if enough of us could screw up the courage 😉

            1 user thanked author for this post.
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