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Hello my name is April a fifty something male to female crossdresser who is married. I am a heterosexual male who enjoys dressing as a woman to emulate and show my appreciation of feminine traits, as it is a part of me that makes me who I am and honestly gives me balance. Having struggled for most of of my life wondering and wanting to know why I have the desire to dress as a woman thinking what is wrong with me is there a chromosome issue or a hormone wash while in the womb. While speaking with a therapist I had been seeing for anger, frustration with work and life challenges including relationships that had failed and lastly crossdressing the WHY??????? I do it, why the desire wanting the understanding of why I am the way I am.
I was challenged by my therapist to look at things differently, instead of the why (I am the way I am, a transvestite or crossdresser and hating myself for it, ridden with guilt and shame and most definitely an overwhelming overcompensating with frustration,anger, and not backing down ever always wanting to win verbal discussion at work in a type A atmosphere and field and having to be right in all things to fight every battle in life and relationships too. Why not take a different approach why not try self acceptance that this is a part of who you are a good part. Accept that this is not only a part of who I am but it is an essential part of who I am. Why not try to allow some of those qualities of women that I do admire and respect that are positive things to come forward. All people are dealt different challenges obstacles or (demons)in life, some may say vices bad qualities or even sins. It doesn’t have to bad.
Even though I am attracted to the physical attributes of beautiful feminine sexuality there are many other great qualities that I knew when asked to identify non physical traits. Traits in women in my life such as my mother, girlfriends, women at work and others in society or history, what about them do I admire or respect and wish that i could emulate in my life? Not the bad qualities.
1-good listener
2-which llows to be a good communicator
3-kind
4-sacrifice always giving doing for others
5-caring
7-fun
8-adventurous
9-great cook
10-Not afraid to experience new things
11-loving unconditionally
12-Inner strength and having to fight to get a fair shake in many things.I have had unexplained desires in some way ever since being at a get together of about 5 or 6 families there were about 15 to 20 kids from about 3 to 13 and a boy went into a sliding door closet and opened the door he was wearing a red frilly dress with white lace to accentuate the dress. One boy tried it on then another tried on the dress I was 5 to 7 at the time I do not remember. In some manner crossdressing has been prevalent in some manner of my life since age 6 or 7 that I can remember trying on my mothers shoes a few times when no one was around. My male self insecurities became more prevalent as I reached Junior High age and my physical attraction to girls and women became stronger seeing female impersonators on Entertainment Tonight and seeing how men looked like women definitely created a strong desire to look that way in my mind. Although for me there was a strong sexual attraction to crossdressing and stories of forces feminization. Maybe a way in my mind for it to be ok I never ever eliminated the thoughts or desire to someday dress from my mind or inner self for long periods of time. I have other events I can share with others at a later time as we all of unique stories or events in each of out lives.
On my road to self acceptance after having dressed to the best of my ability at home after numerous times completely purging all belongings. In early October in 2017 I called Amy from Be You Just You for a complete Woman makeover as I wanted to step out of the darkness and pit of self hatred and shame. In short I called her back and canceled the appointment and asked if she knew of any events in Las Vegas where her shop is located. She said she was having a Halloween get together for a couple of days. She asked if I would like to come to the event;scared to death I took the step to attend in Las Vegas at the Artisan Hotel. Amy was booked for the party my first night out in public so I called a makeup company that did weddings and paid a $125 for an artist to come to my hotel room and give me my first true transformation it went well she left. Then It was surreal I was scared to death being in public about 30!of us met in the lobby and got on a bus to a karaoke bar the first night out. A gangster party murder mystery the next night Amy did my makeup for the party I met so many nice people I met others similar or like me. I WAS NOT ALONE IN THE WORLD. I was not a freak a pervert or some nut job. It felt great to not feel ashamed isolated or alone. I had a wonderful time memorable time.
I will share more later I am here to meet others and find friends for my wife and I to be able to share a part of me. Thanks April Sinclair
Hi april nice meeting you and happy you found and joined us girls here so get settled in relax and enjoy yourself here.. Well girlfriend what an entro just wonderful so as a new sister you are welcomed with open arms into our home as well as yours now also.. Having a supportive spouse is such a treasure here as myself included along with many other ladies here then some sadly not so lucky 😢😢.. So much to see and do here from reading the forums and posts from many ladies from all over the world to build long lasting friendships with.. As for your wife there is a special place for her here to join if she would like as For Wifes And Significant Others a group[ for her to learn more about us and you in our girly journey .. We cant access this part just them after joining it she can ask us questions and get answers but we cant go there .. So again girlfriend nice meeting you and hope to see you around for a chat sometime..
Stephanie Bass
Welcome April! Thanks for sharing so much of your story with us. It is so familiar and esp when I was young, I too went through years of thinking I was the only one like this, then discovered the TV word, which totally horrified me.
Of course this desire never goes away and slowly I learned to accept myself, as you have done. Now I’m so much happier to be able to express my inner woman, though I still have old male me who is going to stay around as well I think.
One thing your therapist said makes sense to me too. My personal example is I have been drawn to play and create music since even before I started dressing up. So no one ever asks me why I want to play piano? It’s the same as my alter ego Amy, it’s just part of me and no real reason can be found.
I’m glad you’ve come to this point of self acceptance. There are lots of great girls to meet and chat with here. Joining this site, for me helped me learn to fully accept my feminine side.
Amy
April wonderful intro thankyou for sharing..this is certainly a special place full of beautiful ladies all enjoying this wonderful world . Learn from, share experiences with and most of all make lasting friendships. Browse our site and find what you may want to know. Girls here love to chat and make one feel very comfortable in themselves to enjoy moving with a dream looking forward. Happy to have you here and now enjoy all that we are.
Stephanie 🌹
Hi April, and welcome. I absolutely loved your story. You expertly outlined what being in “girl mode’ means for so many of us, and it is not erotic satisfaction, but much more. I am so happy you are venturing out, and I appreciate the way you approached it. I look forward to hearing more about your adventures! Hugs, Paulette
Hello April,
Welcome to our amazing CrossDresserHeaven (CDH) site. So glad you have joined us here. Feel free to explore all that our site has to offer.
The Warmth, Compaasion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.
Please do make use of the forums and articles or public chat room and friendships offered here on CrosDresser Heaven.
At any Membership level, You can contact any of us via [ PM ] Private Messages. You can find that link on each member’s Wall under their Profile picture.
Also, you may find what you need such as Help Center or Ambassadors by using the links in the top R/H drop down 3 bar [ hamburger ] menu.
Here is a good link to review the membership levels and the privledges for each. Such as Private Chat, Groups, etc.
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/membership-account/membership-levels/
Regards,
Terri Anne, Ambassador
=========== Link to our public Chat room ==============
April,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You may be engaging in something that is somewhat outside of general society’s norms but that doesn’t mean it is bad. Just relax and enjoy the pleasant feelings you experience while in feminine mode.
Welcome to the group and don’t hesitate to ask for advice. There are many friendly ladies here who are more than willing to answer any questions you may have.
Fiona
HI April, a story of note, and emotion. Good times, sad times. But you have been given direction, and like myself learning about a new acceptance of gentler qualities.
It has helped me, along with an increasing tolerance, although some people still give you the laser eye treatment And matching scowl look.
Life life, enjoy. Be true to you. Your face will show others who you are.
Best Wishes
Jane
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