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Hello ladies,
Recently I’ve been starting to question my gender identity as a whole and I’m not quite sure if I am a CD or if I’m actually Trans. What I know for sure is that I enjoy every moment that I get to be Angelica and I dread having to go back into guy mode. I used to think that there was no way I could be Trans because I don’t have genital dysphoria. However, recently I learned that not every Trans Woman has genital dysphoria. So now there is this very real possibility that I might actually be a Trans Woman. I’m hoping that both the CD’s on this forum and Trans ladies could help me figure out where my gender identity leans more towards. If it helps answer any questions, I plan on presenting as a woman the majority of the time pretty soon. As soon as I move out of my parents house I will embark on a journey of living as a woman pretty much 24/7. I plan on growing out my hair, using makeup as much as possible, getting manicures & pedicures, and presenting as a woman at work, at social gatherings, etc. I’m even considering hormone replacement therapy. I am talking about this with my Therapist, but I also thought that maybe some personal insight might help me get a clearer view of things for myself. Thank you!
– Angelica
Hi Angelica,
This is a tough question to respond to.
As Sam indicated, only you can answer this question. Her article is a good read to get you thinking about how you might better understand who you are.
I think what’s important is figuring out how to live authentically. Figure that out and choose a label if you want….or not. Labels don’t define you. You define the label. Labels are for the benefit of others.
FWIW, my experience has been similar to what you describe. The best I can do here is throw a bunch of disjointed thoughts on screen. Hope it makes some sense.
I never hated my body. But I didn’t like it either. I’ve envied women my entire life. I’ve wanted a woman’s body….and all the things it can do….as long as I can remember.
Presenting as a guy feels fake. I can do it but something feels off. Like I’m almost getting away with it…. Being around a bunch of guys makes me uncomfortable. Machismo is a turn off. I have zero investment in guy culture.
Presenting as a woman….or interacting with them….brings me peace. It feels natural. It’s fulfilling. Nearly all my friends are women. I have a bond with them that’s never been replicated with a guy. Women have told me that I’m different. Like one of their girlfriends….someone they can confide in.
After I’d been living part-time for a while, I noticed my clothes weren’t making much of a difference. I felt okay without them. Weird. My guess why?? Being me….being a girl….NOT being a guy….was filling the gap. My therapist agreed.
That revelation tipped the scales toward transition. I went on HRT a few months later. The mental changes hit first….within a few days. It was like the dots I didn’t know existed….suddenly connected.
I knew then that it was the right decision. And I’m far from done.
/EA
Hi Angelica
Everything you are saying says you want to let your inner Angelica out full time. Listen to your heart, follow your dream, find your happy place. Be true to yourself. Your profile uses phrases like ‘as far as I can remember’. This is clearly not a phase.
In my opinion you are on the transgender spectrum, embrace your true self.B x
I’m late to the party Angelica and I agree with Emily entirely.
It’s a label as it seems a thing these days to find a label which can have a habit of confusing the issue as these days it isn’t so clear cut. A definition and explanation here by the N.H.S. u.k. gives a more concise meaning.
Gender dysphoria and gender identity
Many people with gender dysphoria have a strong, lasting desire to live a life that “matches” or expresses their gender identity. They do this by changing the way they look and behave.
Some people with gender dysphoria, but not all, may want to use hormones and sometimes surgery to express their gender identity.
I wanted to present as female in my everyday life but circumstances and the time when I decided dressing was for me was deemed wrong and socially catastrophic if I declared my intentions. I got on with life and still harboured the desire expressing my true self when I could. I got used to my body and didn’t hate it but adapted what I had to fit in with looking female. Eventually I got to the stage where I was out and began to live more as a female until it all came together and I live full time with acceptance from society and those that know me. I have decided to go on hormones and see where it leads.
I will say I am transgendered as people accept it as a comfortable term they understand. In effect I have transitioned from male to female which fits quite nicely with the description above.
terminologies—-Sooo confusing—everything depends on Who you ask- It’s sort of like medical terms–Those heavily involved like Doctors & Nurse will use/ understand & use “”PROPER”” terminologies-Lay people will just get confused– Personally I think of Trans as someone who is living as a female–I don’t know if I’m right or not– Most of us don’t have that kind of Freedom no matter how badly we want it–Is wanting it Trans? is taking hormones Trans?? Is wearing makeup & a wig trans–Mabe we become Female- Some would say NO-Not until bottom surgery-no matter how deep your Desires–Even then some would just call you Trans— When I’m dressed I consider myself Female–
Here is my opinion on it: Why get hung up on a definition? If you feel better presenting as female then that is your answer. You do not need to know the label.
I believe that labels are for others to put on you. And by ‘others’ I mean those that are insecure, hateful or struggling themselves.
As for me, I am definitely trans even though I am married with children. My life just didn’t go in the direction that would have allowed me to be myself always. So I live with the real me hidden inside and dress when I can.
I love you. Be strong. Embrace yourself – whoever that may be!
XXOOXX
TawniI think I agree somewhat to the comments about labels. My only problem is when people “assume” if you crossdress a natural progression is to transition to being transgender or full time or whatever you prefer to call it.
So, if I need to describe myself I say I’m a crossdresser. Meaning I don’t want to transition or feel the need to. Do I imagine being full time? Yes, sometimes. Now, do I see myself being full time? No.
Whatever we want to call this I feel at times the need to FEEL feminine. I’m married with grown kids. Sometimes I wish I had known way back then I was a crossdresser (I was convinced I was some sort of freak and there was no one like me). I’m not sure it would have changed how my life went though. But it sure would have been nice to know what THIS was… I digress… LOL.
I have more to say about this and will probably write it up.
My advice is to think carefully. Is this something you have to “prove” or is this something you truly feel. I know many people say that you have to be true to yourself and yes, that’s at least partially true – but you also have to be true to the commitments you have already made: children, wife, family… It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I can vocalize what I feel and what I feel is right for me. It’s taken a lot of therapy and self examination. I will say I’m fairly happy. I feel more balanced.
Sorry for blathering on so much. I hope this helps someone.
Hi Angelica.
That’s a difficult question, and one that ultimately only you can answer. While each of us has probably considered that exact question, in the end, our unique individual specific circumstances may dictate how we move forward, or if we do. For instance, I’ve felt this way since I’ve been a little child, but I’ve never felt uncomfortable in my male body, I’ve just always felt more of an affinity for presenting as a woman. However, would I get SRS? At this point in my life, no. If the internet had been around 30 years earlier and I had found more sisters and others who felt like me back then, then perhaps maybe so.
But as I understand it, and from speaking with other trans women who have fully transitioned, for some of them, transitioning was not ever a question, it was just a matter of time. They never felt “at home” in their male bodies and were always uncomfortable, which for them was one of the driving factors that led them to transition. Of course today there is also something known as “social transitioning,” where you to all appearances are a woman, yet you don’t ever undergo surgery.
However, the one thing I would suggest is caution. There are some steps that are irreversible (or pretty much so; there have been people who’ve had surgery, regretted it, and transitioned back, but that seems extremely drastic), so please make sure to take your time, don’t rush into anything. You’re very smart speaking with a therapist, but I’d also discuss with a few other medical professionals to get other opinions (it’s always a good idea to get second and third opinions, especially on something as critical to your life as this).
Good luck on following your path and know that all of us here wish you the very best, regardless of what you choose.
Hugs,
Holly
Thank you for sharing the article! It cleared up some things.
I feel like every day that passes I see more and more signs that I’m actually Trans. Unfortunately it is usually followed by imposter syndrome, thus the questioning. It also doesn’t help that I’m still having to live life as a “man” due to my family. I really can’t wait to move out next month so that I can begin to explore this aspect of myself. Thank you once again!
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