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I joined CDH just over a month ago and have been scanning and reading various forum posts during that time to get a sense of who this community actually is. I sometimes feel uncomfortable and like a troll because, as far as I tell thus far, all of you are completely sincere and dedicated to expressing your feminine self and it seems most of you truly desire, if given the choice, to be a woman 100% of the time.
I think the reason I feel like a fraud or a troll is that I DON’T desire to be a woman 100% of the time. I actually love being “a boy” and have always embraced my brand of masculinity and have developed a style that I feel is pretty unique and pretty fulfilling. My recent journey into CD started from a sort of a “CosPlay” and fetish angle… thrill-seeking due to boredom and ennui.
However, my feelings about it have morphed the more I dress and the more I think about how I feel when dressed. I was raised in a mostly matriarchal household/family with strong women leadership. I was a feminist before I even knew what that word meant. I used to peruse the Sears and Spiegel catalogs and spent an inordinate amount of time in the lingerie section: it was not only titilating as a prepubescent boy, it also triggered other undefinable feelings about femininity vs masculinity that I didn’t have the experience or knowledge to process at the time.
I’ve been hypersexual most of my life, almost since those early days of the Sears and Spiegal catalogs. Mostly being raised by late ’60s/early ’70s television, I was exposed to the short shorts and slinky dresses of Mary Ann and Ginger and the PVC of Batgirl and Catwoman. As far as I know (and I have excellent memory and recall of my childhood) I was never abused or molested. Still, I did sexualize almost everything and have always had a very rich sexual fantasy skill set. This never really translated into overt sexual activity, though: almost the opposite. Because of other emotional trauma such as hypervigilance due to abandonment issues, I kept myself in a pretty private world and was a virgin till 17 after falling in love with Nancy, my high school sweetheart.
My deep fascination with the female form led to fantasies about being female which led to many years of experimenting with bi and gay sex… almost all disappointing and unfulfilling… ending in extreme guilt and shame. It’s taken many years for me to understand that I’m not “gay” in what’s become the “traditional” sense: I will never be able to fall in love or be in a committed relationship with a man.
From reading the stories of others here on CDH, I know I am not alone in this “origin story”. Time spent reading your stories, along with my own CD journey of discovery, has opened up much that was previously hidden to me about my desires and needs. Unfortunately, this has happened too late to save my failed marriage. Had I been brave and honest enough with her it’s very possible we would have been able to survive as a loving couple. I see that so many of you have SOs and many of them are supportive and accepting… within their limits. I definitely celebrate and am envious of those situations. I now know that I must share my intimate details with a potential future SO if I am to have any hope of maintaining a new loving relationship.
In a perfect world where I could choose any situation or scenario I desire, I would choose to be able to jump from my ideal boy’s body to my ideal girl’s body at will, experiencing both to the fullest. Unfortunately, and until science fact catches up to science fiction, I will have to continue to explore my feminine side via CD… and maybe, just maybe, find an extremely open-minded women to share this journey with.
As the title of this post suggests, I really don’t have a deep desire to live my life 100% of the time as a woman. However, and as a sort of antidote to the growing toxic masculinity in our culture now, I hope to become a much more well-rounded human being; balancing my masculine and feminine selves.
as i read your words i keep saying yeah me too .
Dani,
Thank you for posting this and sharing so openly with all of us. You are indeed not alone my friend – I am just like you, wanting to fully express both my masculine and feminine and to move between them when I choose. I don’t want to be either ‘full time.’
You’ll find the complete continuum of people in here, with crossdressing being somehow part of themselves or part of their lives (and this includes spouses or SOs obviously). What I find so beautiful about this particular site is that we all are welcomed, loved, and supported – and it sounds like that has been your experience in here as well, and I’m so thankful for that, for both you and me!
I LOVE how you ended your post – that IS the quest for many of us who are crossdressers that do not want to transition or to live as a woman full time, we want to find the balance that makes us a better, happier, ‘integrated’ human being.
Thanks again for posting this!
Marcellette
Hi Dani, thanks for sharing this topic! I am exactly where you are, and based on your comments I suspect we are close to the same age!
Please don’t feel like a fraud because you want to express both sides of your being. It doesn’t make you wrong, just at a different place on the gender and sexuality spectrums. I’m far from an expert, but from my own experience it is hard to compartmentalize male and female halves for a lot of us. I am intellectually intrigued about HRT or even GRS, but I’m not sure these things will come about in reality.
I sometimes think am I just in love with the idea of presenting as female 24/7, rather than the vision of it and the need to make it real. I just know that the ONLY time I talk about deep feelings is here and TGH, and with my therapists. If I try to bring up “what if” with my wife, she gets upset or adversarial. If you see my profile page, I just came out to her, so it’s all raw and frustrating to her. She hasn’t realized she’s gaining a bestie in Brielle that will have her back like no other GF could, and her husband is still here and not leaving. I’m only wanting to change some outward characteristics. If I wanted to get hair transplants or even a face lift she’d not mind. This isn’t that different, just a bit more extreme.
Society is to blame for attaching a stigma to trans and CD folks wanting to change their looks to feel more at ease and confident. What if we had a cleft palate or a physical defect? We shouldn’t get it fixed because we should be happy with how God made us?!
Ok, I’ll get off the soapbox now! Ha! Just don’t feel like you aren’t fully welcome and loved just as you are here. I haven’t encountered anything but acceptance here, and I’m sure that will be the case for you, GF!
You can chat with me anytime, about anything. I found in femme mode I’m this open and raw. In guy mode, I’m introverted, a loner, and very slow to take the lead in making friends or plans. Which version of myself do I prefer I wonder…?
Hugs!
-
Dani, everyone has their own path down this road and you are not very different from most of us here. Welcome to the sisterhood. We have the luxury to present as who ever we want to be, male or female, and to whatever degree we need to be. Only CD’s have this power.
As far as finding an SO who understands or even supports our lifestyle, there are unicorns out there but few and far between. Good luck hunting just be honest from the start and don’t waste your time thinking a potential SO who is not into it will change their mind.
Hi Dani,
I also like being a boy who also enjoys being a girl and has a need to express that side of me. From the profiles that I have read I’d say that the members here are pretty much split down the middle on wanting to live fully as a woman vs crossdressing part time. I don’t have enough data points to feel confident in that 50/50 number but I think it’s in the ballpark. The part time crossdressers that are married, which seem to be the majority, I’d say that it’s a minority that have wife’s that are fine with them dressing in front of them or going out with them dressed. I’ve shared my view of the percentages just as a way of saying you have a lot of good company and finding a supportive SO is a dream for many.
Thank you for sharing and lots of hugs,
Michelle
Hi Dani,
I think your ideal is not so unusual. I remember as a prepubescent boy trying to will my body to become female but not permanently. I always wanted to come back. If you saw my earlier posts I often mentioned how I liked being a man. Lately my posts have focussed more on the feminine because that’s the part I’m experimenting with the most right now and the part I don’t get to express often enough. I imagine that helps form part of the impression someone would get visiting these forums, most of us are focussed on the femme side since that’s what this place is for. I was just having this conversation with my wife the other day (I’m one of the lucky ones I think), I was saying I don’t know where my threshold is in consecutive days living as Abbie. So far my record is six and I’m sure I could go longer but I also think at some point I’d want to be a guy again. Having said that, I’m still unsure if my earlier support for drab life was a valid reflection of my inner life or if I was just unprepared at the time to admit that I’m actually a trans woman (and all the upheaval that would bring). That battle rages on but right now I just want to find that balance which could mean either living my life alternately as a woman and a man or that I’ve already lived 98% of my 52 years as a man and it’s time to give the female side a go (still balanced in the end).
I’d suggest that if you’re enjoying what you’re doing then keep doing that and if you find later on that your desires change, try to follow them if it makes sense. It might lead you somewhere unexpected.
— Abbie 🥰
Nothing wrong with how you feel and express. Everyone has their own path. Just know what I wanting through my journey. May not be for everyone but felt my inner self has always been more female then male self. Why going through the extremes of surgeries and HRT to become on the outside to match my inner self. on becoming a woman.
Don’t give up hope keep asking questions if possible maybe go talk to your dr or a theropist. they will help you through the quest.
Just be your self and be straight with your own self and towards ones you meet on the way.
Donna
Hi Dani,
In my short time here I’ve found it to be a pretty inclusive place. There are many that would love to be female 100% of the time, but there are also many that are are considerably more ambiguous.
Much like yourself, I’d love the ability to be able to hop between male and female bodies, although to be fair the female one I envisage probably isn’t the 47 years that the male one is… maybe 25? 😉
I’ll never get the chance to ‘be female’ not completely – if nothing else I’ll have missed the upbringing and teenage years and all that comes with that. Sounds greedy to be wishing for a time machine as well really..
SO yeah, I want to be able to hop between my 47 yr old male form, in which I’m reasonably happy and comfortable. Into a twenty something female form where I can be pretty – we don’t really get the chance to be pretty as males…
I’m not naïve enough to think that being female is all sunshine and light, and I don’t think being female would ‘fix me’. I’m not broken.
Would just be nice to have the option to try both.
It’s never going to happen of course, but dressing up and doing the makeup, feels good. And that’s about as much justification as I need.
K xx
Dani,
Your post was very well written and easy to understand. Like you, I don’t want to be a woman 100% of the time because I like being a man too much to change that. For me, I guess CD is a comfortable and comforting way to scratch an itch that I have.
And like you, I have thought about science catching up to science fiction, like in “Altered Carbon” where people can have multiple bodies of either sex. Then I could choose which body I want to inhabit from day to day like picking out an outfit. Until then, I’ll just have to cross dress and try to balance my masculine and feminine halves as best I can.
Hugs, Jill
Hi Dani
I enjoy and sometimes even need my male side but never felt sure of myself, rounded, or complete until my female side made itself known and I accepted it. I actually do kinda go back and forth as it feels right for my gf and I. As others have eluded to, we can have and be the best of both worlds.
Olivia
Really nothing wrong with what you’re feeling. You’re certainly no troll. We each have our own journeys. We share a love of the feminine, but from there we run a while spectrum of people.
people who would like to dress but for some reason can’t or don’t. People who dress and go out and people who want to transition to female.
We have to each find our own truth. We owe it to ourselves to live that truth.
Very well said, and I totally agree. I feel no shame or regret due to my masculinity. And I love the way I feel when I dress and embrace feminism.
It would be a dream come true to be able to switch back and forth at will. But since I can’t, I will enjoy both as I so desire.
As for feeling like a troll, think nothing of it. We are all here to support and learn from each other. You are more than welcome to read from the background, or join in the discussion.For me, I have NO desire to fully transition. And I take umbridge with those in our community who berate and belittle those of us who find fulfillment in crossdressing. I DO understand who I am, I am NOT lying to myself, and I am NOT hiding from my truth. I also enjoy being male AND presenting as female. And I agree with your assessment – you need to be up front with any woman you’re persuing a relationship with. Better to tell and drive her away than keep it a secret and drive her away later.
Keep at it, Sweetie! You’re not alone.
Great post! I’m actually much like you in that I would never give up my boy life or identity. Those moments when I’m a girl are mostly done for fun, thrills, and sex. I have never had a desire to be a full-time girl, nor dress full-time. My dressing has a very narrow niche-role in my life.
Like you, dressing at an early age also helped lead me on a path toward gay sex. Unlike you though, I absolutely love it and have zero interest in women. I have fallen in love with men in the past, hope to again in the future. Ideally, this would be with a man who wants me as both a boy and girl.
I loved your thoughts on being hypersexual though — totally relatable.
Hi Dani Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts. I believe your right when you said most here have expressed they would love to express there female side full time all the time. If you read closer it is very much a fantasy. Its one thing to want to live as a woman 24/7 Its another thing to actually do it. I mean to actually try and survive as a woman in every day life. I believe it is very convenient for us to be able to jump back and forth as most of us do. Most here are for the most part are simple cross dressers. We all know what body we were born with and have done what is expected given that body. We are very capable of jumping back and forth. That is what most GGs do not understand about us. We all know we can not present as a female 100% of the time for so many reasons but we also know we do not want to be male 100% of the time . We need our fem side expressed one way or another other wise our mental health has to suffer. Most here did not ask to be this way but have come to realize it just best to accept this special part of us and learn how best to express it. You are right we have to learn how to bring the both together to make one well rounded person. That is our challenge. It would be so helpful to have a partner in life that we could share in that challenge. Most GGs just do not even want to try and deal with it. They are dealing with their own issues just trying survive the expectations that society has put on them. Society has put a tremendous burden on our female population and they keep pounding them about how the are expected to look and act at every point in their lives. It is up to us to try and educate those we love but there also has to be those who want to learn that we can be great partners in life if given a chance. If you really think about it there are not many men out there that have taken the time to learn what is expected of a man but also are trying to learn what is like to be a woman. It is just apart of us we have denied our whole life but defiantly needs to be explored and expressed. Time to go shopping
Luv Stephanie
The number one rule should be, be you! You are living your life, no one else is and you are not living theirs. Don’t think you are a troll because you are not exactly like others here…. they are not like you either. We still share something in common and that is why we are here 🙂 We are fem in whatever way we want.
Hi Dani,
Please note that this site is CDH, not TGH, and you are NOT a troll in any sense, just because you like being a boy. But also please know that there is something mystic about the Pink Fog which leads to an attitude adjustment over time. It could happen rather quickly as you discover yourself, or it may be delayed until age puts the damper on your libdo. It doesn’t matter; you are still “one of the girls” for as long as you wish to be.
Hugs,
BettylouBetty Lou
Lovely post
As the sisters have explained, it’s your life and it’s completely up to you.
I can relate. I like being a man, and I LOVE transforming into a woman! The best of both worlds. Thank you for sharing, and you’re still one of us, sister.
Hugs.
Revel
Hello Dani. I know exactly what you mean. This is such a wonderful community and outlet for me. I also feel like a fish out of water sometimes. Like I don’t quite “fit” exactly because I don’t feel misgendered, etc but am somewhere in between. I’m glad to know that there are others out there like me. ❤️
I do have days where im dressed as a man but since i started on the hrt i dress more femme as my body has subtle little changes and its so much comfier to dress as a female as its what i love doing and its something i just have to do i even started making sure my skin looks perfect before i go out and also make sure my handbag and shoes match, its these little things i love so much and travelling on this journey has gone past any point of return! As my body has changed and ive changed so much. Dont think i could ever go back to being a dude as its something im doing my utmost to forget as im a disaster as a bio man and want to be a beautiful woman one day in the future! Hugs xxx
Krissy
I wish you a happy journey to becoming a woman
I’ll also comment that I agree with marcellette comments. My hope is that my wife understands that after I tell her. I planned on doing it within the next two weeks but getting a small case of cold feet, I’m still moving forward but scared.
If I can help her to understand and see this post…that there are so many like us that don’t wan5 to fully transition I think it could help!
Reading your story I can relate on so many levels… when I first started crossdressing I wasn’t sure what I wanted and at 1 point even considered the possibility of hormones to enhance feminine features. And then my sexuality started to evolve; I have never been attracted to men but when I’m dressed up it seems like I’m open to that world. My first encounter with a man was.. less than fulfilling to say the least, although there were some aspects of it that I still enjoyed. I still have trouble wrapping my head around not being attracted to men but still wanting sexual relations with them. I’ve never been out in public dressed up (except for a Halloween costume 1 year if that counts) but I dream of doing it all the time. Like you, I wish it was just easy to jump back and forth between bodies.. I enjoy both worlds!
Hi Dani
No need to feel like a “Troll”. I too am happy in my male body, as long it includes dressing up a couple times a week, LOL. Like you, much of my younger fascination with dressing was all about the clothes. The silky smooth and shiny pantyhose, the sexy high heels. Then the skirts and dresses came later. After I met my SO 10yrs ago, things began to change. She was supportive and encouraging. I gained more feminine feelings with this, a large wardrobe, wig, and make up collection that allowed for full transformation, but still had no desire for it to be permanent. My Feminine side has gotten a boost over the past year as my SO actually invites Chelly to hang out and we just sit, talk, watch TV, cook, eat all while I’m dressed up. Often times those dates last all day and all night. While those days/night are so amazing and so satisfying, I still would never entertain the idea of giving my make persona up full time.Chelly
Hola Dani, como estas? te escribo en español porque espero que lo hables por tu apellido, bienvenida a este sitio tan maravilloso para conocer personas como nosotros, con estas dualidades en nuestras personalidades, espero que conozcas muchas amigas aquí y leas los comentarios pues son muy entretenidos e informativos sobre nuestras realidades personales e intimas como seres humanos, cualquier cosa que necesites, aquí estamos para apoyarte, besos y abrazos Felicity
Hi Dani how are you? I am writing to you in Spanish because I hope you speak it by your surname, welcome to this wonderful site to meet people like us, with these dualities in our personalities, I hope you meet many friends here and read the comments as they are very entertaining and informative about our personal and intimate realities as human beings, whatever you need, we are here to support you, kisses and hugs Felicity
I’m new here and this is one of the very first posts I stumbled across and I can’t tell you how similar I feel.
I don’t get to dress nearly as often as I would like and spend 99% off my life in male mode. And I enjoy it .
But…i love getting then opportunity to dress. My wife has no idea I do this, my coworkers would be horrified if they knew and I don’t know any other crossdressers in real life. So my dressing is a private thing I do only when time allows. But the mere thought of having even a few hours to dress is exhilarating.
I also have experimented with gay sex when I was much younger and enjoyed it. I think some of those experiences cemented some of my desires to feel feminine and submissive. But I’ve never thought of myself as gay and could never see myself falling in love with a man.
It’s a really weird life to be a “masculine” guy but always trying to find some time to slip into a pair of stockings and heels.
Great post, it was certainly thought provoking for me.
-Jen
There are quite a few of us here like yourself. I am gender fluid. Most of the time, I look manly at first glance. But I have fabulous nails all the time. I sculpt my eyebrows pencil thin. I wear feminine earrings. And I always wear skinny jeans (and when my new work shirts arrive they will be in women’s cut). But it’s perfectly obvious what my genetics are. I have a very manly job and I am usually dirtier and sweatier at the end of the day that most of my coworkers. But on the weekend I can be all woman! I do the makeup, skirt/dress, wig, everything! I’m lucky enough to not struggle with gender dysphoria which enables me to get through the weekdays without stress. I like adding the femme touches to my everyday look because it not only is a means to express the woman within, but it also helps open a dialogue with others that haven’t had a lot of exposure to a transgender person. I’m like a training trans for them, lol. Sure, I would love living femme 100% all day every day but that wouldn’t work for me given the nature of my job and the more than generous limitations from my wife. I have no complaints. Life is fabulous!
Hugs!
A little update. I have worn mini skirts to work every day for the past month. I did wear four inch heels to work until the boot started separating from the heel. But I don’t shave, wear makeup, or wear a wig during the week. I literally put myself out there as a guy in a skirt. I just don’t care what anyone thinks! If someone has a problem with it, that’s their problem!
Well said, Dani. You’re far from alone.
There are those of us who are so demanding neither gender can hold their full attention (speaking as one of the guilty parties here). I’m in the interesting position of pursuing my options anyway as having a strong desire to present as feminine despite crippling fear of doing so, but not at the expense of losing my masculine side (of course, I’m rather intentionally unattached so the decision is mine alone to make). The gender-binary system is a gross oversimplification; a simple look at genetics and intersex conditions, for instance, is an eye-opener. It’s perfectly okay to belong to both genders, or neither, just be your best self and know that your brothers/sisters/others here will support you 100%!
If you ever need advice or just an ear to bend, look no further!
You have many peers here. Yes, there are a lucky few who are certain they want to live 100% as women and substantial number who dress as women for enjoyment, but don’t feel they are women in any respect. Really, cross dressing encompasses an broad range of motivations and expressions…and yet we all fit together with our shared interest in feminine things.
I live both lives. Professionally and with most family members I present and hope to be perceived as male. Privately, I prefer living as a woman. I haven’t been able to entirely reconcile my two lives with myself, let alone with a partner. I’m sure my inner conflicts contributed to the end of two long and in many ways good marriages. At this late stage in life, I doubt I ever will attempt another relationship, and I may not even reconcile with myself!
Dani
First of all you are not a fraud or a troll all of us are here because we all share a interest that’s not supported in the world
Your story is very incredible and sincere
I especially like you sharing your part about having sexual relationships with men I believe I suffer from autogynephelia
That means while dressed as women I fantize being in a woman body and being sexual pleasured by another man
By sharing your story it gives me some really good insight
I can’t speak for others on CDH but CDH has been a wonderful experience for me
Each and every individual on this site shares a different insight
For me while crossdressing it’s stress reliever and it’s euphoria
Yet the thing you share in your story I have been very curious about and have been awaiting the right time to experiment with
By you sharing your thoughts and experience it gives me something to think about
So thank you for sharing your story
I would like to hear more about you and your experiences
I have been a Long time closet crossdresser and my wife found out about it and couldn’t believe her eyes
Yet I share your frustrations about toxic masculinity
Yet if we are too feminine we’re pussies
So thanks again for sharing your story
It has given me inspiration and insight
I hope to speak with you and learn more about your experiences
Jennifer sexyHey Dani,
You’re not alone in the way you approach dressing up. I think some of those who would like to be a woman all of the time are more vocal on this website (and that’s fine), but there are plenty of us who like being both. For me, switching back and forth is part of the fun. I also don’t pass super well, so I have to be content being the guy in the dress, which is fun too. I sometimes feel the way you do, that I don’t quite fit in with many here, but even if my views of dressing up are different, I’ve never experienced anything but acceptance here. To me, the whole point of dressing up is being able to wear what you want, the way you want. Whatever dressing means for you, you won’t be attacked or criticized for it here. Everyone here respects everyone’s different approach to this, that’s why this space is so safe. Give it time, I’m sure you’ll find people you connect with.Hi Dani,
If we are here in CDH it is because too often the world outside our own skin does not understand us.
Each of us needs to find that kind of balance you speak of, each of us with totally different percentages between femininity Vs masculinity.
It is you who must feel good in the time you are “boy” and / or in the time you are “girl” ….. it is your balance.XOXOX from Italy🇮🇹
Greta ❤️That doesn’t make you a fraud. It makes you you. The fraud is someone who denies who and what they truly are. You embrace both your masculine and feminine sides.
Over the years since retirement I have slowly letting go of being a man. I traded my pickup truck for a little SUV with a pink crystal hanging from the rearview mirror and a sticker on the rear window “Be Happy”. It makes me happy to embrace the woman inside and turn my back on anything manly. I do not enjoy repairing things around the house I hire them done. The older I get the more I realize life is much too short and I should enjoy being a feminine.
I have seen many therapists over the years for the trauma that was inflicted upon me as a child, with varying degrees of result. I no longer put much stock in psychotherapy in general, but am fortunate that my first love (Nancy, in the story above) is still a very good friend AND just happens to be a PhD psychiatrist and educator and had been my “emotional consigliere” for many many years… LOL
And, as far as labels go, we ALL label… whether we think we do or not. It’s just what humans do: the human brain categorizes and labels… we can’t help it. If you read what I wrote more closely you’ll find I DON’T feel I have a need to be 100% male or 100% female: it’s the whole point I’m trying to make here.
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