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Hey girls!
I apologize up front for the long read. The reason I’m writing this kind of has 2 reasons to it. Part of me just wants to rant and get this off my chest since I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days. And the other part of me wants to know your genuine responses and thoughts on the matter. I would love to have a GG respond to this as well, but I think this more more geared towards the other girls and that’s why I posted here.
Last week I fully admitted to my gf that I used to cross dress and that I missed it and would do it again if given the chance and she totally jumped on board with it. Nothing but support and non-judgmental questions and just wanted information. Setting the foundation between us really, things like my fem name, when I want to be called Jamie, how often I wanted to dress, where I get clothes and shoes…etc. Even going as far as doing my makeup for the first time over the weekend and letting me try on her clothes and the freedom to express myself. When I go to her place it’s like a whole new world and freedom to express myself and dress how I want to there is no judgement at all. Just all around perfect for a CD who is in a relationship with a GG.
When I saw her again on Monday and we talked about going out to eat she wondered if I was going to change and have her and Jamie go out. This made me really nervous because Jamie has never been in public but my gf was really supportive if I wanted Jamie to go. Nothing wrong with that, totally awesome, once again, having a gf who is that supportive and all. But a small battle started happening inside of me that hasn’t really stopped.
When Jamie goes out I want to be as passable as can possibly be. To the point that no one can tell, like most of us here I’m sure. But I’m a realist and I know that my wig is from a Halloween store & was $20. It’s OK…but not perfect.
I don’t have makeup that matches my skin and I don’t know how to contour to make my jawline thinner and more feminine, it’s OK…but not perfect.
I don’t have breast forms that are glued on and blend in with my skin, nor do I have a chest plate that would allow me to have natural looking cleavage, the bounce, uniform color across my chest…I actually don’t have any breast forms at all right now. And the ones I am ordering are less than $75 and they are just OK…not perfect.
I don’t have an hour glass figure and I’m about 70 lbs over my ideal weight, more like 6 inches away from my ideal waist. I do have long slender fingers that look great with press on nails, and my legs are a nice shape in heels and smooth when shaved. And I have been blessed with a nice round butt that looks good in jeans or a dress and I can hide my bits easily enough to have a smooth front. I have some body features that look OK…but it’s not perfect.
I think you see where I’m going with this now. When Jamie goes out, is OK enough or do I need to try and reach that almost unattainable perfect look? I’m not going to get breast augmentation, or laser hair removal, or loose 70 lbs in a week. I live in Las Vegas where people see anything and everything out here and I’m not going to shock anyone with something they haven’t seen or encountered before.
So my battle is between OK and perfection. Perfection is not going to happen for me at all, but it’s also a good excuse I can use to stay inside my comfort zone but not feel completely free to experience Jamie and let her have some time out. Being OK with what little I can do would give Jamie that freedom, my gf would be right by my side supporting me the entire time, and wouldn’t push me too far. And even though no one would be staring, laughing and pointing at me I just now that everyone would be staring, laughing and pointing at me!
Have any of you girls had this battle go on inside you? Did you decide between perfection or just OK? Thank you for taking the time to read this and reply. You are all wonderful and beautiful and I love you all!
Jamie💋💋
I’m 6’3, 170lbs. With ok makeup job( getting better).Nice hourglass figure. With 2-3 inch heels and long slender legs. I rock a lbd. I don’t pass, but I do look great. And the guys who are interested know exactly who I am. I voted “look good “.
Jamie,
just have fun and enjoy life live in the moment. If it makes you happy do it.
vanessa
Hi Jamie
First hun. You go out for you. Have fun. To heck what others think.
Second. Get out and enjoy your wonderful fem side. Embrace it. Let your soul be what it always wanted to be. A free fem soul…
Hugs
Natasha💋
I think it’s great your girl not just supports you but wants to encourage you to go out. I introduced my wife to Patty a couple of weeks aftew we met. she encouraged me to go out with her as Patty. We did that often and became girlfriends. We both had a tendency to dress sexy and did get lots of looks. I was a lot younger then, to so pulling off a sexy look was much easier.
I’ve met and socialized with many CD’s over the years. In a couple of groups we discussed going out, building courage and confidence and whether we could be passable. I think for many of us CD’s being passable is being pretty. It was pointed out in several instances that a lot of genetic woman are not passable by our standards.
Dress your best, look as good as you can, if you don’t want to stand out so much then dress to blend in. While I know from experience that it can be so scary but so much fun and exciting to go out dressed in shiny pantyhose, sexy stilettos, very short dress, nice breasts and pretty hair, that is not exactly blend in attire, although once the desire to dress and go out becomes stronger, it’s a thrill and rush like nothing else.
So start small, a little at a time, get out be careful where you go and enjoy. Good luck.
Thanks Patty! I think my goal right now is to dress to blend. I’m sure not even half of the people will even pay attention like I think they will. It’s more just a mental thing for me and once I do it the first time it’ll get easier each time afterwards. Mini skirts and stilettos are always fun, of course, but those are for the club. A nice summer dress or something conservative is better for lunch or dinner with my gf.
Jamie💋💋
I once read a quote from JoAnn Roberts that she didn’t care if someone said “Hey, that’s a guy in a dress.” But she would be mortified if someone said “Doesn’t he look awful?”
I think that’s a pretty good attitude. Polish before passing.
-Jen
Very good questions, Jamie; here is my take: I want to pass…but what I really want is go about without being attacked or ridiculed. The mere fact of beings clocked means nothing by itself. Most of all, I want to enjoy the look and feel of being out as a woman…the clothes, makeup and jewelry, and the pleasure of shopping en femme. Doing this with a supportive gf to guide and help you is my idea of hog heaven. I can offer two bits of advice: Don’t waste this opportunity, and do upgrade the costume wig. For as little as $39, you can buy a decent wig from Paula Young or The Wig Company (among others). And you are probably a Large, not Regular size.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Thank you Bettylou! I think you hit the nail right on the head, dear. Fear and ridicule are my biggest fears and my mind just makes them bigger than they are. And having a supportive gf takes a lot of the worry and fears away rather than going at it alone. And thank you so much for the advice about the wig! They have so many sales going on right now and I’ve found out what style works best for me. Can’t wait til it comes in!
Jamie💋💋
You’re very welcome, Jamie; always glad when I can help another girl. And give your gf a Thank You and a hug from me, for being there for you.
Hugs,
Bettylou
After many years of crossdessing and going out in public, it is my experience that the most attractive thing is self confidence in oneself.
Thanks Jojo! Yes, confidence is a HUGE factor in letting Jamie get out. I actually came across a photo this morning of a someone fully enfemme with a beard and everything. The caption simply said, “Don’t hate. The man wears it with some real confidence. Strut it, sir!!” I think that’s the best I can actually hope for.
Jamie💋💋
IMHO, one of the best compliments I ever got was from a man who told me I might be a guy, but I was the best looking girl he had seen all day.
I am a work-in-progress, never achieving perfection, but I never stop trying to achieve it. Work to achieve your best look, and confidence will follow, and that confidence will radiate out and breed yet more confidence.
I talk with women in public all the time, and they know I am a man, yet they will compliment me on my appearance or my choice of certain clothing items.
Above all, have fun being a girl! If you have a wife or a GF who is supportive, then you are blessed!
Thanks Peggy, what a compliment!! I don’t think I could think of a better one than that either. And I agree, dressing is a work in progress and I can only do my best with what I have and learn more to be better. There are some lines that I won’t or can’t cross but I can do everything possible up to that point.
Jamie💋💋
I tend to mirror some of the other opinions expressed here, most of us tend to be a work in progress, and we perhaps will never reach what we might think of as our feminine ideal. I know I won’t!
The other thing I’ve thought about lately is perhaps we shouldn’t always be obsessed with passing. We need to learn to simply be our imperfect selves, just as so many of the GG’s I see every day are. I’m sure so many of the women I see in my daily travels likely wish they were thinner, less thin, have bigger boobs, a smaller bum, etc. etc. So much like so many of us, myself included.
The other point worth noting I think, is that the more we are seen and “made” if you like that term, the more this is likely to be accepted over time.
Amy
Passing and wanting to pass as a lady; I hate this. Everyone thinks that they must be “passable” to be a great crossdresser. The real answer is that you don’t have to do any of that. Just be the best woman you can be, and own what you have! Do you think all these non-super model girls running around here are 100% perfect? No! None of them are! And thats okay but they all own their bodies. You must be yourself first!
-SR-
Hello Jamie…just ok or perfection???
You already have something far better than that, you have a supportive partner which I am guessing most girls in relationships on cdh would pick first, any day. Perfection ????….who can honestly say they hit that.
Ok is…… okay!!… simply try to look your best but what’s far more important…..for goodness sake have FUN and ENJOY being Jamie.
Huggs, Grace xx
Hi Jamie
“Passing” is the dream – the ultimate goal, or fantasy for most of us.
Good enough is good enough – just wear a dress, and show off your beard if you want – it’s your choice, and I have seen cross dressers with beards, and men dressed in drab with beards and makeup including lipstick.
There are no rules.
I think, as cross dressers, most of us see it as an art form similarly to drag queens or most genetic girls – we’re trying to create images and looks that please us and make us feel comfortable or happy with our appearance.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look nice, or to strive for an aesthetic.
It can become a bit of an obsession, especially for girls who really like to indulge their hobbies.
*Ahem* my guitar and vinyl collections, and 12 Kallax drawers of women’s clothing, numerous makeup products, shoes, bags, jewellery…
A girl’s got to have interests, and, as long as they don’t negatively impact family or work life, no harm done.
Faceapp has given me a goal – a target, or grail.
I would very much like to look like my profile picture, but if I don’t, no great shakes – it’s enough to be out as Laura and get nice comments – and some of the best I’ve had have been in an old ratty wig, no makeup, but a beautiful dress.
Just enjoy the experience and don’t sweat the small stuff. Many GGs are no oil painting, but the beauty shines from within.
Love Laura
I don’t think “passing” is my goal. I just want to be happy and look good to me when I look in the mirror. I think for an older girl I look just fine when out as Carla. I can’t hide my height or big feet, so why worry about that. I was walking thru a mall a few weeks ago in a miniskirt, blouse and 4 inch heels. I didn’t notice if any women looked but did have a couple of guys smile and hold open doors when entering or exiting a couple of stores. Store sales staff called me ma’am so I must have looked ok to them. But when I looked at myself in the store mirrors I saw a happy beautiful girl out enjoying her best life.
Carla
Thanks for your wonderful post Jamie. First of all you are so lucky to have found an accepting girlfriend, she sounds like a keeper❤️
Your ‘How far do you go?’ question is probably something most of us have on our mind.
Personally I feel like exploring cross dressing has opened up a whole new world of fashion opportunities for me. I don’t think it’s an ‘all or nothing’ for me but has grown, evolved into a kind of spectrum. Womenswear has increasingly become part of my daily ‘male’ life. Women’s jeans, tees, shirts etc, much better fits, far better choice of colours/fabrics/styles. I feel so much better going out in this more androgynous mode, and no questions are asked. One women at work did comment that I was really trendy🤣I also pay much more attention to personal grooming, skincare, smelling good etc, and would also wear mascara and some lip gloss when the fancy takes me.
If I was to go into full Bianca mode to go out I would get fully made up, wig, nailpolish, jewellery, purse etc. Would probably also take the opportunity to wear a skirt or dress, and some feminine footwear.
I think there are two main reasons for this. Nobody I know(and wouldn’t want to know about my Bianca side)would recognise me fully dressed wig, make up etc. I also feel it would attract less, perhaps unwanted, attention from strangers if I present as fully feminine, allowing me to relax and just enjoy going out.
I do think a lot about pushing the androgynous me more feminine. I am bald and have toyed with the idea of just shaving what is left to the skin. Have seen gorgeous bald female models and feel it is more androgynous than that horseshoe shaped area of short hair around the back of my head. Thought about getting my ears pierced. Thought about wearing more feminine tops, animal prints, silk etc, and sneakers from womenswear. The old me would have worried these things make me look a bit gay (brought up in a mans man world) but that old me has gone, along with my old prejudices.
I would love to have the confidence to go out just as me, without wig, light make up, jewellery, a maxi skirt with white VANS sneakers and a cute top. Something for me to aspire to. Just more barriers in my head to crash through.
Think I would be more inclined to push things more if I had an accepting girlfriend at my side.
❤️B
Hi Jamie,
A close friend of mine on here once scoffed at me for using the term Passable.
She was right very few of us are passable and the definition changes with each one of us.
I think a better term may be acceptable.
I feel if I look acceptable to my self and feel pretty and every human being I pass isn’t looking and laughing then I must be doing Ok.
I kind of like the idea of someone not sure if I am a women or a man.
I was in a mall last Monday and most people didn’t give me a second look.
I think a couple people probably did,but
that’s Ok.
I felt pretty and I think I looked nice so that’s all that matters.
Go enjoy yourself and don’t worry too much about what every one else thinks.
Heck if If I your girlfriend we would n
Be going out all the time as girlfriends.
You are very lucky hang on to that girl.😁
Love Patty
Like a lot of girls here it depends on where you are going. I like to blend in as it were if I am going out shopping at a mall, store or lunch. and of course its easier and more fun with a companion. Older now so dont get into sexy wear so much unless its a party or event where I can be fully femme in 5 inch heels and a big hair wig. My outfit for gay pride lol and it is fun
I will answer this from my own limited perspective.
I think I use the “i can’t pass” “I’m not passable” reason because I’m afraid of being laughed at or mocked. I have my own self esteem demons to deal with as a man, geezus it’s worse trying to appear en femme.
I dream of finding “my look” that I’m simply HAPPY with when I look in the mirror, regardless of whether or not it’s “passable”.
I don’t feel the need in myself to appear as, or fool people that I am a GG.
I REALLY just wish to find the self confidence to wear what makes me feel good, appear how I want to appear, and what other people think be damned… But, I have a ways to go before I’m there.
So, work on being happy. You have a supportive girl, NOBODY else matters opinion wise… Let here help, be your anchor and cheerleader, and just enjoy being Jamie honey…have some fun!
Hugs,
Dala
Hi Jamie
What you have is a starting point, You have goals and targets for areas to improve on, but these will take time and practice.
If you ask any cis gender woman about their looks, I expect that over 90% of them would come back and point out their defects and area that they want to improve/change/ hide – everyone wants to look ‘perfect’, hence the cosmetic surgery business, makeup, hairdressers, weight watchers etc .. We all strive to fit into the ideal.
However, being TG/CD brings a new dimension to the event where we strive to emulate a female persona and also disguise ourselves to appear as a good as possible with in that persona.
I have been dressing and going out since my early teenage years and don’t have a problem with being me. I dress comfortably and to blend in, but know that nowadays I am not totally convincing. However no one takes any notice, of if they do then its a passing curiosity. If I am read then Ive made some ones day and they have something to talk about at the dinner table that night,
So – what I’m building up to say is – go with the flow, be yourself, enjoy going out and practice to achieve a better presentation each time you dress, until you find a comfortable spot where you feel presentable, confident and comfortable being you.
Take guidance from your partner as they have to be seen out with you and won’t want to ridicule you or themselves.
But first an foremost – Enjoy
Dawn x
other girls have said most everything I’d have to say about this so I’ll just post here to say I am not one who sees “passing” as the goal or dream
my goal/dream is to be happy and not bullied or made to feel bad when I’m out…most of the time, that is easy because most people really don’t care enough to make you feel bad
Jamie
I just recently told my GF also. And like yours she is completely supportive. She asked very few questions at first but has steadily asked them over the last 2 months. She wants to be part of it “because its part of me”. Great answer. And like your GGF, she wants to go shopping, to the nail salon, etc with Trisha. She has yet to see the full enfemme Trisha but that will change next Friday. She is a planner ans she will undoubtedly plan a day out soon.
As for me. I seem to have more confidence now because of her. She just wants to be out with me in either mode. And that’s awesome.
I agree with the others. Dont waste this opportunity. Its rare.
Trisha.
I’m a bigger girl and definitely is 6 feet plus tall with heels on but I try my best to put effort into my outfits when I go out. My thought is that I’m no Jennifer Aniston by a far stretch! lol but I try my best to look as feminine as I can but sometimes I go out very causal looking and still enjoy my outings even if I didn’t getting fully dressed up because Sometimes a pair of leggings or Jeans with a cute top is fine too Just go out and have fun regardless even if you can’t project the Ultimate feminine appearance, it takes time to shape and tone a look that you feel comfortable in.
Hello Jamie
Yes just go for it hun. Enjoy yourself.
You only live once.
Hugs
Natasha💋
Be yourself and do that with which you are comfortable, Jamie. Don’t get hung up on perfection. Even the most beautiful of GGs are not perfect. While I do aim for perfection when I get dressed up, I know that I will never attain it. I just use it to keep me working to improve my appearance, my voice, and/or my mannerisms.
Since you have reservations about going out en femme, you might want to suggest to your girlfriend that you go out in guy mode, and the two of you shop for the things you think you need to be more confident and comfortable going out all dolled up. She can help you put together a nice outfit and show you how to apply your make-up. After getting some new essentials and some instruction from your girlfriend, you can plan another outing, a girls night out.
Hi Jamie,
Sweetie, as with all ladies, we come in different shapes, sizes, and looks. As with most ladies many of us have to work a little harder in some department than others.
The goal is not to appear to passable, but feminine, regardless of three things I mentioned above.
Just be your self, and mould your femininity around your lifestyle, beliefs and the level your personally allows ,never build it around how you think other might expect it to be or see.
We are all individual, so enjoy what you like doing regardless of those around you. You have a great base to start with, so just be the natural person that’s inside of you and the rest will follow.
Best wishes Amanda XHi Jamie,
So you are not perfect; so what? Neither are some 95% of us, and perhaps 80% of the GGs you will see when you go out. We aren’t in a Miss Universe contest, and the shortcomings you list are not major. Makeup application for casual outings isn’t difficult – and you have a supportive gf to help. Nobody’s going to see your forms, and if the fill your bra reasonably well, it’s all you need. Cleavage is a nice “extra”, but not vital. Choose clothing which will help you blend in – another place your gf can help. I do suggest you invest in a decent wig; you can find one at Paula Young or The Wig Company, starting at around $40.
I can “pass” a casual glance, but not if someone pays attention to me (most people don’t), and my voice is surely a givaway; but I go out, I enjoy myself, and if/when I am clocked, nobody has yet been rude or abusive to me. No police, no dogs, and no mobs with pitchforks and torches. That’s enough, and anything more is just icing on the cake. For example: My wife and I were out shopping today, as girlfriends. I got a few “ma’am”s and references as “you ladies”, and it was wonderful to hear….but not essential. It’s fine to strive for perfection, but you don’t have to have it in order to have a good time.
Hugs,
Bettylou
The concepts of “passing” and “looking good” pretty much overlap for me.
I’m guessing this is partly because I have never found a man attractive and have never even had any concept of male attractiveness… the closest I get is either “looks like a regular guy” or “kinda funny-looking.” I’ve never had one guy register as “better-looking” than another to my eyes, it’s basically either “looks normal” or “doesn’t look quite right” to varying degrees. So for myself in guy-mode I basically just avoid things that come across as funny-looking to me.
And apparently my impressions of what guys look like don’t often match a lot of other people’s impressions — I’m reminded of this time toward the end of middle school when a bunch of girls were going nuts over this one guy on one sports team or another, and my thought was “wait, are they talking about that guy? he looks like some weird lanky inbred version of Frankenstein’s Monster…”
As Vanessa though, I absolutely have a concept of how good I look, and it’s tied pretty directly to how not-like-a-guy I look. Basically, the more I “pass” the better. The more I can see “guy-me” in the face of a picture I take as Vanessa, the less I like that particular picture. (Of course, I have had pictures that turned out bad while also looking Vanessa-ish but that’s more the fault of poor lighting, bad angle, too blurry, that sort of thing.)
That’s just me personally, though. I know I’m weird. 😂
So Jamie, I want to through my 2 cents in on this. When I decided to take my CDing seriously it did several things for me. I had an event to shoot (I am a Photographer) that was an lgbtq event in Atlanta. The previous year I shot in the standard black shirt black pants black shoes. When I got to the event every one was in amazing costumes of all colors and descriptions. I met a CDer that was dressed as Marilyn Monroe and she was beautiful in every way. She was very tall and I would say big boned. But she was so so beautiful and I told her so. I thought about that exchange with her and I decided that I was going next year en Femme. I was so committed to looking good, I lost 40 lbs. I shaved my body I was terrible at makeup and my SO hated what I was doing but I did not care. I got dressed up and went to Sephora. They did my makeup. I went to the event and had the time of my life!!! For me it was the goal of an event to get me to really take care of myself. I just turned 62 and feel better than I have outside and inside my whole life.
Giant encouraging Hugs Hun
Diane
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