Ashley in Lexington, KY

[Ashley Newberry]

Good evening from the Bluegrass!

My name around here is Ashley, but I don’t necessarily identify as a woman, even when I am en femme. The boundary lines are so hazy anyway, but I’m exploring all the different dimensions of how my gears turn. I’m 33, married to a supportive-from-a-distance wife, which is more than I could ever ask. I have two sons, 5 and 2, who are my world, but do not know and I suspect will never know.

I’ve been interested and involved in crossdressing in one form or another for as long as I can remember. In my youth that involved stealing my older sister’s clothes. My parents found some of her stuff in my room a few times and I poorly explained it away. Their responses created my first shame-based memories of my crossdressing, which of course didn’t make it stop.

In college and after I spent a good amount of money purchasing women’s shoes off eBay, then purging and regretting then blah blah blah. I know now that’s common. I thought for the longest time that I wanted to be a woman, except that I really enjoy being a man, just a man who loves dressing femininely. My closest model would probably be Eddie Izzard. I love that man.

Through reading Mark Yarhouse I came to the realization that I’m not actually interested in being a woman; I just love crossdressing. What that means and what value it has, that I’m still investigating. Over the last few months, my wife and I had some incredibly conversations where her heart and ears were truly open to hear about my experience, my desires, my confusions, and she gave me no shame, just room to explore what this means for me. Some days I want it to go away. Other days I daydream about going to restaurants and baseball games completely dressed up.

My wife works evenings a couple nights a week so after the boys are in bed and my bedroom is locked I have a few hours to dress up. From the neck up I’m all dude but I have ambitions of sporting styles that will make switching modes much easier. Though I really will miss my fantastic beard. I have a life where pierced ears and long hair won’t be a problem at all. I’m lucky in that regard.

I’m thankful to have found this community as I have many more questions than answers, but that also seems par for the course. I would love to answer any questions y’all might have for me, as you are likely further down the road than I am. Thanks for reading!

Ashley

[Anonymous]

Greetings Ashley;

I too am a male who has no desire to to transgender, but simply gets a true joy and thrill in dressing up in women’s lingerie of various sorts. I’m very new to openly expressing my deep feminine nature, and thus have found CDH to be a real treasure. I have gone through 2 marriages, in part to my crossdressing and perceived need to keep it secret.

I can’t say how much the people and resources of CDH have been a help. Hope to meet you in the chat room, or a group, or a forum.

Erica

[Dame Veronica Graunwolf]

Hi Ashley!  Thank you for your interesting story. You are definitely sitting on the fence, not knowing which way to go. I would suggest that you explore various internet sites, chat with people at CDH and read as many books as you can find, especially psychology books on cross-dressing/transgenderism.

But, bear in mind, if you transgender, you can never go back, physically. Oh, you can dress male and make-up any facial changes and be ok, actors and public figures do it all the time.  You can wear lingerie under your clothes and still play the male/female roles and dress up at home. Your kids are too young right now to know but once they become teenagers they will understand and knowing to-days kids…..they will be accepting.

Your big battle right now is trying to know what to do. It would not hurt to talk to a psychologist or Family therapist about your feelings.  Perhaps you could contact the Gay/Lesbian group….they can be a huge source of referrals and information, after all they have talked the talk, and walked the walk. Remember….you are unique…..your desires and feelings are your own, no-one else is the same. All the advice in the world can help with suggestions, but only you can know yourself, the whys, the where and the how of you.

I wish you luck on your search for the truth……….if I can help, do let me know.  Best of fortune and luck.

Lady Veronica Graunwolf.

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