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Hi ladies,
I was just wondering how some of you deal with or have dealt with some of the bad feelings that arise occasionally from all of this?
I have a loving, accepting and fully supportive SO and sometimes I feel she is more ok with Melinda then I am. She has broken me of the bin and purge cycle but when I feel bad, ashamed or guilty for being like this I want to run away from it as fast and as far as I can get. Only to find myself wanting to be dressed up again sometimes 5 minutes after I’ve taken everything off.
It’s like a love hate relationship. I love it a million times more then I hate it but it does take me to some low dark places. I’m sorry if this isnt the right place for this and that it turned into a novel. I’m just feeling a little lost atm.
Melinda
Hi Melinda. I know what you mean. The pink fog can play havic with your emotions. Maybe take a break for awhile. DO NOT PURGE. It is a very confusing thing at times. I don’t pretend to understand it, just go with the flow. Ive been in that dark place and damn near took myself out. Hang in there, it does pass but it does come and go. Been dressing for 48 years now and been there many times .. All the best. Mikayla
My dear Melinda….I am sorry that you are experiencing these on and off again feelings. It really sounds like you are experiencing the highs and lows of bi-polar depression. My I be so bold as suggesting you see a gender psychologist at least once and see what they have to say about this? What does your wife think about this. Do give this issue some thought….it could not hurt and who knows maybe it can be sorted out. All my best…..chat me up if you wish to talk to me about it.
Best wishes…….
Dame Veronica
I’ve spent years trying to deal with the secrecy, the fact that society seemed to think of what I do as shameful, dirty, perverse. There was that horrible feeling that someone will find out who will react badly. And because of the negativity sometimes I’d look in the mirror and wonder what the hell am I doing, I look awful, what’s the point of doing this. Stop now.
Having suffered from depression in the past (for varying reasons) I can only really suggest the things that have helped me. Talk to people (online will do) about anything: human connections are good. Go for a walk (if you have somewhere nice) : spending time out of the house and watching other people buzz around can be a great distraction. Do something else you enjoy for a while. And perhaps bizarrely, have a damn good cry: it can be very healing.
Take care,
Jasmine
Thank you so much for the advice. It really means a lot. It has given me a lot to think about.
The feeling comes and goes, nothing in particular I can think of brings on the bad thoughts. I guess sometimes just if im not having a good day in general, that can bring anything down though lol. Sometimes I feel bad for my wife because what I thought was just a fetish is turning me from her knight in shinning armor to the damsel in distress. I also know I dont have to much support 99% of people I know would not be accepting. I know a few people who are but we all have to many mutual friends or they know my family for me to say anything.
My wife has been a terrific help in this journey. I think with her help and the help of all the lovely ladies here I will be able to learn to fully accept myself. I used to ignore the bad thoughts or let them really get me down or make me want to stop dressing only for me to want to be dressed up again shortly after. I am happy with it and enjoy everything about it 95% of the time. So instead of running from these feelings I’m trying to learn to let them pass because I know this is who I am and who I am supposed to be, I just need to learn to fully accept that I guess
Melinda
Hi Melinda,
Wow . It is like you are telling My Story. I know all about these bad feelings. Your Right they just seem to come out of No where . My Wife Accepts me and has helped me with several things. I have been out Several times to various places Friendly bars and also Starbucks with no problem except for my own nerves. I feel great after wards and think wow I am really taking Great Steps. And then out of no where the negative stuff comes and all kinds of crap starts going through my head. One being. ( maybe One day I will Find out I am really a woman and what will happen to my Life Then. ) This is just one Example. I should mention I do have an Anxiety problem and I am finding out it is amazing the things we as humans can Obsess about. I am sure this makes it difficult to except my self. But like you I know this is what I have to do. Like your self I just try to let the Negative scary thoughts be with my Mindfulness Practise. after all thoughts are just Thoughts. But it is some times extremely Difficult. I just went through A two week period of this. But I am feeling a lot better Now. And I am ready to dress Again and to day I am going to try to go for waxing. and may be to Star bucks this evening. My Lovely wife helped me last night add blush as part of my make up. I am very Blessed. I just have to forge a head in my Acceptance. I do find though for my self That Every time I go through The Negative Stuff and come back to Dressing I feel more determined than ever to find that Acceptance. I guess we could compare to trying to find a needle in hay stack. If we keep Digging and never give up. we find that love and Acceptance of our selves. ( All parts of our selves. ) I just love your Post I found it So Helpful.
Hugs,
Amanda
I’m sorry my first post is sort of negative and I write novels. About a month ago I finally came to terms with what I thought would be one of my greatest fears that I might be trans. Once I allowed myself to actually think and accept that fact I felt a lot better about everything. I talked to my wife about it and she is still fully supportive but I still get those thoughts from time to time. I doubt I will ever fully transition but just learning to love and accept myself will keep me out of the dark cloud lol.
Melinda
Melinda, we’ve all been there so don’t sweat it, that’s what we’re here for, to support and comfort each other. I tortured myself for many years, I don’t know how many thousands of dollars of clothes, shoes and accessories I’ve thrown out and told myself, I’m never going to do that again. Yeah right! Then you’re walking through a mall and you see something and oh my god, I’m like an alcoholic locked in a liquor store.
You have to accept yourself. I just said to myself one day this is what I am so you may as well enjoy it. Just think, I’m a good person, I’m not hurting anyone and look at this as a gift. I like to think it makes me a more open and receptive person as I can look at things through the eyes of a man and a woman.
Relax and love yourself and don’t worry about writing novels. You think you can ramble, you haven’t seen nothing yet. Just get me going on something I’m passionate about. Pull up a chair it’s going to be a while. lol
You take care and if you get down send me a private message and we’ll talk. Heather.
I could have wrote that post a few years ago. I actually purged all my things twice, and that was expensive! I finally decided that this is who I am, and I am very proud of who I have become. Now I just try to keep improving. Sometimes it helps to take some time off from this world though, it makes it even more enjoyable when we come back.
Hi Ladies,
I’ve purged many times over the years and have lost some great clothes because of it, but now it’s different. Since I discovered I can “hybrid” dress its seems easier however……………..I’ve been in ‘hybrid” mode all weekend, had a few stares and was anxious about running into people I know, but for the most part it felt great to be “out”. I was with my SO as well, and she at first was giving me an odd look. I was thinking all along about her and wondering, “is she too afraid of us running into people we know?”, “is she somewhat embarrassed about being with me in public, the way I’m dressed?” I was/am feeling bad about this.
My “hybrid” mode now consists of woman’s jeans, always on weekends, the tighter and skinnier the better, wearing panties underneath, SO doe not know about those, and sometimes a cammie under my shirts, and now my femme shoes, darling low cut women’s loafers. It was these more than anything along with the skinny jeans that were just above the ankle, that caused most of the stares. But it felt good. Just waiting to see what if anything SO says, and have real mixed feelings about going out looking a little more femme each time.
I can’t (nor do I want to) turn back or purge again.
That is a situation I have heard and read from many here . I’ve notice that how long a person has been doing this shows how common this does happen. Theses thoughts to me haven’t really shown itself at least I thought . As I’m somewhat new in our love in dressing , still on that emotional high but have entertained at times thoughts of my wife’s take on this. So yes in a way feelings of uncertainty , touches of shame and guilt cross my mine . she at times see this in me but always assures me she’s fine with it , “were fine being together , but you got to know in your good with it” .It helps and steers me back but with so many years of past habits being male we find making changes hard to accept.Were always self conscience of what others may think especially from someone close. , learn to stop doing this would certainly help. Dark places are not to where we want to be , shine a light on ones self and that’s where we feel an ever glow in ourselves.
Melinda hi read your post and I myself had those kind of feelings and everybody is different. But as I stated here on site in some of my communications, topics, chat. I really believe that I have found myself now I gave into it just accepted it but it took a long time looking at my previous episodes life I.e why did I dress and my feelings about cross dressing or needing to. I came to this sight seeking more conclusions and I am pretty sure I have found an answer.
But these are only my thoughts I also have Aspergers syndrome which makes life interesting so if my heart felt attempt in basically trying to help seems of centre forgive me. Just accept my support and friendship and know if you want to chat message I’ll be there for both of you. Deborah.
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