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Hello all, my name is Natalie! From the midwest of the United States, I’m in my late 30s, married with children (teens and below). Although I’ve never ‘fully’ dressed, I have experimented with shades in between. See my story below. Apologies on it being long, I tried to be thorough and detailed, hoping that others can relate and that it sparks more conversation…
My journey into crossdressing began like many others. I was 5 or so and I discovered my mom’s nylon panties. Drawn to the feel, it would be something that has had strong effects the rest of my life. As a young skinny boy, I remember being sad that my mothers panties were still too big to wear and would not stay up on my waist. As I got older I moved into feeling and wearing her pantyhose, slips, nightgowns. The closer I got to being a teenager, I was always intrigued by any ‘sexy’ lingerie my mom had. When my parents and sister were away running errands, I took every chance that I could to wear panties, pantyhose, slips and eventually sometimes wearing my mom’s or sister’s dresses. Again, never more than walking around the house to see what it felt like.
I had one girlfriend in High School. We dated for 2-3 years. Towards the middle of the relationship, after being really close (more high school infatuation), I told her that I liked to wear women’s underwear (careful not to use the word panties). She told me that that was ok with her and if we married each other someday that she would be ok with me wearing them. I think that was said more out of not wanting to go through a ‘tramatic’ High School breakup or if she was serious. We eventually would break up when we went away to college.
Fast forward a few years. I am in college and have dorm roommates. I only wear panties sometimes when I am home for holidays. I soon meet my wife. We fall quickly for each other. After 6 months we are engaged. After a few months of being engaged, I realized that I should tell her about my panty fascination and my liking to wear them. I felt guilty about possibly trapping her but also wanted it all out in the open before we married. I didn’t get the response I was hoping for. She was very upset, told her parents and a sister. I eventually told my parents a couple days later who were wondering why they hadn’t seen my fiancee around as much. It was a hard week or so but we still married a few months later having felt that we were now closer and she understood me but did not approve.
She treated it as though it was a panty fetish which is not too far from what I believe even mostly to this day. [Although these days I like feeling feminine to a degree, it seems more for me as a way to experience intimacy almost channeling through my wife. Watching her and pretending to know what it’s like to feel sexy and feminine as someone looks at you with desire. Hope that makes sense.] Through the years til now, with more extended wearing, the initial excitement for wearing panties has turned more into a comfort thing in feeling desirable as well as elation through touching the fabric etc. It’s all kinda connected for me.
Anyways, after a few years of being married and having 2 children already, I was trying to suppress any urges but I lingered back into my old ways. My wife had gotten quite a few nylon & silk panties, thongs, slips, knowing that it was heightened turn-on to both see her and feel her wearing them. I one day put a pair of her panties on and it was total excitement again. Around this time I also was starting to notice that she was talking more about my turn-on, almost in a way that I took it for her finally getting used to or nearly approving.
Ironically within a few weeks I came to bed after she was already asleep and she had a pair of her panties laid out flat on my side of the bed close to my pillow. I wondered, “Could this be it? Could she have left these here for me to sleep in?” I very gingerly slipped them on got in bed and laid next to her. There we both were wearing panties spooning together. I could barely fall asleep that evening (something I am sure many can relate to). After 30 minutes or an hour of laying there being spooned by my wife, I felt her hand slip lower past my stomach to the side of the hip. She rubbed her hand back and forth on the silken fabric. I was in Heaven!
I woke up the next morning, got out of bed with her still asleep. I slipped off the panties, but left them close to my side of the bed on the floor looking like someone had obviously worn them. I went to work thinking about it all day not wanting to ask her but hopefully knowing her thoughts when I got home to see what she’s done if anything to those panties? Well I arrived home that evening and those panties had been picked up and were neatly laid on the bed again but so were a few loads of laundry now on our bed. This was so confusing for me. Did she not mean to lay them there as a sign for me? She had felt them in the night right?
That evening, we did not get around to putting all the laundry away. I would try and help but I didn’t want to move the panties. I wanted to see what she would do with them… Would they go in the dirty hamper or her clean drawer? We got most of the laundry put away except for a few towels. She put the kids to bed that evening, I tried to work on a couple house projects that needed done. She fell asleep putting down our youngest at the time. She woke up an hour later asking if I minded if she got in bed. I told her I would be in soon.
I came to bed an hour later wondering what she would do with the last few ‘items’ of laundry on the bed. She turned down the bed kicking off most of the remaining towels and whatnots onto the floor. The panties remained laid out on the bed. Again I slipped them on and got in bed. Right as I got in bed she kind of stirred, looked over at me put her arm around me as we kissed and she said, “I love you.” Although she didn’t touch my (her) panties that night, I went to sleep much easier than the night before feeling completely joy and love from her.
I woke up a little earlier than normal the next day, not because of an alarm going off but because I started to feel my wife’s hand rubbing the panties I was wearing; not lovingly like the night before but this time as if searching. She finally was like, “Hey are you wearing my underwear?” I shyly replied “Um yeah… Didn’t you know??? I thought you were giving me permission with your signs?” She wanted to know what signs. I explained all that had happened the night or two before and her comments in the last month. She was upset but didn’t want to talk about it. I went to work.
When I got home that evening and wanted to talk, she acted as though nothing was wrong. Although she slightly mentioned about how she could see where I would maybe think that, she still thought I knew her well enough to know that she wouldn’t like that. This experience definitely should have been talked about more but wasn’t used as a way for either of us to really understand each other more. Apart from this suppressed issue both then and now, we really have a good, stable, & loving marriage. We get along and have frequent dates out & couch time dates together.
About 12 years have passed since that time. Although it waned a bit after the first incident, she continued to use panties (always on her) and other lingerie for arousal even to this day. Most of our arguments tend to be about our different levels of sex drives. Mine being high and hers fluctuating between high (when we were trying to conceive our last 2 kids) and low (either due to hormonal issues, cysts, or other body aches.) In the past 10 years I have continued to in private wear her panties or even buying my own to underdress with some days; quickly purging anything I bought afterwards.
I would like to say that the panties were the only hints of femininity that my wife noticed but there are others, most of which are things that only slightly make her uncomfortable or even laugh off. Throughout our 17 year marriage, there have been 10-15 occasions shaving back hair or manscaping that I have taken it further and further. Clean shaving my hips, or thighs, thinning out my armpit hair almost entirely, and even thinning out my leg hair. I’ve bought Nair and even had my wife buy some for me. Most of that never seems to bother her although there are times when she’s said “Oh you shaved your thigh” and make comments about liking my manly hair. I’ve made comments to her like “Wouldn’t you like to both have us under the covers and have shaved legs to see what it’s like. I think that could be fun.” She took that comment pretty easily and just smiled and would say, “I know you would like that” but never gave me the greenlight. Something I felt I should really get before springing anything on her again.
Other issues that she only slightly jokes with me about, even with friends and never with any malice, is our differences in affection and other seemingly feminine qualities. I love being affectionate. I love cuddling, hugging, kissing, slow sensual intimacy, and talking and opening up after said intimacy. She likes those things to a degree but they just don’t come naturally to her. She will say privately to me and with close friends, “He’s more of the girl in the relationship… He really loves affection.” Also, I like to dote on her and tell her how beautiful she is but she doesn’t appreciate the compliments. She smiles and accepts them but almost acts annoyed by them. She complements me some but I definitely struggle with feeling confident around her sometimes. I definitely have a lot of embarrassment around her and she doesn’t seem to notice, not because she is trying to be mean but just because she doesn’t think about.
Besides the issue of her not understanding my wanting to shave my legs, another issue of embarrassment was about 5 years into our marriage I switched from wearing boxer briefs to briefs, then a few years later I found some CK microfiber briefs and Michael Kors nylon briefs for men. She was fine with me getting them because they were made for men but would make things about them being expensive or fancy (she didn’t like that some were purplish with patterns). I told her that I didn’t care for what color they were but I liked the way they felt (duh something she already knew).
Most recently in the last year or so I found Jockey’s Elance Microfiber briefs, definitely the softest, thinnest, silkiest of the mens briefs I have found but they still have that damn double layer thick front, or a seam down the middle, not the thin silky feel of panties. Although every time I buy new pairs of men’s briefs she makes subtle comments like, “Oh you bought more underwear…” or “Oh these feel even more like mine”, she also tries to be understanding. She will rub me while wearing them trying to turn me on and letting me wear them pulled to the side while we are intimate, also with her panties pulled to the side because she knows how sexy that feels for me, even tugging and pulling on my underwear, almost helps me feel feminine and desired when she does that.
One last issue is that my wife takes to wearing my clothes; old t-shirts, sweatpants, hoodies, tennis shoes to run in. I’ll say things like “Oh is that my shirt?” and she’ll say “You make me feel so guilty about wearing your stuff, most guys like it when their wives wear their things.” I really don’t mind her wearing my things but I think she deep down knows the double standard that I am trying to convey. She will say “It’s just my underwear. I don’t want you to wear my underwear.” Keep in mind that now that our daughters are teens they sometime wear my wife’s underwear from her drawer which doesn’t seem to bother her, even saying, “Yeah i think [daughter’s name] wants to wear mine because they are silky.” So that was a little depressing that she could understand it for my daughter but not me.
One time last year I went out to shovel snow in zero degree weather. I couldn’t find my nike base layer leggings (she had been wearing them on a run recently) so I took a pair of her leggings to wear under my jeans. I came inside afterwards to change. She was in our room and noticed me wearing them. I told her why and she just kind of rolled her eyes. A little playful but also made me feel embarrassed. At that time, I had to remind myself that there was a time only a few years before when our family was living in an old cold farm house that she gave me a pair of her leggings to sleep in to keep warm. Although I think she sees the double standard, she sees her acceptable scenarios as the ‘Normal’ and mine as weird or ‘unmanly’ and can’t see much beyond that.
We’ve talked about these issues in the past and she completely acknowledges that she could be better. She wants to be more affectionate and really tries to make an effort, she does go out of her way to fulfill my sex drive when she doesn’t desire it, even getting on silky feminine items for me to look at and see. I do feel grateful for that, even since throughout the last 10 years she has caught me a few more times sleeping in her panties. Each time I feel like she gets less and less surprised but I also feel guilty like I am wearing her down. Also each time I feel more embarrassed, distant, and unable to talk to her about these issues I move more adventurous into dressing more (not super consistently maybe once or twice a year) I’ve never worn makeup but when I’ve had the house to myself, I will wear panties, pantyhose, slip, skirt, bra stuffed with socks, blouse, high heels and go either drive to a local park at midnight or even one time walking around the block. I just wanted to feel what it felt like to be feminine.
Because my wife doesn’t desire to be complimented for her femininity and I don’t feel very confident or complimented by her, I think these opportunities help me feel that craving of desire that I so desperately want to feel in that way.
The last time my wife caught me sleeping in her panties had been around a particularly emotionally & affectionately distant time brought on by stress at work for me and her lack of desire. She would admit to me that she just had no desire to be affectionate and almost detested thinking about it. She understood how bad that sounded and really did feel bad. She didn’t ‘catch’ me wearing them but found them on the floor on my bedside. I purposely did leave them there thinking that maybe if she knew that the panties were a release for me and even a signal of affection from her, that that would satisfy my needs through times of distance from each other…
She found them and questioned me. I explained that I felt distant and drained and that it helped me feel close to her. Although she didn’t completely understand she did try to. Much like her lack of desire she couldn’t explain to me, I couldn’t explain to her how panties made me feel. We are very cuddly and touchy in bed even on nights where we go to bed on opposite sides. We somehow make our way to the center with some body part touching. I explained that the feeling of spooning while both of us wearing silky panties was such a close and loving experience for me and to some degree to help to satisfy needs and that her acceptance was something I really desired. She was still upset but also upset at herself. She then said even if a bit angrily “You can wear my underwear but I just don’t want to know about it…”
I felt guilty but also happy. Then that night, after things had calmed down more, we talked about it again and she sadly and quietly said “Hey, I know I told you that you can wear my underwear but I really didn’t mean that. I just really don’t like the idea of you wearing MY underwear. I know I wear your stuff and that is a double standard but it’s just something about us sharing underwear…” We did have a good talk that night but I told her I wouldn’t wear HERS anymore.
I don’t think I read into that comment any more than was meant because she seemed to stressed it. When we were first engaged, I mentioned that I had bought panties at the store and she said then that she thought it was weird thinking what it looks like for a single man to buy panties and have to approach a cashier. But plenty of times in our marriage I bought panties, lingerie, and she never thought anything weird of it. She even expressed her gratitude that I would buy her feminine products and even knew what kind of pads she preferred. I guess she had friends husbands that refused to buy them while out alone. All this to say, I think she knew that if given opportunity to wear panties without wearing hers, I would buy my own.
And that’s where my next adventure of the last 7 months begins. I will write more in some other posts.
Just as a hint, I think I am in a DADT relationship right now although I can’t be sure. I have been wearing panties all the time for 7 months. They are unsuspecting plain black nylon hi-cuts of different brands and varieties (mainly Vanity Fair, Warners, Jockey). Haven’t put on my men’s briefs at all since July 1st, 2022. I have been washing my panties myself when I am home alone. I also for the first time in my life have shaved my entire legs! I’ve laid next to my wife the last few nights with our silky smooth legs entwined her using her feet to rub up and down my legs as we went to sleep and as we wake up. I am sure she knows but hasn’t said anything but I’d say with the amount of rubbing me with her feet that she enjoys it. Or at least I’m hoping that’s what it means!!!
If you made it to the end, thank you for letting me vent. Please let me know if any of this resonated with you ladies.
-Natalie
Thank You Alice! Cute last name!
Hi Natalie nice to meet you and so happy you found and joined us girls here so get settled in relax and enjoy yourself here.. As a new sister and family member you are welcomed with open arms into our home as well as yours now also.. Wow girl what an intro and never worry about being long winded we love to read about your life and how you are doing .. With so much to see and do here from reading the forums and posts from so many wonderful ladies here telling about there journeys down the femme road they are on.. When you get comfortable with us please join in with a story or two about the life and times of Natalie as she travels down her own girly path in life.. Now girlfriend as for making friends here there are so many ladies here from all over the world to build long lasting friendships with and best of all girl we are just a simple click away .. So sorry about your wifes reluctance to enjoy the girlfriend in your heart as we say here baby steps girlfriend just slow and lots of conversations does help .. Like many ladies here myself included we have acceptance and support of our wifes with our girly side of life hope you have some freedoom to be Natalie more often.. Once again girlfriend nice to meet you and hope to see you around for a chat sometime..
Stephanie Bass
Hello Natalie welcome to CDH I am glad you have shared a very detailed yet normal story for many here. You have opened up explaining how you feel and what you want to experience and have acknowledged a big part of who you are that are not going away I would say as time and life has gone on so has your desire which has happened to so many of us here. I am glad and found us and made the step to become part of a family that is welcoming, understanding, compassionate, and supportive. While we are all similar and have many of the same desires we all differ on our goals or public expression and or level of personal experiences. I encourage you to explore the many forums, topics, polls and member biographies found here as there are a wide range of members all over the spectrum of feminine expression or those on the path to transition and those that have. There are also links to websites that have products and services that may help you on your own personal path of acceptance and self expression. Ultimately it is a place, home, or world were you can feel feel comfortable and confident in who you are; as being who you truly are as your authentic self of you being a man, a woman, or expressing your feminine desires feelings and or qualities. I am happy you are here and have made a choice to accept this part of yourself as self acceptance is the most important thing you can do for yourself and others. You can’t expect others to accept you if you don’t accept yourself all of you. As you are sharing a part of your authentic self here on CDH it ultimately lifts some of the burden that you may be feeling which many of us have carried for what seems like a lifetime you are not alone you are unique like the rest of us here and you have a whole family of friends here to talk with and support you as we understand what you are feeling and going through what you are experiencing love your wife and family.I am happy you have made the step to be here. Welcome!
Hugs April
Oh Natalie, your story is true for many of us here, so you’re not alone, that’s for sure. It’s been more than 35 years since I shared Sherri with my wife and although she accepts me more now, it’s still not a favorite with her but she is far more accepting now than she was all those years ago. As you read more stories here from fellow members you’ll realize DADT is far better than hiding in the closet. Welcome and enjoy your time here.
Sherri
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Thanks Natalie for such a detailed story. Its a story most of us can relate to in one way or another. She seems to have typical responses and I can understand her not wanting you to wear her panties and its good you have your own. I think you’re in a DADT relationship because she obviously knows you wear panties but she doesn’t want to talk about it. Enjoy what you can do. With your leg shaving you’re only doing what most of us have done pushing the envelop slowly bit by bit. Over time she and you will find a point both can be comfortable with and if she is uncomfortable with things as you progress I’m sure she will let you know.
Hi Natalie,
As others have said, welcome to CDH. You will find everyone here very friendly and helpful for any questions you might gave.
Like you, my wife and I are in a DADT situation. I have worn women’s panties exclusively for the last three or so years and don’t even own any male underwear anymore.
My wife has set her boundaries on what she can and cannot accept right now. She knows I dress when she is not in the house but prefers not to see me. She does the laundry and does not comment when she sees something of mine in the hamper. When we are intimate, she is OK with me wearing my panties, thigh highs, and a cami but draws the line with me wearing one of my garter belts.
I OK with her boundaries as it is much better than hiding everything from her. I am hopeful that she will become more accepting moving forward, but I will accept her limitations as I know it is hard for her to accept the man she married in women’s clothing.
If you ever have any questions or need to unload something, don’t hesitate to message me.
Hugs,
Emily
Thank you so much Emily!
Hello Natalie,
Welcome to our CrossDresser Heaven (CDH) site. So glad you have joined us here. Feel free to explore all that our site has to offer.
The Warmth, Compaasion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.
Please do make use of the forums and articles or public chat room and friendships offered here on CrossDresser Heaven.
At any Membership level, You can contact any of us via Private Message (PM). You can find that link on each member’s Wall under their Profile picture.
Also, you may find what you need from: The Help Center or our Ambassadors by using the links in the Top R/H Drop Down 3 bar Menu.
Here is a good link to review the membership levels and the privledges for each. Such as Private Chat (PC), Groups,Additional Photo Allowance, etc.
****** https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/membership-account/membership-levels/
Regards,
Terri Anne, Ambassador
======= Link to our Public Chat Room =========
Natalie thankyou for your intro I enjoyed reading it. Many will relate to parts in their journeys through their experiences in this wonderful world.
Welcome to Cdh. Here you can enjoy the company of many like yourself expressing their femininity for all to see. Meet with, talk with and with some devolope wonderful friendships. A place of support and understanding for all that passes. Nice meeting you and looking forward to seeing you here soon..
Stephanie🌹
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