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Hello beautiful ladies,
I can’t say I totally know how to begin… But I guess we’ll keep it simple:
Up until a couple months ago I considered myself a cisgendered, 95% hetereo male. Then around my 37th birthday, while celebrating with my wife, (drugs and alcohol were involved) I decided to try on a dress. Now this was not the first time in my life I had done this, exactly, but it was the first time I felt like a new person when I did it. I felt attractive. I felt powerful. I felt seductive.
I quickly latched on to being a cross-dressing. That transition was easy. But slowly and more and more I’ve wanted to present female. I’ve only come out to my wife and transgendered son (and one gender fluid friend).
For now I wear panties when I can while presenting male. But I crave being able to go outside in full makeup and dress without shame.
And only during the occasional partying, I’d do find myself craving male sexual attention. And I’m not sure if I am bi or transgendered-straight.. I love my wife and also love pleasing her sexually but I severely worry that when I am high it’s bringing out my true self….
I’m hoping that some of you ladies have stories like mine and can either help me find perspective or maybe if I’m really lucky, guide me to my inner truth.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Lilly,
I’m only a cross dresser, so weigh my response accordingly.
First I would suggest you read some of the other forum groups. One of them is for transitioning women, and they have some very honest dialogue about their fears. While I have no plans to transition myself, I do wonder what it would be like. Reading the forum really got to me.
Second thing I would say is to go find a good psychologist. Ideally one that deals with gender identity/dysphoria. Hopefully you’re near enough to a city to have this option.
I would ask if you’ve ever contemplated going out of town for a weekend to a city with gay bars that wouldn’t care what you’re doing? Take your wife with you, and make an unforgettable weekend/vacation out of it.
And finally, google cross dresser service. There are places where professional makeup artists specialize in mtf transformations. They would doll you up, and provide a bunch of helpful information on makeup, clothes, lifestyle, etc. I’m in the process of scheduling one atm.
Chase happiness. It’s incredible when you find it
Victoria
Hi Lilly,
I read your letter.
My name is Daisy and I too love to dress up like a girl, and I fully understand your desire to be with a man and believe me when I say that it is the best “fun” you can have.
My advice is be honest with your wife, if she loves you she’ll understand.
I’m in a gay marriage and I was scared to tell my husband that I love to dress up as a girl and I’m so glad that I did because now he does my make-up and buys me gorgeous dresses.
Now when he goes out I can dress up and I don’t need to be a “man” when he returns I can just walk out in my high heels.
Daisy
x x x
Hi Lily and welcome to CDH. I recommend that your visit our new sister site transgenderheaven. There you will find more pertinent info. A lot of CD girls go on to complete feminization so I am sure you will receive loads of info. I am quite up on this phenominen as well and would be pleased to chat with you. Do contact me and let me know.
Don’t be scared…..fear is mearly a lack of info about what is going on around you.
Dame Veronica
Lilly welcome , many have stories to share of experiences in this fascinating world . From the newest to the more experienced we all get so much from the lives of others. And at times we can relate to a point and again learn from someone else . Always discoving and improving our looks, our mannerisms and feelings of femininity. Who we are is always changing and one never knows where our paths may be. Here some of these questions can be found and hopes that a peaceful journey moves to better ways. Very happy meeting you and hope to see you here soon.
Stephanie 🌹
Hi Lilly.
For me the most pertinent part of what you said was about the using. I deal a lot with addicts, and one thing I know is that a true addict will subconsciously construct a rationale for using, then justify the use. I would consider the possibility that maybe the idea of “I need to use to bring out my true self” is really just “I need to use.”
Try living clean for six months to a year, and see where your head is at. If you can’t imagine living clean for that long, then I would say you’ve identified the real problem, sweetie.
Hello Lilly. I’ll echo Dee Writer’s words: There seems to be a drug issue here and I’d address that first. For years I was a heavy drug user and I only dressed up when I was loaded. The drug environment today is flat out dangerous, but even if you don’t get an accidental overdose, drug use will keep you from knowing who you really are. After I got straight, I discovered that I still love to wear girly clothes, and have girly fantasies. 🙂 I suspect you, too, will have a revelation.
[quote quote=115613]Who we are is always changing and one never knows where our paths may be.[/quote]
Stephanie, This one sentence has been rattling around in my head all morning, and it means so much to me. It helps me to realize how much I want to be able to understand myself, and thereby be able to “know” who I am. But that would be an illusion, to “know” who I am. It can only fit into that box one time, and then I’m shifting again. The shifting and changing is not just the exploration that would stop on the day I got it figured out (not going to happen). It is the way I’m created, a ceaseless, restless, creative force that is finding it’s expression in my experience. And that expression is always changing, even for those who have set their sail permanently in one direction. Whether we’re trans, cis, or other, we are free when we can die to ourselves every day and approach the next day with curiosity and open eyes.This, then, is my journey and mission. To stop trying to “pin” me down, to open to the expression of my feminine or masculine – or both – in the moment of now. Learn to be OK with that fact that “one never knows where our paths may be.”
Thanks for all the fantastic welcoming and support/advice! All of it has been wondrous to hear!
After reflection, I agree that the drugs are a problem (or at least very potentially one) that needs to be taken out of the equation in order to genuinely soul-search.
Thank you all again. I will try not to be a stranger.
Dear Lilly
i feel you! I live dressing up its fun sexy exciting
doesnt mean you want tobtransition necessarily could just mean dressing excites you
either way keep your wife involved
and i d suggest full transformation with a service and 1-2 x a month and outing to see if the feeling changes any
take it slow
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