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I have been hesitant to share this here on cdh, but it has become a major part of my current journey and very costly part too…today I left Texas for the final time..It wasn’t because I had a desire to, but when you watch a 25 year friend disintegrate right before your eyes, well you don’t have too many options but to go. For me it isn’t easy losing friends, I don’t make them very easily but when I do find one, I will do my best to keep it, even if I have to put my own feelings aside…but lately (since November 2020, I have watched all of my flesh and blood friends depart, as well as family…I have discovered that losing them has been entirely my fault (at least that’s what this last friend told me)…and my granddaughters…and my ex wife…and the Dr friend I once had, and my former pastor, and…the list goes on…while I have always valued honesty and openness…there are certain things I have kept to myself, and one in particular I have concealed successfully for over 4 years…until November…(one never knows when a secret will be discover…I remember the date, I remember the time, I remember the location where it all came out…it was at a dining room table eating lunch with my granddaughters and Dr friend…it was a bite of a sandwich that exposed me…a bite that became lodged in my throat and I could not dislodge it myself…once the obstruction was cleared, my Dr friend launched into telling my granddaughters about the disease I have been battling and the progress and damage it has made to my body during the previous year…but the final blow came when she looked the, in the eyes and told them I MAY have 6 months to live if I’m lucky…I am dying…for the first time in their life, there was nothing I could do or say too them (granddaughters) that would make this any better…seeing the pain in their eyes was more than I could take, but I sat there…helpless…but that wasn’t the only relationship to explode, so did my best friend Foxx, co worker, ex wife and now Peyton…but the hardest 2 to lose was the dr…we had become close friends (not lovers), we were so close that the dr told my granddaughters that I would always have a safe place to live out the remainder of my days with her…but that was a short lived promise because it was the day after my birthday that she kicked me out into the cold and called me a blight on society…the exact same words my mother used when she threw me out at the age of 15…then the dr proceeded to throw away what I could not carry or give away…since that day in November my life has been one constant challenge after another…and I don’t know how to keep going or you what to keep going for…(no I am not suicidal)…but I am getting tired…yet I keep moving forward…I have put one foot in front of the other…I tell myself, this will change…you can do this…you are stronger than you think…there is always tomorrow…hold on to hope…but I am quickly realizing that hoping for anything in this world is futile as I am not taking it with me when I leave this world…
I am not sharing this because I expect anyone here to be able tochange things for me (there is no known treatment for what I have) and I am not sure if anyone will understand my conflict inside of my heart … I have been prepared to leave this world along time ago…and even tried it a few times..and I also know it is getting harder to conceal it here on cdh so rather than let it affect the site or what few friends (online) , I feel with reluctance, it is time for me to move on…you have all been an inspiration to me, I have learned so much from you all and have come to really love coming here and seeing the discussion…they have helped me in the silence of this struggle with seeing my self differently… but like I said, it is getting harder to hide and the date time stamped in my medical chart is only a few weeks away…and frankly I am not sure which direction to go with this…but I am pretty sure I won’t be back to CDH anymore…I don’t want to hear sorrys, it has been through the this disease and cross Dressing that has allowed me to know myself more…
stay beautiful, be wonderful, love others as much as you love yourself and always hold your head high…love you all and thanks for sharing your life and experiences with me and allowing me to be a part of the community here for a short while 💕💋🌹
Stephanie
You are amazing and loved.
We are all here for you so know you are never alone and you can share the things that are troubling you.
We may not be there in person but we are aways here to listen and give you some smiles when you need them most.
Ageing is awful as you see friends you have know for many years slip away and leave you with a large gap in your life and having to tell loved ones to prepare for that is never going to be easy.
I know you cant stop the progression of the illness, but make your time as happy and enjoyable as you can by doing as many fun things with your family as possible, living happy memories and filling the time you have to the full as much as possible
tender hugs and comfort
Dawn xxx
Stephanie.
How very very sad ..I don’t really have the words….
God bless you.
Grace❤️
Dear Stephanie,
I have enjoyed reading your contributions to CDH. I know you said “no sorrys,” but how about Thank You.
Eva
Dear Stephanie, I admire your dignity and grace, and hope that we girls on here have contributed as much as you have to us, as we hopefully have to you. God bless you sweetie and thank you love Amanda xx
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