- This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by
.
- Posts
Growth and hibernation
In nature, most animals and plants are most active during the spring and summer months, and then during the fall they begin preparing for the winter when they typically become much less active even to the point of hibernating. Hibernation is a state of almost suspended animation that many species such as bats and woodchucks and some birds enter where they are deep in rest to the point where almost NOTHING can wake them up.
For many of us in the transgender community, however, this cycle of activity is shifted 180 degrees. It is during the winter that we can become more active in our dressing as there are many more opportunities with the colder weather for wearing our desired clothing underneath coats and sweaters. We put on leggings or stockings over legs we can shave because we won’t typically be wearing shorts in the winter time. We can wear camis and bras under our tops because the bulkiness of winter sweaters and coats hides the telltale straps and curves. So for many of us this is the chance to live life a little more as we wish we could all the time.
CDH-in its current incarnation-really began to grow during the fall and winter of 2015-2016. I know that, for myself, I made tremendous strides in my journey of gender exploration. From the first tentative post I made in August of last year-“Dipping my toes in the water-with pink toenail polish”, my journey accelerated as I made new friends and decided that Cynthia would be open and honest and begin to explore her role in my life. With the encouragement of other members, I shaved my entire body of hair leaving smooth and silky skin. I drove back from a football game dressed completely as woman including full makeup and wig and even stopped for gas along the way. I talked to many other members and shared my story of how I had gotten to this point on my transgender journey. I began to dress most evenings after work to the point where I now spend more time as Cynthia than I do as my male shell (although I still haven’t gotten out in the world outside of my car yet). I “got my milkshake” (the story of my first interaction with the world as Cynthia-a brief experience going through the drive thru of Dairy Queen!) Starting electrolysis to permanent remove my facial hair.
Being discovered by my niece to be wearing nail polish which led to my telling her of my trans status-the first person outside of my counselor and the ladies on site here that knows who I truly am!. The trip to the Bowl game and New Orleans with my friend from pool where I desperately wanted to open up and tell her of my TG feelings but failed each time I tried. The hints I dropped on that trip-buying women’s shirts in my size, looking at dresses and skirts in the stores, walking in shorts with my smooth legs showing. Finally telling her about three quarters of the way home on the long drive. The relief I felt from the heavy weight of secrecy I had been struggling under for so many years when she accepted me unconditionally. Showing her pictures of myself in Cynthia mode and thrilling to her compliments! The worry I felt that maybe she had changed her mind about accepting me when a lack of replies to my emails and texts occurred for about three weeks. The joy I felt when we finally touched base again and I realized my fears were for naught! Signing up for the Southern Comfort Conference(a TG/CD conference/meeting with about 750 attendees) in Ft. Lauderdale for this September-with one of my closest friends–a whole week of being able to be Cynthia and interact with hundreds of people-a thought both terrifying and thrilling at the same time. Knowing that my friend and I will support each other through our fears and will celebrate the joys and triumphs together. All of that in six months! And I am certain many others have similar stories and I encourage you to reflect on your own journey and to PLEASE reply to this post with a listing of what you have accomplished since you found this site that has been a lifesaver for so many of us.
But now spring approaches-the time of year when many of us will allow our feminine sides to go into our own form of hibernation. Our smooth skin so often allowed to have the hair return for fear of what others will think as we being to wear summer shorts and swimsuits. The pretty underthings we wore under our sweaters and coats relegated to only being worn in the privacy of our homes as we fear discovery of a strapline here, a piece of lace peeking out there. So many of us are afraid of letting the world know of our feminine sides, so we put that side away-in a sense putting her into hibernation. I wonder how many of us will let the gains we have made over the past six months recede into the background.
But this need not be the case! We can choose to retain those gains and even build on them. In my own case, I decided last fall that unlike all the previous times when I shaved my body hair off, this is the year that I LEAVE it that way for the spring and summer – and the heck with what people may think! Bodybuilders, swimmers and bikers do it all the time anyway and though I am not one of those-no one ELSE knows that!. I’m continuing the electrolysis which has noticeably reduced the shadow of facial hair that used to be quite prominent. In the next week or two, I plan on having a dermabrasion facial (part of a three session special already paid for). I want to try getting a pedicure this spring-not certain yet whether it will be en femme or in male mode but either way I THINK I want to do it with colored polish! I am considering going with a friend for a consultation with a wig specialist and then maybe a makeover at a place like Ulta. And I want to get out more in Cynthia mode and interact with the world. This is the only way I’ll be able to learn if further steps toward transitioning are in my future or not. The trip to the convention this fall will be a big step for me!
I guess the main thing is that I don’t want to lose ground on any of the progress I have made so far, and in fact I want to BUILD on that progress! And I encourage each and every one of you to do the same! Whatever your goals may be, continue to strive toward reaching them! Don’t let the hard work you have made go for naught. Don’t let any obstacles you may be facing on your journey force you to turn back from crossing the finish line! I would encourage each of you to reply to this post with your goals for the year. Commit to taking steps to move forward towards your desired destination.
In conclusion below is a poem I wrote trying to encapsulate the above thoughts!
Her life had reached a tipping point that late mid-summer day.
The gender questions of her life upon her thoughts did weigh.
Could she be happy dressing in the quiet of her home?
Or was it time to let her shine and through the world to roam?She pondered o‘er the pros and cons of making either choice-
To let the girl stay silent or to finally give her voice.
The fears so far were winning as she added up the cost-
The dangers of her job and family permanently lost?For life had been quite difficult-the hiding and denying-
Had oft made her believe that part of her was slowly dying.
The joy she felt those too few times when she put on a dress
And felt the way a girl should feel when she looks at her best.What hope that she could ever be the girl she was inside?
The world would not accept her thus her femme side was denied.
She put the mask of manhood on and part of her was crushed-
The giggles of her girlishness were soon forever hushed.But then she came upon a site that opened up her eyes-
The moment she perused it, she began to realize
That she was NOT alone as she had feared for many years
And as that thought alit, she shed the first of many tears.The dreams she had forsaken were not dead but merely sleeping-
And as they surfaced in her mind, she slowly began weeping
For all the wasted years when she let other peoples hate
Keep her in chains but now she realized it’s not too late.Though she approaches middle age, her destiny is free
To be the girl she knows that she was always meant to be.
The fears she faces daily will still be there it is true
But now she walks with others who are in the same boat too!No longer isolated, she walks proudly with her friends,
And knows as she progresses that the journey never ends!
Life is what you make it and the most important part
Is to follow what you know to be the truth inside your heart.So don’t be like the bears who in the winter hibernate-
Take every opportunity to make the journey great.
Striving to move forward as the years go slowly by
And no regrets for steps untaken-always ALWAYS TRY!I hope I haven’t wasted not a moment of you time
And that this poem makes you think as even now it rhymes.
There’s only one responsible for living life anew
The person who’s reflected in the mirror-YEP! IT’S YOU!Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a person trying to find her own way in the world. And I hope you will please reply with your own accomplishments you have made in the last year and your goals for the year to come!
Love,
Cyn
Once again you’ve encapulated some very pertinent thoughts.
One of the great things about where I’m at in life is that I no longer have to wait for winter to wear what I want to. I can be an eccentric old bloke with long hair, earrings, long nails and even those straps and curves or I can be Jane. I pretty much don’t care who thinks what of me nowadays.
Keep the stories coming Cyn. I love them.
Hello Ladies,
So after reading Cyn’s post I have been doing some thinking about where I was and what have I accomplished and the site has done since joining CDH at the beginning of it’s 2nd infancy in Late April/ Early May 2015. When I joined there were 50 members and I knew almost everyone as Vanessa used to point out. Now we are over 3000 members strong and I am friends with 1500 of you, so in passing, some still intimately, either way I am blessed to know so many of you. I had been crossdressing for over 30 years and only three people in the whole world knew Codille existed, and I had never been able to find a site that catered to 95% just crossdressers. A site like CDH just didn’t exist, and trust me like many of us “old timers” I had been looking hard for a long time but most sites were either trashy dating sites or more centered on, wow never thought I would ever use this term, “main stream” transgendered individuals. So since then I was asked to be one of two “Ambassadors”, a pilot program by Vanessa, along the side of one of my best friends now Claudia C. Why me? Because I have been dressing forever, talk my mouth off, won’t pull punches, and am an open book, will answer just about an question I can and want to help other ladies not have to go through some of the same obstacles many before me have had too (Denise and I have shared this belief since the day we met, long before CDH.) From the site side, since last May we have gone through 3 versions of the main site, expanded the forum, expanded the articles section and added the Author’s program, add new graphic icons for ladies to use on their profile, and the biggest addition, and pain in the ass at times, the Chat room was opened.
Now more near and dear to my heart with expansion of membership has the expansion of the Ambassadors Corp. Where at the start there were just two of us, we have grown to a fluctuating 12+ Ambassadors with some new members coming on and some going off and some taking a leave of absence only to return. We are always looking for new dedicated members to step up and become Ambassadors, if you are interested drop me a line, like i said I always like to talk.
Personally, I have made a ton of new friends here, a dream I never thought would happen, of supportive, wonderful and amazing ladies… who only thing I am a little weird. 🙂 My circle of people that know both sides of Codille has gone from three, and gone from my wife being the only family member to know, to ten friends and family now know Codille and I am proud to say everyone that lives under my roof who I have been hiding my secret from for 18 years all know, I no longer have to keep Codille a secret in my own house, something I would have never thought possible a year ago. That number for the first time also includes 3 non Crossdressing men, yes guys know too. My female clothing no longer lives in bucket shamefully and uncomfortably in the bottom of my closet, instead they hang on the same bar as my male clothing (It sounds small but this was a huge thing for me mentally, Codille was out and not in hiding.)
There are so many of you I want to thank for giving ME the courage and support you have since being part of this wonderful Haven away from the world. But I do need to thank a few specifically, My Ambassador team, past present and future. Vanessa Law, you make miracles happen here and have given so many of us strength to be ourselves and given me so much more as we have worked as a team to make CDH a safe home for those like myself crazing to come out of the shadows. Denise, My Lady, I invited you here my good friend to show you that we were not alone and there was a place of understanding and a place where we could give our knowledge to others, never thought I would ask you to be an Ambassador and get the response I got when I did. Then, my partners in crime who have help Codille flourish and grow while helping each other through large and small transformations along the way. Claudia, my partner in PT and learning this strange new worlds where families aren’t necessarily so scary and wives are supportive not judgmental, thank you so much for you friendship almost since day one as Vanessa through us together, God help her!!!! And Cyn, my little star and spark of amazement. Watching you grow with big open eyes, making me laugh with the creation of a new language and bad eating habits, all while jumping into the pool head first and making ME realize, the time had come to let Codille come out of the dark and that as scary as it had been for 30 years, that wasn’t the time we are living in now. Thanks Skippy!
As Vanessa says, I can’t read your messages on my cell phone they are to long, I will wrap this up. I want to say to all of the not 50 but 3000, Thank You for making Crossdresser Heaven a safe and supportive place we Men in dresses is not so weird, we just have better taste then most!!!
Hugs,
Codille Benton
Ambassador and Most Importantly Friend
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
Recent Comments